Monday, June 16, 2014

‘Dear Peter Pan’

Dear Peter Pan Peanut Butter Manufactures…

I am currently out to sea floating around in circles defending the American Way of Life. I am serving in the United States Navy upon an Oiler home ported out of Norfolk, VA.  The reason I am writing you this letter is three fold…

1.  I am bored…

2.  I’m hoping you’ll send me lots of free stuff…

3.  To let you know how your peanut butter is responsible for saving the lives of many, including me!!!

We are usually out to sea Monday thru Friday! We try to get home one or two weekends a month!! All those stories you hear about how good Navy Chow is are a pack of lies!!!

I have been on active duty for 17 years and the motto has always been ‘the Navy’s Cooks are Death from Within’…

They do their damnedest to try and live up to that motto! I’m telling you, if this were prison instead of a mighty warship… I would start begging for the lethal injection!!!

All the jobs in the Navy are passed out by aptitude tests! If you are too stupid to chip paint, you get to be a Navy Cook!! An example of our menu items…

·         Hamburgers… Hard as Fuck and commonly used as a hockey puck… generally known as sliders…
·         French Fries… still frozen in the middle and often referred to as lady fingers…
·         Fish Heads in Orange Hollandaise Sauce… at least I think it’s Hollandaise Sauce… who the fuck knows…
·         Pancakes that double as tire repair kits…
·         Chili with no chili powder in it… but loaded with Pete’s Hot Sauce… Guaranteed to give you an ulcer…
·         AND Kool-Aid or as they call it Bug Juice… What the fuck… What kind of idiot fucks up Kool-Aid?!? There is usually not enough water or sugar mixed in and it usually takes a gauddamned day or two for your mouth to unpucker enough to fit a cigarette between your lips…
·         But if we’re lucky… we might have a jar of Peter Pan Peanut Butter – Extra Crunchy! Put some of this on a World War II era chewy stale saltine cracker and you would swear that you just sat down for dinner at a five star restaurant!!!

It’s been said numerous times upon my mighty Warship that Peter Pan deserves some kind of medal! I agree!! He is the best cook we have on board!! As long as we have Peter Pan Peanut Butter available… that means I don’t have to catch me a seagull and bite it’s head off to maintain the strength necessary to defend the free world!!!

Your Hunts Ketchup helps as well… as everything we eat gets covered in ketchup! Hell, some of us even eat ketchup sandwiches!! Dog Turds are even palatable when covered by enough ketchup!! Dog Turds would be a welcome break from what they are trying to feed us for lunch!!!

So keep making that Peanut Butter! Keep selling it to the Navy… and be proud of the patriotic duty that you are doing for your country!! Keeping the Men and Women of the World’s Greatest Navy from starving to death!!!

God Bless Peter Pan
Seaman First Class Joe…


  1. I don't care who you are.. that's funny right there, I'm tellin you..

  2. In reality I never had any bad chow in twenty years...

  3. Thanksgiving 1971 in Cahm Rahn Bay Vietnam all the turkeys wound up here, No sides no dressing just the turkeys.

  4. I remember they could burn water

  5. STG1 Sean Joyce used to eat his peanut butter off the pussy of CTT2 Jennifer Blickenstaff while he was married AND we weren't even out of crackers. Someone tell his wife, Jennifer says he has a small penis as well.

    1. Well... If you're gonna call out a shipmate at least have the courage to put your name to it...

    2. Agreed.. what a coward.

    3. So? Are you twelve?

    4. More credit to STG1 Sean. and his friend! Good luck to them both.

  6. Man I am Glad I don't cook for you guys, Don't know what kind of bucket you have been serving on but in the 60's when I was a cook we took pride in our daily offerings to our crew, even cooking hamburgers and steaks to order , and yes we did have Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

  7. When I was in Great Lakes, there was a news article on a near by Army Base. As an experiment, they hired a number of renowned regional chefs to run their mess hall for a week. The results? Same complaints about the food.

  8. Art Eadie DT1 (Ret)November 10, 2017 at 1:20 PM

    seaman first with 17 years....damn.