Saturday, July 19, 2014

'Flapper King'

I got this story from a bubblehead who sent it to me… knowing how shitters work and the vivid imagination I got going on inside my head, I hope you can fulfill your funny bone as well as I did reading this bit of anecdotal humor…

A submarine shitter ain’t much more than a metal seat colder than a witch’s titty over a ball valve. Flushing is a two-handed process. One does the business, then using the right hand, pulls open the ball valve while opening the sea water valve with the left hand. Then once everything has gone, turns the valve shut and pushes the ball valve back. So where does it all go you ask?!?

The ‘CHT’ tanks eventually get full and the contents have to be blown out to sea, which is the equivalent of a mega flush. Because this makes bubbles, which in turn, make noise that give away the submarine’s position, the process is done slowly. While the tanks are being ‘blown’ you cannot use the ‘shitters!!!’

Well, you can, but just remember not to flush!!!

In case you were really in the dark as to what’s going on, there is a massive ‘fart’ smell that permeates throughout the boat! So when you really gotta go and you can’t hold your horses… No Problem!! Again, just don’t ‘flush!!!’

Because if you do… All that shit in that there CHT tank is taking the path of least resistance… that would be head’n right into your direction!!!

They say there is always one… One on every patrol who forgets about the tanks being blown… used the toilet… and had to ‘flush!!!’

You’d be minding your own damned business when all of the sudden you’d hear a deafening roar like the Hoover Dam just broke open with a resounding scream’n seaman… followed by the smell of a thousand ‘farts!!!’

There, plastered against the bulkhead, is the poor ass victim… hair slicked back in shit with bits & pieces of corn and toilet paper covered everywhere including his whole gauddamned body!!!

After a good clean-up of the head by the poor swabby who didn’t do his diligence as well as a set of shots from the onboard ‘Doc’… the Skipper presents the poor bastard with a ‘Golden Flapper’ Certificate!!!

Every now and again you have a shippy who goes above and beyond to earn ‘TWO’ Certificates during on patrol! This person is given a Burger King Crown making him the ‘Flapper King!!!”

Talk about shitt’n in your own nest! You ever see a Navy Recruiting Poster with a ‘Crackerjack’ covered in Shit?!? Imagine the medley of animated facial expressions from your shipmates!! I guess there’s a reason they call it ‘Sailor Proofing’…

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