Friday, April 17, 2015

‘Not Quite Navy Pin-Up Material’

I could get browbeaten for writing… hell even think’n about this one! I suppose maybe I need my consciousness raised!!  I’d expect after twenty three years maybe I suffer from some kinda major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, obsessive compulsive disorder… hell who knows!?! 

One thing is for damn sure… things were much more amusing when the rooms weren’t so stuffy with the Holier than Though ‘PC’ Police at every corner! Political Correctness in the new Canoe Club ferments like a jar of mayonnaise in the heat of summer, bubble, bubble… toil & trouble!!  Sometimes it seems today’s Crackerjack Canoe Club has become nothing more than a castrated religious order!!!

Life could get a little boring on board at times! If you could piss somebody off, it was entertaining!! It might sound peculiar, but that was the Navy way… when Crackerjacks were pretty gauddamned simple… they lacked sophistication and didn’t always understand the world the way they ought to and simply put, some were just dumber than retarded possums!! But that’s how we liked it… and how we built comradery!!!

There was no subject out of bounds when we played our practical jokes! Nothing was sacred underway … not until we became neutered, made carefully inoffensive, and in general browbeaten by the ‘PC’ Police! Men swore like sailors… like standing in line at a two-dollar whorehouse!!  Men acted like sailors… making Attila the Hun look like a milk-fed pansy in lacey shorts!!!

Let’s just say Alice in Wonderland is more plausible than some of the crazy shit that went on underway…!!!

 Something had to be done to fertilize the minds of the borderline retarded!  I say that with the full brotherly affection of one Crackerjack to another!! When the hours crawled like picnic ants and you just got off the messenger watch or standing in foul weather aft lookout… hiking your way down to berthing needing massive amounts of Xanax to quell the anxiety… what better than a little bit of Rochambeau or Towel Snapp’n Sport to blow a little steam?!?

The place smelled like whales went there to die… walking past all the dipshits and dirtballs scrutinizing the same movie played on the lobotomy box night after night! Some poor unlucky soul falls asleep in the berthing lounge and with all the grab ass & horseplay you could muster in a deck division berthing… Let’s just say a fella named Maxwell could resist anything but temptation!!!

Another Deck Seaman we’ll refer to as Junior fell asleep at one of the crew’s lounge tables with his head cocked back and his mouth wide open! Yes… you can probably imagine what happened next!!  Max walked by as several shipmates stood about coaxing each other to stick the snotty end of a fuck stick next to Junior’s mouth!!!

Max must’ve figured… "what the hell"… and escorted the one eyed wanker out of his dungaree cell and cuddled it up to Junior’s Gobbler for one of them fabulous Unauthorized Naval Photo Ops!!  Junior apparently woke up as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market and Max’s ‘Bone-a-Phone’ was as welcomed as a turd in a swimming pool!!

Unfortunately for Max he wasn’t photogenic enough for Navy Pin-Up material so therefore hadn’t the authorization to take such classified photos!! It did teach junior to never sleep with your mouth open so others could triumphantly exhibit their skin flutes!!!

Nevertheless, Junior decided to write a publicized tell-all to his Chain-of-Command! When the report chit was ran and got to the Skipper… he was lit up like a Roman Candle!! His temper shrieked like fingernails down a chalkboard!! All I remember was... It was funny as hell!!!

A few days later a young Seaman Maxwell was standing tall at the bridge-wing in immaculate summer whites ready for the Skipper, all silent and erect! I was one of the Master-At-Arms preparing for the official ceremonies at large!! Once inside and introductions & atrocities were made known…

“Jeezus H. Christ… Son! What the hell got into you?  Where is your gauddamned self-control and consideration for others? There are a million diversions to keep you from doing stupid shit onboard!  Why would you whip out your willy in someone’s face?”

“I guess out of boredom Sir!”

 "Son, I don't give a faint fucking, bleary-eyed damn about your dumb-ass boredom! I've been thirty years in this gauddamned outfit, and nothing has ever struck me quite so uninteresting as your Fucking Boredom. All I care about is ‘Good Order & Discipline!’ No ‘Good Order & Discipline’ equals no Liberty and lots of Extra Duty!"

… I remember standing there at attention imagining Maxwell in a pink tutu and rain boots, with sparkly non-heterosexual Elton John type sun glasses and a purple afro wig dangling his Fleshy Pogey Bait in front of ol’ Junior… nah, just my vivid imagination at work!!!

Maxwell got to spend the next five weeks doing the outright nastiest jobs on the ship for extra duty! I remember as Master-At-Arms assigning him to Engineering underway for bilge cleaning and to Hazmat for cleaning the paint locker which was the size of a semi-trailer laden to the hilt with loaded cans to be removed for plenty of paint scrapping so they could repaint the deck!! Okay… so the fella had a bit of vacancy on the top floor if you know what I mean!!!

It was a long time ago… when we were young and lived like mythical swashbuckl’n pirates in the Ol’ Canoe Club! Now do I think he got what he deserved? Absolutely… but at nineteen years old, young’ns right outta High School do stupid shit… they always have and always will!! In today’s Order of Sea Cadets and Nautical naivety I’d imagine he would get much worse!! Probably somewhere along the lines of Attempted Sodomy and Sexual Assault leading to several years in the Brig!! Makes us old bastards stand around and wonder what the hell’s going on with this new Canoe Cabaret!!!


  1. JUst like the old saying "Oh yeah no balls to put it in my hand" next thing you know you getting a hand guided tour of the ship one CVN65

  2. I once came close to being in the same shoes as young Seaman Junior. It was late. Balls watch I think. I was on sounding & security watch and made my pass through engineering ready to sit down for a bit. So I leaned back in a chair, kicked my feet up on the table, and closed my eyes for minute. After a few minutes something told me that I was about to have a close encounter of the worst kind. I heard the sound of a zipper along with a snicker. It was one of my shipmates trying to make a landing on my shoulder. I had see him do it once before. But I foiled his plans when I said, without even opening my eyes, "If you pull that thing out I will show you the other end of it". Everyone got a laugh out of it. As for me, I made sure to never try and catch some shuteye in engineering again.

  3. We had a sounding and security guy fall asleep at main control for about 45 minutes. We changed all the clocks and watches ahead and hour. He woke up and "Gun-decked" his logs in private, while we took the time to set all the clocks backs. Of course that eraser didn't quite do the trick, but he got thru it.

  4. A couple of us got thrown in the drunk tank in San Diego one fine weekend. There was a marine in the next cell. He was a boot and didn't want to go back to camp Penelton. i told him to tell them he wanted to be a sailor when he got back, and they'd just send him over to the Navy side.
    I suppose they killed him.

  5. Ah the good ole days, like sending the 'new guy' after prop wash, relative bearing grease or bitter ends. Always slept with one eye open.

  6. In that scenario, the best 'gimmick' took at least three to pull off right on the the unsuspecting open mouthed sleeper. The same as your Max, a camera man for that 'Kodak Moment' and the third, possessing a room temperature hot dog from the galley. A quick swish in and around the sleeping shipmates open mouth and hide the hot dog behind your back as he awakens in horror for the money shot ... before he runs off spitting in search of some Scope, cussing and threatening bodily harm to everyone in site. An experience that makes the sea story rounds enough to keep even the most tired sailor awake. 40+ years ago it was funny as hell, but in today's PC correct Canoe Club would probably render an OTH discharge.