Saturday, April 11, 2015

'Tattered Skivvies'

This is something you’ll never see in today’s Canoe Club…
Long, Long ago in a Navy far, far away when men were men and made of steel there was a Tin Can Crackerjack of preposterous proportions with the bluster of a ‘Royal Son-of-a-Bitch!’ By look’n at the fella you could tell he needed a new paint job, maybe some tinted windows and a new set of rims!! He had a huge beer belly with enough hair for a mattress factory, always stick’n out the bottom of his dingy old yellow undershirt!! His dimensions were so out of proportion you could park a bus in the shadow of his ass!! Just look’n at him made you wonder if evolution had made some terrible mistake!!!

It was late on a Sunday afternoon onboard this tin can some time back in the mid-fifties and the ship had just pulled in for a fantastic weekend of liberty in Palm Beach, Florida! But, the day prior to the ship’s scheduled departure a pre-arranged ‘Open House’ family friendly tour began early that morning!! Meanwhile our protagonist had a hangover giving him a headache like something ugly crawled up his ear and made permanent residence!!!

Having returned sometime in the early morn’ from an all-night drinking spree, our hero had collapsed like whale flotsam all onto his rack and fallen into a deep blessed sleep! Suddenly, and all too soon, he was rudely aroused and stirred by the commotions from above!!. Angry as a hibernating grizzly bear he pulled himself from the depth of his slumber in a darkened and smelly berthing compartment… staggered across the deck to the ladder and commenced to raise some hell!! With the elegance of a bladder infection he fully intended to inflict upon his inconsiderate shipmates a tongue-lashing they would never forget!!!

He struggled up the ladder and stumbled onto the main deck, with his brain spinning like a hamster wheel! As he tottered precariously and bleary-eyed out the hatch, dressed only in his skivvies with huge tattered holes revealing his meat & veggies for all to see... it was like a Reggae Band walk’n in on a Ku Klux Klan Rally!! With the bright lights shining in his eyes and not having the sense God gave a one-eyed Dixie-fried possum…

“ Gauddamn It! Ya’ll are as noisy as a skeleton wanking himself on a tin roof… now cut out the racket before I cancel your birth certificates!”

… Our poor, hung-over star had the perceptiveness of a crawfish in a mudhole! He continued to steady himself with great effort in the doorway wince he realized all the visitors, dressed in their best Sunday dress, as they froze in awe where they were milling about!! Our hero by excruciating contrast was attired in his tattered, ancient skivvies, which consisted of a few strips of yellow stained cotton hanging from the elastic waistband like a roman loin cloth!!!

Blissfully unaware of the true impression presented by his butt nakedness and his uncontrollable rage, he started swearing, and mumbling loudly devastating obscenities at everyone on deck… 

"Knock off that fucking noise you gauddamned idiots! It’s fuck’n Sunday! How is a guy to get any fucking sleep down in that fucking hole you call a berthing with all that fucking racket going on!"

…Trouble was, the ‘fucking’ crewmen on deck on this ‘fucking’ Sunday morning were mostly young mothers and their little girls dressed up in their finest church clothes, shocked to death at the sight of this obviously still drunk, uncouth sailorman with ‘Wally the one eyed Pete’ in full view, cursing to High Heaven!! To think that those sweet, innocent little girls got a look at something they had no right to see until they had grown up and were properly married!!!

Feeling thoroughly humiliated, he dejectedly headed back to berthing! Later while sitt’n next to his locker with his chin in his hands after a good ass chewing from the Chief & figuring he’d be going to Skippy’s Mast the next day…

 "Jeez you guys, why didn't you tell me all those ladies and little girls were there, I was totally blinded by what was going on!"

…To which his unsympathetic buddies replied…

 "Come on, you fuck’n idiot… that was so disgusting! Why don’t you let the flies out of your wallet and spring for a new set of skivvies for once!"

I suppose he felt about as outta place as a pork chop in a synagogue! Well, he got no consideration from his shipmates on that day!!!




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