If you were a typical Crackerjack of the Cold War era, you either had to relegate yourself to a celibate life of solitude, or experiment in what the Aussies call whore mongering overseas! Sailors & Prostitutes are synonymous don’t you know?!? It was one or the other, I suppose you could be a bit light in the loafers or spend a lot of time in your rack dancing the two fisted tango!!!
Let’s take a walk down memory lane in the vicinity of Magsaysay Drive back in the day! This was a journey you wanted your Sea Daddy around for more than a few reasons!! Who else would make out the exchange rate of all that funny money, or show you the best places to pursue refined refreshment and xXx rated interaction with members of the opposite sex?!?
As your Sea Daddy showed you the ends and outs of Olongapo, making sure you didn’t wonder off the wrong side streets, introducing you to the finest sidewalk cuisine… the monkey meat and the balut and giving introduction to the San Magoo and the Mojo too!! All you could think of was stuffing some ‘LBFM’ like a Thanksgiving Turkey!!!
So goes it your Sea Daddy would say…
“Slow down there young buckaroo, there’s plenty in the land of milk and honey, just take a looksee see!”
… And this was your ‘cherry boy’ induction into the Sea Going World of Iniquity!! You crossed Shit River gagging on that sweet mixture of diesel, sewage, & Bar-B-Q…
“Don’t fret now young fella, you’ll soon acquire an affliction for that smell!”
Then it starts, the first bar you walk into there’s that cute and appealing girl! The one that has that innocent… but not really look about her!
“Yeah kid, she’s damn cute and damn good-looking I’ll bet in and out of her thong, but I’m sure just by looking at her there’s a lot of bullshit involved!”
“So how do I know what to look for?”
“AAAAH, young ‘Grasshappa’… you need to learn low visibility reconnaissance techniques! I shall teach you the Ying and Yang to fend off unwanted bar fines… ‘Enter,’ The Way of The Bar Fine!”
“Oh, yeah, like there’s some ancient ‘Chinese Secret!”
“Oh, don’t laugh young ‘Danielson’… you soon shall learn ancient butterfly technique! I will show you how to avoid previous short times and find new ones on other side of town!”
“Would you stop with the Kungfu Mr. Miyagi Horse Shit? How about that one… I’d like to snake her drain!”
“Ha-Ha… no young one, that bar fine takes too much work!”
“So how do you know that?”
“The main sport in this part of the world is much more exciting than chasing tale in downtown San Dog! Bar fining… now of that my friend, I’m a true connoisseur!”
“So how about that one… she’s pretty tasty!”
“I think you’d be better suited for the short one in the corner with the nice fun bags!”
“But she’s not as beautiful as those…”
“The beauty is in the eye of the beholder or whoever is paying her bar fine at the moment… besides true beauty is only a light switch away!”
“I like that one over there… I’d like to spin her on my trouser rotisserie!”
“No, she’s probably been used and abused… you see, you want low mattress mileage with limited but quality ‘Smiles’ experience!”
… I’m still trying to figure it all out…
“You see, the real pretty ones are usually the most used and abused! It’s what’s inside her panties and who else has been in there this month that really matters! I’ve bar fined a few dogs in my time… at least I know my intentions were better than my eyesight! Besides, beauty is a matter of taste… and your bar fine budget!”
“What if all the good ones are already taken?”
“That’s okay… they’ll be available tomorrow! There will be another one… and another… and another… That’s why we keep coming to this Adult Disney Ride!”
“So what if that doesn’t happen?”
“Bar fining even ugly ones ain’t so bad, when you consider the alternative is Rosie and her Five Sisters! Besides, it’s better to have bar fined an ugly one than to never have bar fined at all!
… Because you can always say the mojo made you do it or that it seemed like a good idea at the time!
“Listen kid… Bad bar fines happen to the best of us… you’ll know when there’s a lot of bullshit involved, like when you need a lot of liquor just to come close to enjoying it… you know like that girlfriend who whines incessantly!”
… I’ve got my ear open, just learning the ropes…
“Then there are the negotiating fees! We’re only human, but the Mamasan… she can be a real bitch… the master of bartering!”
“What about VD… You know… the clap or Gonorrhea?!?”
“Don’t worry my friend, all bar fines come with certificates of health and authenticities to keep from catching the HIV or ending up with ‘Benny Boy! But beyond that… there are no guarantees, no refunds and no returns!”
“I’m sure everyone’s caught something a time or two, right?”
… My Sea Daddy was a Vietnam Vet and he used to say all is fair in love and war… Short times and bar fines are another story...
Yes… It was your Sea Daddy who kept you from waking up in that alley lying half dead and abbreviated in one of those piss gutters wearing nothing but ripped skivvies and yesterday’s groceries… one of those ‘I finally got it together but forgot where I put it’ kinda moments! After a good swim in the quivering love puddle it was off for some more fun with the Peso snatchers in their neon bikinis and go-go boots!!
“Just sit back and enjoy the show!”
… But don’t stand up too quick, that mojo’s got a kick!! You stand up to fast and you’ll fall on your ass, but thankfully your Sea Daddy was there to pick up the pieces!!!
The folks back home would never believe you if you told them! The possibilities strain on the edge of credibility!! But that’s the life we lived… and loved!!!