Saturday, February 25, 2017

'Laughs, Parody, and Messing With The New Guys'

An ol’ Shipmate posted some picks today that caused me to thumb through my mental rolodex and come up with a few masterful memories! Now there's not a Crackerjack Sailor out there who hadn’t flip through his own salty memoires and didn't smile when he remembered the little things we hold so dear!! These old recollections go a long way to forming those lifetime bonds of what being shipmates was really about!!!

Now we all know that life underway without a bit of cerebral stimulation could be boring as hell! Not a whole lot different than mushroom farming or watching paint dry… which sometimes was the case!! This ‘Vu’ got more ‘Deja’ all the time!!!

In most cases, the work day was longer than the amount of work that actually needed to get done! They tasked us with a lot of busy work to keep us occupied! We needed something to break up the underway blues!!!

To a new guy, this must’ve been like coming onboard as a stray mutt adopted by a family of trailer trash! And we just had to fuck with the new guy… Like ‘Good Gaming’ another shipmate right after an inspection or some other grab ass & horse play…

“That shit is fucking gay!”

“What do you mean that’s gay? I mean, how do you know you’re not gay?”

… To which he’d reply …

“I ain’t fuck’n gay!”

“How do you know you’re not gay? Have you ever sucked a dick before? I have… I know what it’s like! I hated it! But you can’t knock it if you don’t try it!” 

… Then came the parody to ‘Loving You’ …

“Butt Loving You”… •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•
“Is easier with Vaseline”… •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•
“Lubee In You Doo-Doo” … •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•
“OOOOHHOOOOOHOOOO!!” … •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•

That usually got the whole compartment rolling! After such escapades the games would begin!! The new guy wouldn’t enter the head alone!!!

Any of you shitbirds remember me standing square in front of that mirror flexing me naked butt cheeks… while flossing the crack and powdering me testicles?!?

That usually heralded a good ol’ fashion towel snapping contest! One of them standard issue ‘Navy Towels’ with your SSN# written on the corner would do!! It could tear the meat right outta your hide… ‘By God’ I might go to hell, but I swear it could!!!

It used to be a good Shipmate could find the humor in any situation no matter how bad it was! Even the ‘XO’ took light of my Meg Ryan rendition of an orgasm just before ‘Heads-n-Beds!! There was no shame… !!!

Okay, and maybe I need to stroke my ego so I’ll continue to be a legend in my own mind … but ‘Boy Was It Fun!!!’

And the movies at night when not on watch …

“A Few Good Men’ was the most disappointing gay film I’d seen all year!”

… That’s when the new guy was as baffled as Adam on Mother’s Day!! He’d look like a vegetarian in a testicle eating contest!!!

Nowadays you can’t harass the new guy anymore! You’ll get Court-martialed or sent to Skippy’s Mast for ‘Acting A Fool!’  Where have all the good times gone?!?  Now Sailors grow up not knowing how to get fucked with!! It’s a travesty I tell you!!!

One thing you had to learn being a shipmate! You had to learn to take some shit… learn how to be fucked with! There weren’t no times to be a sensitive little flower in these here parts!! You’re in the United States Navy for Heaven’s Sakes… we kill people and break stuff!! I got pretty good at the game!! I rolled around in it… I cradled it, I caressed it, I got all biblical on it…

“Slings and Arrows thrown my way in consequence!!!”

I guess at some point there were just too many ‘new guys’ with the IQ of a Camshaft screaming like scalded eagles because they were getting picked on! You know the kind I’m talking about… the ones who were as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy ass!!!

That’s when you needed that guy… You needed the one who stood the watch when he smelled bad! You needed that one guy with the twinkle in his eye and only a few months left to his EAOS!! You know the one… the one who could give two shits less!!!

You needed him why?!? You needed him because he’d been around and seen some shit!! He’s done shit!! He’s the one that would put the ‘New Guy’ in Check!!!    

We need a new term for sensitive little shits in this here Navy… because at least pussies can take a pounding!!!

I once read a quote…

“Life is made up of Moments… Moments create Days, days create Months, months create Years, years create LIFE! Lose the Moment and you lose Life!”

One day, my ol’ Shipmates will be parked in their lazy chairs thinking to themselves…

That was one hell of a ride!”

I’ve always had nothing but the greatest respect for those fellas… The ones that I served with!!!


  1. Taking shit, giving shit, giving a shit. Helped to pass the time, of which there was plenty to pass. Made for plenty of good times and great squids. I miss messing with them and I miss them messing with me. Thanks Dan for the memories. I never could get that bucket of blue steam, and I hope that someone, somewhere is still willingly looking into that box to see what a real sea bat is!

  2. Ahh the nights when the hatch got closed the spray and wipe came out and a few new guys emerged with a pinker belly then they started with and nobody saw a thing, not even the chief who snuck in down the escape hatch cause the main one was closed.
    Nobody was ever safe and it was all in good fun, even the morning the new boot got duct taped in the over head before muster for running his junk licker. Sucks we had coop inspection that morning, a gentle get him down and all was right with the world. God I loved being in a engineering division.