Thursday, June 8, 2017

'Captain Of The Head'

It’s funny because I remember when I was the Berthing Petty Officer, the junior guys would call me the Berthing Nazi!  From 0800 to 1100 hours it was nothing but assholes and elbows in the air!!  This here is a revised excerpt from the book, “Steve McQueen Would Have Been Proud” that I whole heartedly related with as if I was there…

“Hey, listen up, shit heads! I ain’t saying this more than once! Them’s pissers... Men piss in them. Them’s shitters… Men shit in them. Come 1030 when the XO inspects, they ain’t pissers and shitters no more!  Them’s dinner plates! I’m going to serve the XO a steak dinner with all the trimmings on the cleanest pisser he’s ever seen!”

The Berthing Petty Officer took a long swallow from his coffee cup, grimacing as the black acid went down…

“I don’t care how you do it, lick ‘em clean if you want, but it’s easier with the brush. And when you’re done, put a ‘Secured’ sign on ‘em or you’ll have a whole line of jokers in here pissing on the XO’s dinner plates!”

The Berthing Petty Officer showed the berthing cleaners the ‘Secured’ signs and the disinfectant in the storage locker, and then let out a long belch that smelled of coffee grounds.

 “I’m making a coffee run to the messdecks. Have them pissers scrubbed out before I get back.”

The berthing cleaner asked…

“What if more than one guy…”

“Leave on pisser and one shitter open for the crew.  The rest are secured for inspection.  If some asshole comes in holding his crotch, send him to that last pisser. You need a college diploma to figger that out?”

The berthing cleaners just nodded.  After the Berthing Petty Officer left, they stared at eight urinals… Dinner Plates! Above them all was a hand scribbled sign that read…


... Once again… I recommend this book! It’s brilliant!!!



  1. Never heard of any "berthing petty officer." There was usually one guy to clean the berthing compartment. If you were lucky there was one extra to clean the head.
    There was a duty head. It would rotate between divisions. The other compartments were secured for the morning until after inspection...period...
    The LPO watched over the evolution to make sure the spaces were ready for the XO's inspection.
    Berthing P.O? lol Must have been on a carrier where they had a lot of extra hands

    1. Even destroyers have a platoon of berthing cleaners these days...

  2. "Coop Bitch" was an accepted term on carriers back in the day...