understand today’s Canoe Club and the whole Alcohol Deglamorization thing!
Booze combined with our naturally inherent stupidity made Crackerjack Sailors
famous the world over!! We were widely known for our improper behavior, destroying
waterfronts, chasing dames, disrupting social events and urinating in those
fabulous water fountains!!!
“I didn’t know it was a water fountain… I thought
it was a public urinal with the bronze cupid peeing in the middle of the pool…
how was I to know?!?”
been getting drunk since the dawn of time! Even in the Book of Genesis, Noah
planted a vineyard after sailing the Ark and got dead drunk!! And in Norse
Mythology, the God of the Sea is also the God of Beer who always gets the other
Gods drunk when visiting his domain!! We’re the only branch of service that
even mentions beer in our fight song for Christ Sakes!!!
Did you know that Captain Morgan was a colossal
alcoholic?!? It’s said he died from dropsy due to his acute alcoholism!! And
for all you literature buffs out there, in the Aubrey-Maturin series of ‘Wooden
Ships and Iron Men,’ they refer to the Captain’s Coxswain as being ‘Drunk even
by Naval standards?!?’
named bars after us in places all around the world! Pattaya Beach you’ll find
the Sailor Bar, Cabo San Lucas there’s Squid Row, The Drunken Sailor in Key
West, Florida as well as many, many more!! Hell… I’ve even heard of ‘The
Drunken Sailor Bar’ in Greece & Spain!!’ We’ve made our mark everywhere we
I remember a
shipmate on my first trip to Mexico say’n…
“It’s time to get Pirate eyed and Tequilafied
Why does ya’
think Popeye always squints his one eye?!? It’s ‘cause he’s always drink’n
doubles and seeing the same way!!!
I found over
the years that hanging out in dives and hole in the wall shit joints are some
of the best places to meet the most interesting specimens of humanity! It’s the
kind of place you go to when there’s too much blood in your alcohol!! You go
because you sought solace in God, philosophy, or the bottle depending on your
In my heyday
when I was a young fuck up, we had our hangouts! There were five dollar
pitchers at the El Camino’s or Eighty-Eight Beers around the world at McDinni’s
Baha!! And we used ‘booze coupons’ to pay for it all!!!
"Hey go get us something to drink. I'm
thirstier then a Hooker on a dry dick!"
a Crackerjack Sailor in faraway lands, you’re always thirsty, but it’s nothing
a couple of 151 Mai Thais can’t take care of! We drank and we drank… sometimes
every night of the week… import of course!! We’d pat ourselves on the back if
we didn’t go out for a smoke and a drink!! I remember hearing a shipmate once…
"I'm gonna get a dog, name it Liver and abuse
Yes… we were
a bunch of pool shooting, beer swilling, card sharking sons-a-bitches! All we
cared about was chasing tale and drinking!! That’s just how it was…
“If I ever quits me drink’n and screwing strange
women it will be a sign of the Apocalypse I tell you!”
times than not we ended up drunk and alone…
“I'm as faced as a shit could possibly be faced. I
mean I’m fuck as drunk...fuck it, I’m just gonna lay here and play with One
Eyed Willie… In the street!”
Sailors tend to become some of the bravest of souls when fueled on cigarettes
and booze! At times It can be like an aging bull terrier trying to take on a Rottweiler…
"Don’t screw with me you son-of-a-bitch or I’ll
fuck your old lady up the ass and bitch slap your kids at your funeral!"
… or …
“After I shove that pool stick so far up your ass
it tickles your tonsils I’m gonna fuck start your girl in the ass until she
begs me to stop!”
exchanges, darts, pool, fights, banter, the DJ playing in the background… and
Ever so often you won the prize and got to take the girl home! But then there
were some nights you’d be so drunk you’d find the gal who’d stroked more wood
than a furniture polisher!! Not to mention waking up next to a face looking
like a gorilla's armpit!! You remember the one… the morning you tried to chew
your arm off to get away before she woke up!?!
there were those nights we didn’t get lucky! Remember making your approach to
the ship about midnight wobbling up the gangplank?!? It was an automatic drunk
detector… as a glideslope indicator would have worked wonders navigating up the
brow!! Hopefully you made it back to the right bunk!! There was nothing like
rolling into berthing tore up from the floor up!!!
Many a night
we’d stroll on into the berthing or the crew’s lounge and there’d be a shipmate
slumped over like a sack of potatoes, except potatoes usually had better
skin!!It was always a good time for
puking and pissing anywhere and everywhere waking up the duty crew!! There’s nothing
like a Freddy Krueger look’n Boatswain-mate son-of-a-bitch ripping open the
rack curtains and letting out the ol’ ‘Golden Flow… or Seaman Schmuckatelli
leaving a rainbow colored liquid trail all the way through berthing into the
head!!’ OOH It happened… more often than it should!!!
Then was the
‘Dawn of a new Day!’ The ‘Morning Quarters Drunk Parade’ walking into ranks
with your head swirling like the water in that shitter you pulled it out of ten
“Well would you looky here… a returning load of
happy, rollicking 'three sheets to the wind' Crackerjacks! I’m so glad to see
your shiny faces in the morning!”
we lived for at that age was getting drunk, getting laid, going broke and doing
it all over again the next payday! The happy-go-lucky sons-a-bitches I grew up
with didn't seem to care!! In fact it was encouraged and the incessant grab ass
that followed was inexhaustible!!!
today’s world you get breathalyzers! You’ve got Ken dolls with flat shaved
Tinkerbell chests looking like metro sexual runway models!! Too many freaks and
not enough circuses I’d say!! If you’re looking at enjoying a life of swashbuckling
action and adventure in today’s Canoe Cabaret, you’re living a life of
Crackerjack Sailors could do amazing things and be extremely entertaining when
they wanted to be! You gotta realize… we weren’t just idiots!! We were drunken
idiots… and we had fun every inch of the way!!!
The rain had
stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the VFW! A
rumpled old Navy Chief Petty Officer was standing near the edge with a fishing
line in the puddle!! A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and
asked what he was doing…
… The old
Chief simply said…
"Poor old loon…"
… The Marine
thought to himself, and invited the Chief into the bar for a drink! As he felt
he should start a conversation while they were sipping their beer & spirits, the young
jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief…
"How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14!"
… The Chief
answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12 year old Scotch…
What is a Matlow
you ask?!? Well, a Matlow is the British spelling of the French word for sailor…
Matelot! ‘The Matlow Told Me’ also known as ‘The Fucking Machine’ is part of the ‘Salty Dick’ collection of
Bawdy Sea Chanties… I hope you enjoy!!!
A matlow told me before he died
And I've no reason to think he lied.
He knew a whore with a cunt so wide
That she could never be satisfied.
So he built a bloody great wheel
Two balls of brass and a prick of steel.
The balls of brass were filled with cream
And the whole fucking issue was driven by steam.
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the prick of steel,
Until at last this whore she cried,
"Enough, enough, I'm satisfied!"
Now we come to the sorry bit
For there was no way of stopping it.
She was split from cunt to tit,
And the whole fucking issue was covered in shit.