"The BOHICA Files"

Life in the ol’ Canoe Club could be the “all work and no play” kind of mundane if you didn't stir up the pot every now and again.  If you’re a civilian type, and never been in the Navy, it would be damn near impossible to explain. But we did some shit! We invented major controversies to keep us occupied! Totally creative stupid stuff was the best entertainment you could get.

One minute our priorities were fighting those Soviet Commies and dealing with the repercussions of the Cold War, the next we were being condemned for a bad shave and in need of a major haircut. That’s just the way it was. Crackerjack Sailors didn’t know any better and truth be told, figured it would always be that way! You could cram 6000 sailors onboard a carrier and multiply that number by a hundred in rumors and free enterprise!

Case in point …

Onboard the newly minted USS Nimitz way back in its infancy, it’s said that a sailor had whined and complained to the Executive Officer (XO) that working hours were too long and didn’t allow time for the crew to take care of personal business as nothing was open before ship’s work and everything was closed at knock off! Apparently the XO had no empathy and told them to suck it up.  And that’s when the shenanigans started!!!

About this time the XO had overheard some of the crew referring to the ship as “USS NUMBNUTS.”  Not happy with the moniker, the XO had a question and answer column in the Nimitz News. In this column he’d put on a shipboard contest for a positive catch phrase, as some sort of morale booster. Somewhere along the line, a good old talented smart ass of a shipmate came up with the slogan…

“BOHICA – Our Screws Never Stop! U.S.S. NIMITZ CVN-68” 

Somehow this young sprite of a lad convinced the XO that BOHICA was a positive Native American word that could double as an acronym for…

“Best Overall, Highest In Carrier Aviation!” 

And would you believe that it actually worked? It won the contest!!!

For those not good with acronyms and wondering the true meaning of BOHICA…

“Bend Over, Here It Comes Again!”

And just like that, there were all sorts of trunk magnets, banners, t-shirts, ball caps, and stickers everywhere sold right out of the ship’s store. They were selling like generic Viagra on a PI street corner. Everywhere you looked there was another twelve inch by five inch bumper sticker announcing to the world that the folks onboard worked 24/7 to make the nuclear power the most efficient the world had seen!

After thousands were sold, the skipper, Captain Compton, found out the true meaning of BOHICA and decided the Nimitz was forever more out of the BOHICA business. He had the Master-At-Arms in full force participating in a project to surgically remove all visual evidence anywhere on base! Death would have been one of the lesser penalties that would’ve been paid by any son-of-a-bitch caught advertising such shenanigans!  To indulge in such nonsense was an invitation to have the major element of one's manhood promptly nailed to the top of the mast!

"Let us not continue to offend and embarrass ourselves over these offensive eyesores donning our bulkheads, piers and parking lots."

I don’t know who had the cohunes to convince the XO of such things, but he must had been some kind of self-possessed Superman!

One shipmate told me,

“We didn’t’ invent the phrase, BOHICA, but it sure was true. To say the workload was nothing less than slave labor would be a master stroke of an understatement. No human being should live and work like that. I have no idea how many hours a week we were putting in, something like the sweat shops in China, but you can bet your fanny it was a hell of a lot worse than today’s standards of living. They say the ship stayed at sea for almost an eternity with Builders Trials and all of the Qualification runs they had to do before the ol’ Canoe Club would pay the shipyard for the balance due!”

It was said that later, during the maiden cruise, Captain Compton saw a “BOHICA” sign posted in the jet engine shop. Needless to say the skipper lost his mind and lit them up like a Christmas tree. From then on, they looked around for zeros before giving away BOHICA merchandise!  It was also said that upon return from that voyage, the Skipper had about ten of those bumper stickers applied to his car, none by him. That said, that crew will also tell you, when they went to sea they were ready, well trained and knew the ship inside and out and knew how to fight with it to its fullest capabilities. They were ready, but as always …

“A sailor isn't happy if he doesn't have something to bitch about. Because a Bitchy Sailor is a Happy Sailor!”

I must admit, I thought it was just one of those malarkey full of shit sea stories, until I saw a bumper sticker on the back of an old pickup truck one day at the Navy Exchange.

As the years went by, the legend of BOHICA would still continue …

Bill Hartman said that years later as a first class checking aboard he was told by a former shipmate he should ask for his BOHICA kit from his Department Head during in-brief. Lucky for him he already understood what it meant.

Wayne H. Franklin said he’s still got a bumper sticker and tried to gift it to the Nimitz Historical Society but was rebuffed! He said Captain Compton didn’t like it much. Especially after the crew painted it on bedsheets and hung it out off the island side of pier 13 when they got back from a North Atlantic Cruise!  

Riding the ships today must be like living in a Boy Scout Congregation! No banter, no teasing, no shenanigans.  No “No-Shitter Sea Stories over a couple of cold beers. I wonder what it’s gonna be like one day with no more “you ain’t gonna believe this shit kind” of yarns?!?