So any of you ol’ shipmates remember feeling really homesick and blue as Christmas was upon us? Were you busy at sea being volunteered to pull some dastardly Christmas Eve mission?? Were you sent out to fetch a bucket-o-steam or some relative bearing grease???
I kind’a sat back wandering through my ol’ fish’n tales of Sea Stories remembering what it was like about this time of year… especially after too many hours of ‘Holiday Standdown’ … ‘Don’t Drink and Drive… Be safe hang’n those Christmas lights... Don’t light the tree on Fire… remember the number to the suicide hotline… and oh’ yeah, for you younger crackerjacks, “If it smells like a fish then it’s a dish… but if it smells like cologne then leave it alone!”… wrap that rascal cause we’ve got free ‘Goodyear’ treaded condoms on the Quarterdeck and besides... VD is for the enemy!!!
I was lucky enough to be home for my first Christmas in 1987. “ Could someone pass the fuck’n Gravy… Please?” As mouths dropped open with eyes popp’n out all over the table!!! No thanks to that fine Navy training at Boot Camp in Great Lakes!!! I think my Dad called my Chief back on base and got nothing but uncontrolled laughter as the Chief could give a shit less… “Just feel lucky that he gets to be home this year!” That was pretty much the sentiment back in those days!!!
My first Merry Christmas away from homeport was at the Singapore Naval Base Sembawang Seaman Center… 1989. After several months of bouncing around in the middle of God's great ocean we found ourselves celebrating in a humid 100 degrees poolside at one of her Majesty’s finest establishments in the southern most point of Asia!!! Full of Anchor Beer and various other sorts of booze we made parody of every gaudamned traditional Christmas Caroll in the book of peace and goodwill to the tune that would make a hooker blush… we did a bit of that as well at a local brothel a few blocks from the Seaman Center… as I recall one of our helo pilots had a bit of upstairs entertainment with the eighty year old mama’san… never saw that one coming!!!
Then came the Christmas of 91’ on the Chucky ‘V’!!! After spending the night with a couple of Indian Princess’ off the outskirts of Kingston, Washington my compadre Tracy and I came back missing morning Quarters about three hours too late!!! For this well spent sexual tryst we incurred a week of daily stripping and waxing the Electronic Maintenance Office floors from 0800-1200 during holiday stand down… rather it needed it or not. And the evening of Christmas Eve we were treated to a Juice Newton Christmas Bash at the local Kitsap Pavilion in Bremerton… Gay Sara Sara… What ever will be will be…
Then we jump to five years later and we see three men on camels in a row boat somewhere in the Persian Gulf…
It was Christmas, 1996 on the USS Rainier in the local Seaman Center of Fujairah UAE of the Middle East. The place was dark and dingy with velvet booths, outdated Slot Machines and Asian Karaoke with pictures of Bedouin Oasis all over the walls. Shipmates gett’n drunk on Russian Vodka and smok’n Cuban Cigars… Cigars were a most important commodity beings you can’t get those in the States!!! Hell, the air in the gaudamned place was 80% unadulterated stale cigar smoke and merchant seamen body odor!! The bar keep did what he could to keep the cockroaches under control, but some were bigger than the midget waiter… and beware of any American brand named beer... 110% formaldehyde!!! One thing was surely a’ miss… there were no big-bosomed barmaids to slap on the ass and bring you bubbled over suds to blow the excess foam off… that you don’t get in Fujairah… or anywhere else in the Middle East!!!
Then in 98’ there was Christmas off the coast of Bahrain. The night was clear and warm… the moon was bright… and we could see the lights from the waterfront about a thousand yards out the distance as the Captain felt uncomfortable about giving liberty in such terroristic times... We sat anchored out as we watched the liberty boats go in and out from other ships in our Battle Group… The only thing we had to look forward too on this Christmas Holiday was the Christmas Dinner!!! Regardless of how good or bad the food was, we ate and bitched about it no matter the effort. The night before Christmas the cooks laid in the essential goodies… processed yams… preserved cranberry sauce… stale nuts dated ‘1965’… cornbread… stove top stuffing… powdered potatoes… bug juice... and KFC style mutated turkey and roast beast!! The only way to tell the two meats apart was the rubber texture of the turkey and the roasted beast had rainbow sheen... like an oil slick… kind’a funny considering we were on a gaudamned oiler in the first place!!! But I gotta admit those cooks did a pretty good job with what they had to work with. Thirty minutes prior to the bells and whistles for “Dinner, knock off ship’s work” the messdecks opened and the hungry grabassing animals began forming a line that stretched the entire passageway to the cargo bay!!!
Then finally in 99’, after many years of sea duty, I had my Christmas in Tulsa! It was my first stent on Shore Duty… Sell’n the Navy like a cheap whore on Broadway!! Now I lived and worked in the busiest gaudamned traffic area in the State of Oklahoma... you see 51st & Memorial and 71st & Memorial are annually considered in the top ten of worst intersections of the whole United States… how the hell did I manage that??? Traffic gets so damned congested in that two mile stretch on an ordinary day… but it’s X10 the bottleneck during the Holidays! Recruiting outside the city limits was a blessing during the Christmas Season!!! I remember spending an afternoon at a down home diner in Okmulgee, Oklahoma one afternoon when some sweet heart of a waitress brings me my check at the end of my meal and tells me not to worry… “That old coot smiling at us from across the way put your meal on his tab”… ‘because it’s Christmas and he knows the crazy shit you do for a living!!!
But as a Chief I got to spend Christmas import on duty with the ship. It was the winter of 05’ and it was already a real downer all through the decks!! We had NCIS crawling the wood work on a witch hunt look’n to bust up the Chief’s Mess and everyone was on edge!!! People were falling like flies all around me and I didn’t know what to think… was I next on the list??? Who’s going down for what??? Then just before the Holiday Standown we went to Victoria B.C. and all sorts of non-regulation nonsense broke out… a bunch a high octane fuel to throw on the fire as they say!!! It left a sick feeling in your gut… gotta tell you that was probably one of the more miserable Holiday Seasons I ever had!!! The ol’ man gett’n on the 1MC and blast’n our business to the whole gaudamned water front… when it was all said and done the Skipper abruptly retired… we lost our Master Chief and five other fellas for disorderly conduct, fraternization, alcohol abuse and probably another dozen charges I don’t even know how to consider!!! But we moaned and we groaned… sucked it up and made the best of a really bad situation! I’m just glad I made it out alive from that floating curse of a ship!!! Damned near made me miserable to be alive… Hell it made recruiting duty seem like a walk in the park!!!
Then… just before retiring I did my last stent of shore duty at the Brig in Bangor Washington. Working in the Brig can be pretty depressing in itself at times with all the negativity… but to watch those sorry son’s-a-bitches on the Holiday, half of them with no visitors… with noth’n to do but stand around and scratch their butts… It’s hard not to feel a bit sorry for the lads… but they got themselves there somehow! With that said, Christmas meals were actually pretty darned good… as the Brig Duty Officer I was required to eat the same meal as the prisoners!! But we didn’t cook our own food… one of our own had to drive to the galley and pick up the food for the prisoners. Now, it’s no secret the submarine base has got the best cooks. They had more Galley award memorabilia on the gaudamned wall than my ol’ High School’s Trophy case… and I gotta say, even though I had to spend my Christmas day with the Prisoners, I could still appreciate a good meal to say the least!!! If it’s worth anything… you always get three squares, a hot shower, and a cot to sleep in!!!
But on this particular Holiday as I’m retired from Twenty-Three years of duty and no longer wear’n the ol’ uniform… I’d like to give a shout out to my shipmates, our fellow soldiers and marines and others who serve a cause overseas away from their families this Holiday Season… As they say… War is hell… May you have a peaceful and joyous Christmas & New Year... and Thank You for everything you do and I hope you get to come back and enjoy your families soon.
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