Wednesday, December 14, 2011

'Hello Sailor'

According to Wikipedia, the generally acceptable online Encyclopedia, "Hello, sailor" is a sexual proposition made to a sailor, presumably by a prostitute or promiscuous woman supposing the sailor to be male and sexually frustrated after a long time at sea. In layman’s terms that would be a hooker or bar girl…
I guess normal folks could never really understand… But it wasn’t always hookers and bar girls as I recall it…  when you’re young and dumb, full of testosterone, and your hands smell like jergens hand lotion from six weeks underway with noth’n but nekkit girlie magazines passed from bunk to bunk…  and stories of Peggy Sue at prom doing the tube snake boogie in the back seat with bra hooks tighter than battened hatches and panty hose stretched over like a gaudamned boat cover…  it’s no wonder us scallywags and crackerjacks were look’n for love in all the stranger places!!!
The foremost merit of the idea of ‘A Girl At Every Port’ was the drinking, dancing, carousing… and ultimately the women!!! After nights on the weather decks freezing the ‘balls off a brass monkey’ in the high pitch of black darkness or scream’n dream’n about big bosoms packaged in lace and legs spread eagle just for your liking… no thanks to that literary masterpiece tucked under the corner of the ol’ mattress… only to wake up in a compartment full of eighty other horny bastards with the same thing in mind, noth’n was sweeter than finding a young doll to cuddle up to once you made it into port!!!
The first thing a young foul smell’n Crackerjack was looking for once he was done handling lines and heard the words…“Secure from Sea & Anchor Detail,  now Liberty Call for all hands not on watch!”… was a big busted blondie with red lipstick dumber than snot ready to spend a few heated moments lock’n lips hot and heavy!!!
The memories keep flash’n by… any city USA, or overseas… didn’t matter! We’d call a taxi over… some Indian fella with a thick accent, mentioning just about every local crack, cranny, corner or hole in the wall slut trap we can pick up a gal… hooker… transvestite… or whatever the hell else floats your boat!!!
It’s funny how the ratio of time spent soliciting a sex partner as a Salty Serviceman is inversely proportional to the actual amount of time being serviced… But it wasn’t always the kill, but the thrill of the chase that could make it so gaudamned enticing, though the chase got a bit easier after a half dozen bottles of suds… just so ya know!!!
I found out there were nightclubs devoted solely to the pleasure of us Crackerjack types… who catered directly to our liking!!! Barmaids would fetch drinks and sometimes have vacancy for a short romantic tryst!!! No matter how you look at it you were still pay’n for it…  but on these nights us shipmates needed to stick together and confirm our social status of male bonding as we handled the women and drank our drunk on…
Sure there were the bargirls in Olongapo and Bangkok… “Buy me Drink. I love you long time. Pucky, Sucky, no Shit”… Mama-Sans or Madams charged crazy prices for girlie drinks so you would pay the bar fine and maybe some pucky sucky afterwords but that was expected in the Carnal World of the Adult Disneyland!!!
But in the states?!?!
We pulled into Hawaii on the Baglady as I was hang’n out with the Hosmeister, Ed ‘Marlboro Man’ Willis and a few others from my division… As we happened into the pub of one of the beachcomber hotels on Waikiki!!!
Now Ed ‘Marlboro Man’ Willis was the kind of fella women took joy in look’n at but this gal was all up on his jockster!!!  And every time Ed would go to the bar to get her a drink… the discretion of her hand would wiggle its way into my lap under the table… 
I looked at the ‘Hos’ and said...

“She’s fangling with my dangling underneath! What should I do?”
He tells me in no uncertain terms...

“She’s a prostitute man!!!”
I looked up at him and Ed in a total assortment of amazement, horror, and fascination… but still smiling from one ear to the other!!! Was she gonna wait to tell Ed until they were stripped down butt nekkit??? 
I never got to find out… but it was a fond lesson learned!!!
Then there were other times we were so gaudamned determined to take on a one night stand you’d either be commode hugg’n blasted drunk or in some dames arms where you’d wake up in the morning only to wonder…

"Holy Shit Batman, how the hell did I end up with that?!?!”
… then try to chew your gaudamned arm off!!!
But one misty evening comes to mind when I was just a young lad at the McDini’s Baha in National City… standing at the Juke Box look’n for some music to play! All of the sudden a see a pair of pink fingernails up from under my ball support take hold from my backside… I turned around and there was this heavy set gal…

“Hello Sailor, you’re com’n home with me tonight!”
 She was a real woman with big bosoms and smelled like perfume… but I walked over to my barstool as I sat with my classmate who happened to be an Australian Sailor from ‘down-under’ named Stevo… we were in CIWS ‘C’ school together and he loved to drink… and screw… and talk a lot of shit…
“Hey mate, I’m a gonna tell everyone in class how yee stuck a porka tonight unless yee get her ta take me home too right?!” 
Now that kind’a proposition left me a bit speechless but I figured hey, why the hell not!!! So I sprayed a bit a ‘Binaca’ into my pie hole and asked her if she’d like the two for one special… By Golly… she was Game for it!!! 
And so that was that… first time I ever played tag team ‘Bronco Billy Style’ with another fella only to hear her yell…
“Call me a Bitch… Call me a slut… Call me a Whore!!!”
Then there was the time in Cartegna, Columbia and a shipmate so lovingly called Lorenzo by the local cartel of Pimps who bought a hooker on credit!!! If anybody could sweet talk a pimp to buy a hooker on credit… It was Lorenzo!!! Those sons-a-bitches chased us up and down and all through the old town for two days before they finally got their money!!!
I gotta tell ya, I was in fear of my life!!! 
Then eventually one of your shipmates would marry one of these gals… you’d warn him and plead with him… but eventually it would have to happen… her double soft chesty pillows were too gaudamned fluffy for him to resist…
At the wedding she’d throw out the ol’ garter…

“The hell with that, I want her panties… Autographed & soiled!!!”
I knew that peg-legged ol’ Sea Salts and talk’n parrots were stuff of legend but the Girl at Every Port ain’t too much to ask for from a Pirate Two-Hundred years too late… is it???
My idea of going to heaven and meet’n Peter at the Pearly Gates is having a couple of big breasted maidens waitn’ for me to enjoy the ride!!!!!


  1. Jorge Ortiz:
    This is awesome. During my last deployment (in 2008) we received a really cool e-mail from the owner of a famous bar in Phuket called the Crow's Nest, your story reminded me of that cool e-mail... It was hillarious yet, completely honest. ...

  2. Stuart Povick: No cure like a "Secure" .......

  3. Fond memories of "Po" City. It's a wonder I lived through it.