On my first couple of ships… Baglady & Chucky ‘V’… this disorganized boy’s club was a little short on tits and high on the hog when it came to foul mouthed business and tell’n dirty jokes at the round table… there are few quite as proficient and accomplished at swearing as those swash buckl’n sailors of the past! There were no rules… and if there were, we made them up as we went along!! With most of us younger bottom feeders being single guys in search of amusement and gratification, we were fat, dumb and happy with the morsels of life that make up true memoires to pass on to future generations…
In those days we lived in our seabags… begged, barrowed, and swindled ‘cause we couldn’t afford much else!! We hung out in establishments intended explicitly to part Crackerjack types from their money. We rubbed shoulders, laughed at each other for amusement & tossed down the cheapest suds available while lying to each other about the size of our jewels and how many women we had in each and every port!!!
We were closer than brothers and shared each other’s money, cologne, beer… sometimes skivvies and in extreme times, women!!! You could borrow ten for twenty smoke a fella’s Marlboros and keep his beer cold & girl warm while he was on duty… talk about friends with benefits!! And sometimes we’d even share a car!!!
“Hey ‘Swing-a-ling’a-dingdong’… you going out tonight?”
"What’s it worth to ya Smithee??”“If you are can you pick me up a pack a smokes and some twinkies?? Here’s the keys to my car!!”
“You got it Brother!!!”
“And while you’re at it bring back a pizza and see if you can sneak a six pack into gun plot!!” “Now your push’n it!!!”
I don’t think we were ingenious enough to pull that last one off though I’m sure it’s been done a time or two…
I can’t remember the exact date but those involved would surely remember… this is a no Shitter!!!
Back in the days of the ‘Baglady’ my buddy and fellow cohort in crime ‘Smithee’ would often entise me to do questionable deeds while in use of his car! So I headed out for an evening of mayhem in the likes of ‘Pacific Beach’ San Diego!! It just so happened that I ran into Ed the ‘Marlboro Man’ while on my jaunt into town… Now Smithee knew that anytime out on the town was a debacle that could possibly get his car impounded… but in the spirit of being a shipmate he let me on my way in good faith!!!
Long story short, Ed the ‘Marlboro Man’ and myself headed back to the base about 0200 hours in the morning half lit with no business being on the road… these were different times!! Wouldn’t you know it, when we got to the front gate we had one of them base DoD rent-a-cops that really got off on his job irritating us swabby types... figured he must’ve been a marine in his previous life!!!
We showed him our IDs and just about made it through the gate… that’s before he noted Ed the ‘Marlboro Man’ had a can of Budweiser square in his junk about half full… in my inebriated state of focus I didn’t even realize he had it… We were almost home free but Ed had to show off his can of suds!!! The Rent’a Policeman about flipped his lid and commenced to read us the riot act… never once did he ask me, the driver, if I had anything to drink!!!
I summoned up a quick line of bullshit about picking up my buddy at the bar ‘cause he had no way home and too much to drink…
After a thorough butt chewing and pooring out any beer we had in the car, Mr Rent’a Policeman was gracious enough to let us go with a stern warning… inspite of our own stupidity!!!
Boy you know that would never happen in today’s day and age!!!
To make it worse we had another fella passed out in the backseat and ol’ Rent’a Cop in all of his squeal’n and squak’n never took notice… By the time we found a spot to park the jalopy the fella in the backseat started relieving his gut of its most recent contents all over the back floorboard!! We did our best to clean it up and Smithee never complained so we must’ve done a pretty good job!!! Though he asked us sometime later about someone upchuck’n in his backseat…
Lesson learned here kids… don’t try this at home… nevermind it was twenty-two years ago and things were different then!!!
But hey we were as close as a bunch’a seagoing running mates could be!!!
Then there was the Needham experience… this one beats them all!!!
Most of us had just made it onboard the USS ‘Lucky No. 7’ and it was the first ship many of us had been on with lady shipmates!!! Quite a different crowd when the fellas get a whiff of frenchy smell’n perfume on a female turd chaser with a firehose and watch’n all her male counterparts circling around like a hoard of buzzards in for the kill!!!
These were just the facts…
Shortly after move aboard one of our lady twidgets had a fallout with her husband with full intent to leave him… that meant she was prime for the pick’ns and ready to be whisked away by some sort’a prince charming… if you get my drift!!
Well, I don’t know if you wanna call FC1 ,we’ll call him ‘Crisp with a Lisp,’ cause he had one hell of a lisp… and he was far from any ‘Prince Charming’ I ever knew… but I regress…
Mr. ‘Crisp with a Lisp’ conned our boy Keith Needham into borrowing his car for a deep saltwater fantasy to field test our lady twidget’s lingerie fastenings in the backseat of Needham’s car… though I’m sure Needham had no idea of the future outcome…
After a night of sympathizing her woes Mr ‘Crisp with a Lisp’ had a bit of midnight bliss in the backseat of his shipmates car in the middle of ‘Fleet Availability’ parking! Try say’n that five times fast… He could’a got a room at a cheap fleet motel but decided to use panty removal techniques with bright red lipstick and pungent body odor inner twined with bra hooks and elastic skivvies just to see how flexible our female twidget could really be!!!
He must’ve done the job… they ended up married less than a year later!!!
The next morning ol’ Needham went out to his car…
“Holy Fucking, Fuck… Crisp, what did you do in my car last night??”
“Gauddamned seat adjustment’s out… windows won't work… footprints in the window… smells like ass ‘no literally’ it smells like ass in my car… and the felt is hanging from the ceiling… What the fuck happened???"
I knew straightaway he didn't want to hear the truth. ‘Lil’ Miss Twinkle Toes must’ve been pressing her feet up against the windows and gett’n them tangled in the felt overhead… Once Needham found the silk panties under the seat he never let ‘Crisp the Lisp’ and ‘Lil Miss Twinkle Toes’ borrow his pimp rod again!!!
Yes these testimonials happened long, long ago… in a time far, far away!! We produced more pandemonium and mayhem than most could witness in a lifetime!!!
And if you were there you should feel honored to have been a slight trivial insignificant part of it all!!! In Today’s Politically Correct environment you couldn't duplicate that way of life if you had too... It's vanished… never to come back…
But someone once told me
“You can't miss what you never knew...”
I was on the around the world with the chucky v, when we got to Alameda and settled in the area a buddy ( Goose), had good times met good people! lol met the spaghetti lady, hahaha, bath tubs n spaghetti sauce,,,,,,, nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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