‘What Crackerjacks Do For Amusement’

Without the senseless mayhem that we Crackerjacks brought to the table, life could become excessively mind-numbing in the ‘Ol’ Canoe Club’. There were times our existence became so gaudamned wretched you could actually get more excitement watch’n crickets mate on ‘The Discovery Channel!’

So… we concocted foolish crap. We spent times discerning ourselves with stupid shit to do. It was that or the rubber room. When you lived and worked in an institution devoid of tits & ass and had to deal with the testosterone of your shipmates… who can top who with the biggest amount of bullshit ever… the only three-ring jubilees we got were the ones we created of our own inspirational chaos. We had to prefabricate our own fun… it’s part of who we were!!!

Case in point… Only Sea going Crackerjacks will find such idiocy to be funny… Why? Because… it was part of the camaraderie, ‘esprit de corp’ that made us who we were!! If any pre ‘PC’ sea going sailor tells you different, he’s lying.

When Sailors were competing for bragg’n rights to see who’s the alpha male ‘Sea Daddy’ of the pack… a great challenge was concocted… one that stirred up the pot… forced young crackerjacks to choose right from wrong and provide us with enough amusement to keep our tiny intellects from overloading on coffee and stress!!! This was the only thing that kept us from becoming severely traumatized from months of intensive boredom!!!

And when we got into the nearest liberty port our crazy inept brains would always lead us to a particular type of establishment… No matter where we went, someone in the crowd had ‘Been there done that’ and knows of a great place… and after somewhere in the neighborhood of a half case or so of warm beer… women that looked like Rosie" O'Donnell started looking pretty good…

Then a challenge was made and the game was on!!!

Next came the crazy babble… silly banter… bullshit arguments, hooting & hollering… cuss’n and lay’n wagers… and the bait had been laid!!!

One particular memory comes to mind at the ‘Top Gun’ in Olongopo in the PI!!!

You see… after months trolling through the great Pacific blue there was noth’n more alluring than those cute tiny brown-eyed island girls called ‘LBFM’s…   with something under those bright colored skirts we were standing in line for… and after five minutes in that little watering hole we’d found ourselves shelling out as many hard-earned pesos as we could while we left our brains in our beer glasses…  

But it could never be that easy as one Squidoo would challenge another squidoo for the most iniquitous little honey in the cantina… the challenge you ask???

The most foul smell’n, rancid, vile looking thing you’d ever seen or smelled… unless your familiar with the ass end of a baboon… but the wafting odor of an evil-putrefied two week old chicken embryo curdled in its shell!! This rotten morsel is a delicacy in the Philippines best known as balut!!!

If the smell alone didn’t knock you on your ass then the crunch of a tiny rotten chicken embryo could bring tears to your eyes… cross that with the smell of shit river and the third world atmosphere we were surrounded with!!!

On a sober day I’d have to be seconds from death by starvation to intentionally put one of them gaudamned things in my mouth… but this wasn’t one of those times… and I fully intended on winning the prize!!!

After a large gulp of San Miguel’s finest and two fingers hold’n the ol’ snot locker shut, I ate balut for the first and last time… the end result… it damned near killed me as the last thing I ate prior found its way up through my esophagus and out my nose holes… guess my fingers didn’t help much!!! Death would’a been easier… living through it was rough… it damn near tore me inside out from both ends as I dashed for the nearest shitter knocking over people, buildings and villages that stood in my way!!!

It was these kind’a endurance type stunts we’d pull to prove our manhood… speed gulp’n a yard of beer… the infamous beer bong… even the truth serum of wog days and CPO’ initiations paled in comparison… but I don’t wanna give out too many secrets!!!

Then there was the notorious ‘Gallon Challenge’… it’s the process of gulping down a whole gaudamn gallon of milk as quickly as possible… never seen it done before without the recipient hurdl’n the curdle!! Apparently the lactic acid overdose is too much to handle!!!


As a Navy Recruiter out of Tulsa, Oklahoma, we had this fella in the office...  a great kid named Monte! He wore himself out trying to get the job done. There wasn't any lousy rotten snot nosed civilian on the street he wouldn’t approach… Busted his butt gett’n it done… And then pop up smiling asking if there was anyone else he could work on... The guy was damn good at his job!! So good that his good deeds couldn’t go unchallenged by his counterparts!!!


You see, Crackerjacks will sometimes go to great lengths to be a bunch’a rotten bastards.  They’ll go through no uncertain terms to entertain themselves through their fellow shipmates misery once a trap is set… so you should never let down your guard!!

Apparently someone had gotten the idea from an episode of ‘Jackass’ on MTV and Monte had no idea what he was getting himself into!

Monte, being the sportsman that he is was in no mood to pass up this challenge…

First as the chugging commenced ol’ Monte was full of himself and seemed to enjoy what he thought was the ease of such a simple challenge… then we watched as his face started to contort out of its normal reddish glowing state… then his eyes would dart fervently from one side of the room to the other… suppose this was when he started to realize what a bad idea this was! You could see that his pea sized brain was reasoning the purpose of this idiot proof plan… his chest began to heave as he let out a disturbing and violent release of vomit!! By the way… this went on for five minutes at least!!!

Pictures were taken and the priceless look on ol’ Monte’s face was plastered on the bulletin board for all the new recruits so they can see how not to fall for the follies of other shipmates!! 

I think someone put a quote under one of the pictures that ‘excessive milk drinking could lead to the growth of udders’…

These were just some of the hair brain, underhanded scheming, diabolical plots we would get ourselves into… all in the name of camaraderie and brotherly love!!! Only Crackerjack Sailors can appreciate how entertaining this could be!!!  The typical civilian just wouldn’t understand the motivation of stressed and frustrated canoe club sailors who would often sink to such depths…  

Yes it might seem trivial, stupid, and even juvenile to the typical outsider… but you tend to remember the pranks and shenanigans!! They represent the good times and silly behavior of our youth!!! We were riding the fine line of needing legal representation for dumbass nonsensical activities that only a typical crackerjack would be guilty of…

These were the things they wrote sea shanties and lyrical ditties about… pure unadulterated bullshit… poking and prodding each other…  performing simulated sexual gestures… tell’ n socially unacceptable sea stories… making all sorts of bodily generated sounds… no wonder they said you couldn’t qualify to be a Chief unless you’d been to Skippy’s Mast at least a couple of times!!!