Wednesday, February 1, 2012

‘Say’ns In The Ol’ Canoe Club’

In High School just before breaking into the ol’ Canoe Club, I used to carry an old proverb pamphlet in my back pocket… always loved those gaudamned things!!!
 
“Confucious say, man on pot get very High!!!”
 
Never knew all the sayings, colloquiums, proverbs, axioms… or whatever other kind’a vernacular horse manure you want to call it that we used in the Navy… Hell they’ve already got a vocabulary all on to itself…
 
It wasn’t long before I ended up in Boot Camp in Great Lakes learn’n  cadences  about some gal on the hill who wouldn’t do it but her sister will…
 
Two of the meanest sons-a-bitches in charge calling us everything from numb nuts to dip shits greeting us coming off the bus…
 
“OK, let us put you stupid bastards in sync with your current relationship with the rest of the universe… you volunteered for this Navy… Never Again Volunteer Yourself!!!”
 
And when you got in trouble…
 
“My name is Richard Cranium but you can call me Dickhead Sir!!!”
 
… that was in between the pushups!!!
 
I remember once gett’n caught bullshitt’n at the chow hall and the Company Commander walked up behind me…
 
“I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're gonna be cough’n up dingleberries in your breaksfast if you don’t shut the fuck up recruit!!!”
 
I suppose they were preparing me to be the guy who threw the trash over the side in heavy seas… Rigg’n the rat guards on the mooring lines when we pulled in… doing tiger parties down in the ship’s bilges paint’n over oxidized poop and God knows what else… And several other amazing ventures the devil and this ol’ Canoe Club boiled up for us…
 
Yep, it was enough to make a young man hungry…
 
“Hey, does anybody know what's for chow?"
 
“Yeah, Cock and Cake, but we're all out of cake… your choice!!!"
 
So it was usually off the brow by 1600 hours hitt’n the ‘E’ club or some other local hole-in-the-wall outside of base…
 
Usually when you’d wake up in the morning it was like a pure living hell… slept in  your clothes… mouth like an ash tray… feel’n like old leather…  wreaking of alcohol… Chief would look at you at Quarters and say,
 
“If you’re gonna hoot with the owls at night you better learn to soar with the eagles in the morning!!!”
 
Then once down in ‘Gun Plot’ the conversations would begin about last nights trysts with the local dames… and how we usually ended up unlucky…
 
“Well… you can put roses on her piano… and then maybe you’ll get Tulips on your Organ!”
 
Some fellas would chime in on how hookers were cheaper because you always end up paying for it in the end… plus there were fringe benefits…
 
“Prostitution is the only profession in the world where new comers get paid more than the experienced ones!!!”
 
Of course by lunch time your ass was in your pit taking a nooner trying to sleep off all that poison from the night before… then Chief comes in and finds you in your rack thirtie minutes into work…
 
"They're gonna have to muster a 20 man working party to get my boot out of your ass.. now get up and get to work!!!"
 
Then you’d catch Chief up by the gun mount giving the Ensign a ration of shit for his troubles…
 
"Hoorahan, Do ya wanna know the difference between an Ensign and a Seaman? A Seaman has been promoted twice."
 
If overseas you might go to the Duty Corpsman to get some Vitamin ‘M’ for your swelling headache… of course you’d have to stand in line for the ‘short arm express’ that’s what the line was called for that basic shot of penicillin ‘Doc’ gave those who didn’t pay attention to the sign hang’n over his door…
 
“If it smells like cologne leave it alone… If it smells like fish ya know it’s a dish!!!”
 
ON the ol’ Chucky ‘V’ we had an FC3 named Driver who was proof of the inevitable truth that evolution can go in reverse… while replacing the search antenna on a CIWS mount we lowered down and handed him the egg shell fragile radome to put on the deck… the silly bastard dropped it upside down from about two feet leaving a dent square on the very top… FC1 Wintersteen yells…
 
"You’re about as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker!!!"
 
“I didn’t realize it was so fragile…”
 
“Shipmate… I'm gonna tear you a new corn chute!!!”
 
“But you didn’t tell me to be careful…”
 
“I’m gonna hit you so hard your kids ‘ll be born dizzy!!!”
 
That was a typical day to day scenario with that fella… calling him stupid was an insult to stupid people…
 
Then there was the incident of Unauthorized Absence that cost my compadre and I a week of EMI stripping and waxing the Department Head’s office …  when Chief walks in and catches us screwing off…
 
“I'm gonna swab the floor with you assholes, then whoop your ass for not gett’n in the corners!!!”
 
Fun Times…
 
Then it was off to a brand new ship… USS Rainier!!! She was shiny and ship shape and the new Skipper wanted us to keep it that way so there was a new rule… ‘No Dipping onboard ship’… he didn’t wanna find Copenhagen flavored spitoons in the angle irons… So Chief gathers up all the ladies in the Division…
 
"Listen up shitheads I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell my girlfriend, if you put it in your mouth you better swallow!"
 
Yep… Chiefs really knew how to make poetry outta them words… like when Master Chief Oldknow called the bitch box to the Sparrow Director Room look’n for EW3 Heupel and I said…
 
“Is that ‘Oldnutts on the box?!?!”
 
Evidently he heard me and requested my presents in his office…
 
“You ever fucking disrespect me again like that… I'll rip out your wind pipe and use it as a fuck toy."
 
Boy them were some good ol’ times…
 
While onboard ship life could get pretty mundane and you wouldn’t wanna get caught skylark’n or screw’n the pooch… Being a crafty bastard you learn to manage your time in such a way you can perfect the tried and tested art of walking around the ship looking busy with a clipboard in hand... nobody questions the little bastard with numbers widdled into his note pad look’n up into the overhang and behind the angle irons… but eventually some wise ass Chief would catch ya, “Been there done that” kinda thing!!!

 
“Shipmate, if you don’t find something productive to do I’m gonna take that there dogg’n wrench and put so many gaudamn knots on your head the Quartemasters are gonna be able to use your nogg’n to navigate…

Do I Make Myself Clear!?!?!?”
 
Yes Chief…”
“If I catch you fuck’n off again I'm gonna be on you like a wet fart in satin panties!!!”
And I’ll never forget when my ol’ buddy FCC Heath Ryan looked at the Weapons Officer on the Mighty Momsen after a ridiculously long briefing,
 "You know sir, for a guy who talks a lot, you sure don't have much to say… Why don't you send us an email, and we'll decide if it's worth putt’n out to our guys."
Weps… somewhat distress just got up and walked away.
Then on the same ship the shit hit the fan and a bunch of my brothers were put on the chopp’n block for fraternization and alcohol abuse… Chiefs were dropp’n like flies and no one knew what the hell was going on or who would be next to go… I remember Darrell Smalley say’n…
"We're so fuck’n unlucky, if it were raining pussy, we could all look up and get a dick in the mouth!!!”
At the time it probably wasn’t appropriate but I laughed my ass off… noth’n like break’n up the uncomfortable silence in the mess!!!
Sooo.. on my last tour of duty I did some shore time at the brig… I started Under Instruction with a GMC about to retire who drank like a sailor… cussed like a sailor… he was every bit a sailor!!! We got on the discussion of Three days bread and water and he tells me like this…
“You don't wanna be on bread and water... I tried that shit at home for the hell of it… had a loaf of bread and a glass of water for three days… I was constipated for a whole gaduamned week… it was like my asshole was dry heav’n!!!”
Hahaha… He used to tell the inmates…
“I’m gonna kick your ass so hard you’re gonna be able to cough and fart at the same time!!!”
For those of you who have been fortunate enough to have never been in this man’s Canoe Club… we had some great times… all the way to the end!!! We were far out at Sea in a place that could kill ya in a second… but we made the best of it… and you thought Chiefs don’t have a sense of humor….

8 comments:

  1. God Damn tears in my eyes.. From laughter and crying for missing the old Navy

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  2. Classic. You know i ran into Master Chief Old nuts back around 2003 or 2004 when I was on the USNS Walter S Diehl, and believe me he had not changed one bit. God I miss those days sometimes. I really hope you get to publish all this in a book sometime.

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  3. Don Smalley: Enjoyed the read, and some of the flashbacks, thanks !

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  4. One of my FTs mistook a bottle of nitrogen for that of helium one time (after all, they both are gray) so he puts it in the weather balloon we use for the PMS check on the SPG53F. Lauches the balloon and it sank like a rock! Needless to say ole FTG2 G got a ration from the Chief and the Divo.

    Was Big Bob Munson on the Rat during your time? I was in the mess slapping the side of my neck with Curtis Dry saying "what the f**k is your problem, son?!" and, unbeknownst to me, Big Bob was behind us. Needless to say I got a rather dirty look.

    Did you ever work for Schmucker or Ciskovsky on CIWS? And do you remember BMCS Joe Brown?

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  5. I needed this read!
    I retired as a BMC in 2009 and wouldn't you know it, the three closest bases to me are Air Force. Lemoore is not much further but none are really close. A Landlocked Sailor is a horrible thing and my first job after retiring was, if you can believe it, working at Social Security. It seemed like every time I opened my mouth everyone around me braced for heavy sea's! Apparently I was the only one who ever said Fuck when I was irritated. Never around clients, just at my desk and for the most part, when the women were not around. Then again "shit" caused "it" to hit the fan so I had to be above my best behavior at all times.
    I was a BM1 on Ranier for about a year, before blowing out my knee and going to sick, lame, and lazy duty there at Bremerton before picking up the Bridge.
    Just wanted to say thanks for the trip down "amnesia lane."

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  6. We had a giant BTCM from Texas. Great guy until someone pissed him off. His famous phrase was "...18,000 motherfuckers". It fit every situation. "I'm gonna beat your ass like 18,000 motherfuckers!" "That pump shit the the bed like 18,000 motherfuckers". "I'm hungry like 18,000 motherfuckers".....

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  7. Upon graduating from 'A' school an old HMC was explaining to us about how we could extend for two years and become instant petty officers that day. When he asked if we had any questions, I raised my hand and asked. So what you are saying is that all I have to do is extend for two years and the Navy will give me $3,000 and make me an HM3 today? How about I give you $3000 and you let me out today. After the laughter quieted down the old chief put his face in mine and said, "Open your mouth one more time and I'll jump down your throat dick first, then have you discharged for being a queer." That was back in '71 so it wasn't considered politically incorrect at the time.

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