Wednesday, April 18, 2012

‘A Crackerjack Sense of Humor’

There comes a time when a young man grows up… becomes aware of what a gauddamned idiot he is and accepts his responsibilities into the halls of manhood!

One of the things I remember about life in the ol’ ‘Canoe Club was the sense of humor. The pranks, banter, jokes, grab ass’n and other shenanigans… the very thread that wove us fellas so closely together you couldn’t fart without the other end of the boat know’n what you ate for chow!!!

Show me a ‘Crackerjack’ without a funny bone and I'll show you someone I wouldn't wanna be stuck at sea with.

Yes, the absurdity went from childish to sleazy in seconds flat… occasionally despicable but never dull! We had our moments and hell, that’s what brought out the camaraderie in all of us!!!

You see that’s how we expressed ourselves… and if you didn’t use your head in one of those heated melees of humor then you might as well have two asses… ‘cause that’s what you’d end up look’n like in the outcome of one of those verbal assaults!!!

Almost without fail… as soon as a new ‘booter’ would check onboard…

“Watch this shit! I’m gonna have fun with this rookie!!”

Poor kid would come prancing into the shop all young and proud as one of the Senior Petty Officers would come over and put his arm around the young fella and give’em a wink or a pinch on the ass…

The youngster would almost always get all defensive…

“Get off me… are you fuck’n Queer? I ain’t no damn fag!!!”

Then he’d ask the kid…

“What’s wrong are you homophobic or something? How do you know you’re not Queer?? Have you ever ‘Polished another fella’s knob’… ‘Played the Pink Oboe’… or ‘Smoked the Pole’!?!?”

The reply…

"Hell no, I ain’t no Fuck’n Homo!"

“Well then... don’t knock it til’ you’ve tried it kid!! I know I'm not gay 'cause I’ve sucked one mean cock and I didn't like it!!!"

The rest of the fellas would be roll’n on the deck laughing their asses off as the poor kid had the look of horror in his eyes!!!

Then there were the caricatures drawn in bitch books and green memo pads in ‘Combat’ late on the midwatch… ‘Ol’ Goff’ had a thing for farm animals… so he said… and Oh’ Henry… I’ve already written a few about that ol’ boy!!!

Drew a nice lil’ sketch of Goff drill’n for ‘Wool’ with his pet sheep as Nautical Needham stood to the side doing his Elvis Priestley impersonation to ‘Oh Henry’ as he comes walk’n up, tell’n ‘Oh Henry’ he’d have to wait his turn in line…

Somehow the ship’s Chaplain got a hold of that and boy… I was the spawn of the ‘Devil’ at that point… He was wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister’s wife at an all you can eat Sunday Brunch!!!

I had to apologize to all involved and write an essay on fraud, waste, and abuse with the use of ‘Government Property’!!!

And the language… we didn’t give two shits about our language back in the day… unless it was a ‘Tiger Cruise’ or the Admiral was onboard!!

I’m talking about the kind’a stuff you don’t read in ‘Doctor Suess’ books… ‘Cat In The Hat’ never used words like these!!!

I remember my ol’ buddy Shawn Mitchell made quite a wreck outta the ‘CIWS’ Mounts before he made LDO!!! Lord knows you gotta be about 10% smarter than the gauddamned equipment your runn’n!!! Between bash’n the Search Antenna and Radome into the hand rails and shooting off the muzzle & mid barrel clamps ‘cause he forgot to use his cottar pins…

“Hey Dennis… you got any of that ol’ camel cum over there in your gun mount??"

 "Does a Hobby Horse have a Hickory Dick?”

After losing his muzzle and mid barrel clamps in the deep blue he got our Leading Petty Officer ‘Wintersteen’ madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire!!!

“Mitchell!!! You better pull out that Dildo that's stuck in your ass and un-fuck yourself!!!"
The trouble was… we didn’t have women around so our social graces had deteriorated to the likes of… well… cuss’n like a sailor!!! You’ve heard the term… ‘Make you blush like a whore in church’!! We didn’t have our Mommas around to serve up copious amounts of soapy water for our unkempt mouths!!!

But things changed over the years… not sure for the better or the worse!!! Seems to me if a man can’t get his point across in the heat of anger… he becomes about as useless as tits on a wart hog!!!

It used to be that ‘Hand me that gauddamned piece-o-shit thingy m’jig sitt’n over there’ was socially acceptable language… then one day Mr. Bill Clinton came in with all that ‘PC’ nonsense and we all had to recalibrate…

Now an eighteen year old immature knucklehead is gonna have to watch what he says in his sleep!!! After repealing don’t ask don’t tell… who knows what’s coming next!!!

I heard that a fellow Chief recently retired and had this to say for his retirement speech…

"Twenty-Five years ago I joined this ol’ canoe club and it was illegal to suck a dick… today it's optional… and I'm just glad I’m retiring before it becomes mandatory."
But you know how the ol’ saying goes… “It only takes one ‘Awe Shit’ to kill a thousand att’a boys!!!’


  1. "Every bit the truth! Lol I remember that stuff..."

  2. I remember the days when this was the norm but not in a bad way. Most were not mean or vindictive it was just how we communicatted with each other. I really enjoyed all of the people I served with which also means I enjoyed my 26 yrs active. I don't think I would like the Navy now, too many things to worry about.

  3. boats you hit the nail on the head todays navy you dont drank no tats hell no fun least it seems like that ret. GMGC

  4. oh Holy Sheet, I've said and used EVERY one of those examples. Still use some of them now. Wife just shakes her head and says "just not out in public"...what???? where's the fun in that..

    Dan, I always look forward to your words of wit.

  5. I certainly can relate to all of this, used almost all them, pulled pranks on the nooks, favorite was the sea bat. This brought back good memories for me. Thanks.

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  7. The engine rooms were verbal open season on "boots". Learn to push back, grow a thick skin or go topside

  8. Curse words were punctuation, not an attempt to insult or embarrass others and it was gospel if the story started with "This is no shit!"