With today’s ‘Canoe Club’ going into the more Politically Correct direction and everyone becoming a ‘Johnnie Be Good’… ‘Mary Sue Ellen’… cookie cutter ‘Eagle Scout’ citizen of Utopia variety… the ol’ crusty mariner’s club of ancient times, (WWII, Korea, Vietnam…etc.etc.) never had to deal with the ever sooo important mission of… ‘Operation Golden Flow!!!’
This could otherwise be known as the Piss Test… Whiz Quiz… Mellow Yellow Exam… or in more professional circles… the Random Urinalysis!!!
Somewhere around the time of 1971 the U.S. military was having issue with the boys in ‘Nam’ coming home loaded on Heroin and even bring’n it back and selling it on the streets… apparently there was one helluva black market for the Opium Hashish Trade in those days… not to mention the ‘Movement’ in the states with all the Hippies runn’n amok smok’n the whacky tabacky and hallucinating on shrooms & LSD!!!
So there I was about fifteen years down the road … ‘Great Mistakes’ Recruit Training Center… northern Illinois!! We got off the bus about midnight… did a basic check-in after an hour of catching a ration of horse shit… about a hundred of us rounded up to some temporary holding barracks like herd of untamed cattle on a cattle car!!!
And in accordance with the ol’ Canoe Club’s ‘Zero Tolerance’ policy regarding the ‘reefer… ‘white lines’… heroin… and the ‘Crack’ cocaine… we were to have periodical urinalysis testing! Nothing speaks ‘empowerment’ like a surprise 0500 wake-up with a belligerent First Class Petty Officer…
"Alright dirtbags… drop your cocks & grab your socks… Let’s do this! Show me some skin… drop your trousers at the urinal… you know the drill!!!”
To me this was pure testament to the ol’ Soap on the Rope my ol’ buddy Joe was talk’n about!!!
“This guy wants to watch me ‘Awaken the Bacon… Bash the bishop… Chuck’n the muck’!!!”
So there we were a giant gaggle of scruffy, unkempt, civilian types… none of us were about to get in the way or make a scene… just sign the paper, grab the bottle, drop your drawers and do your thing…
I was stand’n there in a set of nonskid footprints like a nun in a whore house…
“Relax Recruit… it's only a piss test! You're shaking like a dog shitt’n a peach pit!!!”
I remember I was so gauddamned nervous I got my noodle stuck in the zipper… If I would’a known what I know now I would’ve walked up look’n real concerned and anxiously clarified how I hadn't studied for the test, and wanted to know if there’d be any extra credit points!!!
Between the stage fright and the lack of pure H2O hydration, I had to make a dozen or so visits to the water fountain just to get it primed for the pump…
“Are you gonna piss in the cup or are you gonna make me sit here and stare at your cock all damned day!?!?”
After two to three hours of anxiety… I peed so gauddamned hard I nearly knocked the cup outta my hand!!!
Upon a successful flow… it was time to put the red tape across the lid, never losing physical control of the bottle… never taking my eyes off for a moment… only to put my initials across the tape as to secure said container against tampering!! A lot of man hours went into this fiaso!!!
Eventually after a couple of years of this nonsense I started thinking of funny ways to make light of the situation… like putting water down my boondockers and taking them off just before I got ready to piss…
“I just couldn’t wait anymore!!”
“I was wondering… can I have a take home cup???”
Eventually if you stick around long enough… you get to stand ‘Cock Watch’… be a ‘Dick Tracy’… or ‘PC’ Urinalysis Observer!!!
I got my chance on the ol’ Rainier when a fellow ‘FC’ got fired for allowing a deck seaman… Seaman Mabre… to stick his finger in the cup… then he held the son-of-a-bitches cup while he zipped up his fly!!!
Even if I was ignorant of the rules I wouldn’t have touched his dirty pot-o-gold!!!
But I gotta say… it takes a special kind’a attitude to be piss ogling another fella’s pink kielbasa! It sure as hell ain’t the most delightful job on the planet!! You get up before everyone else and you make sure you stick around until you’re good to the very last drop… as the ol’ Maxwell House commercial used to say!!!
‘Crackerjacks’ in foul weather jackets and beat up ol’ dungarees hollering stupid shit back and forth while stand’n in line…
“Hey Cock Copper… you like ogling the Tube Snake smothered in underwear don’t ya!”
“I’d rather be the cabin boy on a Greek Vaseline Barge!!”
Then Chief would walk in…
“Seaman Jones… you look like Joe Shit the Ragman… Did you iron that uniform with a rock?!?!”
“Hey Shipwreck… why don’t you unholster those six shooters!!”
“Take your gauddamned hands outta your pockets numbnutts!!!”
“Thomas… get over here! You look like a Sitrep wait’n for a date-time-group… what the hell did you do last night?? You’re as high as a gaddaumed Giraffes Pussy!!!”
“Good thing we’re having this ‘Piss Test’… I’ve been look’n for a reason to shed some of this useless weight… now let’s get this show on the road… I’m tired of screw’n around!!! I’ve gotta hurry up and get home so I can play with the box the kids came in!!!”
Then you’d get the son-of-a-bitch who’d piss all over the side of the cup and refuse to wash it off…
But once you get comfortable and the sons-a-bitches keep mess’n with you…
“Can I hold that for you?”
“Do you need an extra hand?”
Eventually I was on independent duty as a Recruiter in the middle of Timbuktu, and talk about absurdity… Try driving two or three hundred miles just to give a sample of pee in a cup!! I thought for sure somebody would have to write a paper on fraud, waste, and abuse… That shit was for the looney birds!!!
There was a while there I’d noticed some observers were a bit complacent at watching the piss go into the cup… Once I was honored to don the uniform of a Chief… I really loved these guys!! First I’d tell the young fella I couldn’t piss without shit’n my pants so he’d haved to watch me in the shitter stall as I’d examine myself from every inch while pulling my skivvies down…
“Chief, what are you doing?”
“I’m check’n for hemorrhoids and hernias… what’ya think I’m doing??”
“Aaah Chief… that’s messed up!!”
“Hey, maybe you can come slap me on the rear a few times to help get it goin!!”
“Come on Chief… This has gotta be some form of workplace harassment!!”
Splash!!! Tinkle… Tinkle…
“Yessss….That was refreshing!!!”
I thought about wearing a diaper just to show how ridiculous it was...
If you wanna know a good way for the Government to cut waste… get rid of those damned random piss tests… or at least make it for the ones who screw up!! If I ever have to piss in front of another pecker checker… penis machinest… or newbie observer again, I swear I’ll be wear’n a condom just for kicks… then let’s see the look on his face as I extract the ol’ Third Leg and ask…
“Hey Shipmate… I know you’ve been doing this all day… so how do I measure up??”
After all, if there’s gonna be a pissing contest there outta be a judge… Right?!?!