Wednesday, April 11, 2012

‘A Case Of Mistaken Identity’

After my last story it got me to think’n…

It was rough… damn near impossible to sustain a long distance relationship with that sweet young lil’ thing back home when you were stationed two thousand miles away… after just a few months in the ol’ Canoe Club it was over… I got my ‘Dear John’ letter and it felt like a sure swift kick in the balls!!!

Imagine being stuck there festering and stewing… like an itch that just wouldn’t go away!! Like that area of your back you just can’t reach and it only gets worse and worse but you can’t do anything about it!!!

I was wounded like a wolf in a bear trap… I’d given that person all I could but circumstances beyond my control ended it all as I felt used and abused!  Thought I’d never get to feel’n better after that episode… so I was bound and determined to get drunk and sleep with random women whenever the opportunity presented itself!! I suppose that’s how I dealt with the hurt I was feel’n for gett’n shat on!!!  Yep, the ol’ Break-up Hangover they call it… your only defense to feeling gutted like a ‘sucka fish’!!!

Yes… this was ‘Custers Last Stand’ and I was gett’n tired of the ‘Four Knuckle Shuffle’ so I did what sailors were known for the world over… and went out whoring!! Why?! ‘Cause’ that’s what young men in ‘Crackerjack’ uniforms do… and I was about to join right in!!!

Heading across the street to the ol’ Helm Club I was out for the kill… and like I said before… them girls weren’t fancy or sophisticated in their government regulated white cotton blouses with torpedo tits look’n like a ‘Zeppilen Race’ and I had noth’n to lose!!!

Somewhere in the midst of a Terence Darby Sycamore Tree melody and burning up a couple hours of a weekend liberty pass… I’d met this cute little Navy gal a couple years my senior who was ready and willing to take on a young buck like myself!!

Now this wasn’t no gaudamned Cinderalla-Prince Charming type Romantic doo-dah! At some point in the night we decided to leave the club and find a little roach motel outside the gate somewhere up the road!! All the sudden love turned to lust and all I could think about was roll’n out the ‘Gang Plank’ and lett’n the seaman go ashore… if ya know what I mean!!!

After Donning Mr. Happy’s business suit… it was time to inoculate the ol’ panty hamster and we did the dirty for what was the first time since the ol’ break up from ‘Suzie Rotten Crotch’ back home!!!

Now I could easily turn this into a Penthouse Love Letter but that’s not what this is about so I’ll skip over the semantics of sex and stick to the story line here…

She was a Fireman about four years outta high school from Hershey, Pennsylvania going to Navy Engineman ‘A’ School and that’s all I can remember beyond our more intimate details together that evening… but what was most memorable… that damn gal could float an air biscuit!  She would fart something fierce all night… and every time she farted, I swear she’d knock loose a filling from my teeth!!

And before the night was over she’d lift the covers up for a little peek-a-boo and pull the ol’ one-cheek sneak and stink up the whole gauddamned motel room… I always wondered what the hell got stuck up inside that Hershey Highway… she sure the hell wasn’t shy about lett’n it all out!!!

The next morning we headed off to base and parted our separate ways… but not before schedul’n an afternoon rendezvous at the base gym… ‘Hell I was gonna get me some more of that action… she might’a been a bit obnoxious with the ol’ anal announcement but she was tighter than a skeeter’s ass doing a nose dive in the sack and I was ready and rear’n to go…

A few hours went by and I was at the Gym faster than a fart in a windstorm… looking, survey’n the place… finally I see this gal on the universal machine! She wasn’t wearing any make-up but sure as hell looked like her so I began to talk’n…

“So here I am… how’s your workout coming along?”

“Alright I guess!?!?” (looking on awkwardly…)

“Well I suppose I’ll go hit the bench press!”

Now that was a bit unpleasant… and once again I was feel’n sort’a loathsome and dejected like she was ignoring me and didn’t want to give me the time of day…

Later that evening I headed back to the ‘Helm Club’ with several of my fellow shipmates! Sitt’n at the table minding our own business when…

“You’d make for an excellent photo in a proctology textbook… ASSHOLE!!!”

“Where the hell did that come from?”  

I asked…

“You stood me up at the Gym and now you’re out with your buddies… I’m not some third rate whore you can have your way with and dismiss like nothing happened!”

And she splashed her drink in my face…

I did my damnedest to get her to listen to me… it all made sense now… the gal at the gym wasn’t even her! It was a pure case of mistaken identity!! But she wasn’t having any of it!! I’d done screwed the pooch on this one and knew I’d be sacrificing the sperm to the God of Lonely nights that night… after that lil’ episode I doubt she would’a spit in my ass if my guts were on fire!!!

But you win some and you lose some… that was the first time a gal had thrown a drink on me but it surely wouldn’t be the last… and from then on life as a ‘Crackerjack’ became quite an adventure… full of laminated horsemanure and plenty of prophylactics to enjoy the ride!!! 

And the lesson learned here… If a gal comes at you with hostility ready to cut your manhood off and feed it to the fishes…  ‘Just Play Dumb’ and act like you don’t know what she’s talk’n about… who knows, you might end up goin’ home lucky!!!

1 comment:

  1. God chief, perfect timing. I needed this early this AM. Since I have to deal with my gal being in Japan.