Tuesday, June 9, 2015

'Three Sailors And A Girl Montage'

I remember a time when the ol’ Canoe Club was a trade of honest drunks! Many a Crackerjack were audacious, smart-assed, ballsy, hilarious, hard-nosed, and downright full of shit!! Better company there never was!!!

You see, young Crackerjacks were wild men…  Always had been since the days of Noah! It's what made them worthwhile, if sometimes difficult!! It was also the fiber of our comradery… the soul of our brotherhood!! That was before the ‘PC’ Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes arrived with knots in their knickers and mucked things up!!!

While there were immense problems abound on the ‘Good Ship’ Momsen, there’s no doubt fraternization imposed the most devastation to the crew! We’d lost a number of Chiefs including the CMC to this debauchery!!  The Momsen became a life-sucking degrading entity … an amazing proctologic curiosity!! The soul of the ship became as dark as a cannibal's intentions!!!

I specifically remember coming aboard during Christmas Stand down with this nauseating feeling deep within my gut! Every morning someone was called to the wierdroom for some sort of witch hunt inquisition and a few Khaki Brethren had left the fold with no rhyme or reason as to what had happened!! We were left in the dark never knowing who was next!! But none of the cases seemed as destructive and overflowing as the one that hit home with my shipmate Jeff McSweeney!!!

A young female sailor who looked like her face had been set on fire and put out with a mallet, told a couple other shipmates how her Chief was cleaning her pipes, and word got around!  Now, some gals in the ol’ Canoe Club are pretty damned scary! I mean you can get PTSD just from being around them... It's a gauddamned medical fact!! That being said… I don’t know why anyone would take the time to paddle her pink canoe or play hide the salami!!!

 At one point, Chief Storekeeper Lou Russell, a lousy excuse as a Chief who couldn't inspire loyalty or ambition on a bet, got wind of it all and sought her out! After brow beating the young gal time in again, she said Chief Russell assisted her in presenting her statements!! I suppose ol’ Chief Russell was more interested in climbing up the knives in McSweeney’s back than getting down to the truth of the matter!! Working down in radio she was nicknamed radio station because she was so damned easy to pick up!!!

Well, this set off a shit storm and a case was initially investigated by the EMO within the life lines as fraternization was later to be found without merit!  But the Skipper wasn’t satisfied!! He whistled a different tune of his own… as his comprehension of sailors was about as analogous as a pygmy understanding a TV set!! Five months after the fact, he had the NCIS investigating the case as a rape!!!


But this gal wasn't innocent by any stretch of the imagination! I tell you she had more pricks in her than a second hand dartboard!! According to the NCIS investigation she kept track of how many sailors she’d been diddle whacking by placing an ‘X’ over their photo in her commissioning book!! She yearned for the attention… kissing so many damned sailors her lips moved in and out with the tide!! She’d even reenacted an xXx rated ‘Three Sailors And a Girl’ montage on the beach during sail around from Maine!!! 

Although eyewitness testimony often seemed at odds, they were fairly consistent in that Chief McSweeney didn’t rape the ‘poor girl’ and the charge was downgraded to fraternization and adultery! That’s when the really fun shit began!! Soon a Summary Courts-Martial would follow and I would end up the star witness in behalf of my Khaki Brother McSweeney!!!

The story unfolds at the CPO Barracks of Copp Hall on the dry side of the 32nd Street Naval Station in October, 2004! We’d just had a ship’s party across from Schneider Hall but the sun was to set with no way to get rid of coolers full of beer, food and other party favors left from the festivities!! Someone had the prudence to check out a room at Copp Hall so we could store said sundries without recourse… and that we did!!!

That’s when things took a turn for the worst! There was in all a good number of ten to fifteen male and female shipmates left behind when the drop off was made!! A few barnacles stuck around for another beer and a few left!! It all seemed pretty harmless and above water!!!

There was the room, a common area, and the catwalk that goes around the inner circle of the barracks where a few were shooting the shit for all of a good thirty minutes to an hour! According to the ‘investigation’ when the female shipmate in question went into the common area, she had already downed twelve beers and laid across McSweeney and two others while they poured beer into her bellybutton and commenced to do body shots!! Of course all of the males involved denied this and no one there could ever validate her story … how rich is that!!!

Evidently at this point she was feeling overwhelmed and invited herself to the bedroom where she laid on the bed as the ship’s Yeoman laid beside her! This is where I come in… one of my fellow Chief brethren mentioned leaving so I went to the head to drain the dragon and as I went into the bedroom to get to the head, there on the bed was YN1 and our ‘female protagonist’ talking about ‘I don’t know and I don’t give a shit!!’ When asked if anyone else was there…

“There may or may not have been… I didn’t pay attention and could give two shits less!”

When I came out of the head, they were still there and still talking so I had left!!!

This is when her story got real fuzzy…

According to Miss ‘I Get Around,‘  YN1 and her were just lying on the floor when her Chief entered the room! She had mentioned they both had bald heads and she was only semi coherent at the time… but someone with a bald head was kissing her and she was very drunk and couldn’t remember!! Funny how convenient that story is…huh!?!

YN1, who had a separate Courts-Martial and was not found guilty of Fraternization or Adultery, had already got himself in a jam when his stories were found to be inconsistent! YN1 had already admitted to lying and admitted to crawling into bed with the young woman and kissed her repeatedly but never had sex… Yeah, that’s believable!! So he essentially admitted being the culprit but McSweeney fell on the Sword!?!

Never mind YN1 had already admitted to sharing a hotel room with our young lady in Panama City, Florida during the commissioning!!!

Now before this tale goes any further… realize Summary Courts-Martial is nothing more than glorified Captain’s Mast with the Desron Command! The Desron delegated the task to a Lieutenant Commander who just happened to set in a desk across from our young lady in question for six weeks TAD awaiting the proceedings!! Imagine how unbiased our Judge & Jury must have been after six weeks of an ear full from ‘Miss Blue Balls!!’ Not the kind of situation ol’ McSweeney wanted to be in!!!

Now when the Courts-Martial took place a year had already transpired since the incident and a new Skipper had come aboard! After taking over the command that made the Navy Times for Sex, Drugs & Shots Fired in the… that’s another story, this new Skipper fully intended to make a name for himself!! The first whiff of trouble and ol’ Chief McSweeney was guilty before proven innocent!! Topping it off… Desron was the Skipper’s Executive Officer just a few years prior on another ship… pretty tight running mates wouldn’t you think?!?

 For anyone who doesn’t know better… the Military Justice System ain’t hardly fair and impartial! Once they got their eyes on you… you’re toast!! I gave my testimony…

When I got back to the ship roughly around 2300 hours that night, Chief McSweeney was in the Chief’s Mess watching TV and eating a ham sandwich!”

 … But it didn’t matter as it was clear the Hearing Officer already had her mind set! Chief McSweeney couldn’t get a word in edgewise as it was considered ‘irrelevant’ or ‘extraneous’ to the case by said Hearing Officer!! I felt as useful as Captain Hook at a Gynecologist Convention!!!

The Lieutenant Commander was left unswayed and in the end McSweeney was busted to First Class Petty Officer and shamed to retirement after Sixty Days Restriction and a Formal Reprimand! But according to the NCIS investigation there was no testimony or evidence in corroboration with any alleged sexual misconduct!! I suppose Chief McSweeney got screwed through the Drive-Thru!!!

Just another incident that left a sour taste in many a mouth with the ‘Good Ship’ Momsen!  It was the most socially dysfunctional Goat Fuck I’d ever had the pleasure to have served!! Our tactical skills were off the charts… but socially we were as fucked up as a football bat!!!

Everything I was taught in the ol’ Canoe Club about keeping within the ‘lifelines’ and taking care of shipmates went out the door! We were moving into a new world rather we chose to or not!! I suppose such is the way of the Ruling Gas… just wait for you to Fuck up so they could hand your ass over on a silver platter!!!

Next it’ll be ‘Gay-Sara-Sara… What Ever Will Be Will Be’ with all the damned Transgenders! Can you imagine Skippy’s Mast for Sexually Harassment of a RuPaul look alike?!? It’s gonna happen… mark my words!!!



  1. I retired in '97. Even then I didn't think it was soon enough with the PC stuff running rampant. And from the guys I know who are still active, it's worse now.

  2. I too retired in'97. Two years after being called a dinosaur by a female Master Chief. Something to do with my lack of PC and ability to accept the "New" Navy.

  3. Truth be told those morons of TAIL HOOK F-IT up for all from then on no lookiee, no touchiee, no thinkiee, and check your balls at the next reup

  4. Next it’ll be ‘Gay-Sara-Sara… What Ever Will Be Will Be’ with all the damned Transgenders! Can you imagine Skippy’s Mast for Sexually Harassment of a RuPaul look alike?!? It’s gonna happen… mark my words!!!

    the author of this article had my attention till the comment above.
    I am a CHIEF BOATSWAIN MATE, and hard. the last of a dying breed. I have been in khakis for 9 years. im not new.
    but here's the cool thing. your shallow, narrow minded, simpleton way of thinking is on its way out. (and no im not gay,married with 3 kids and have been). but one day, all the stupid people will die and that includes close minded ingrates like yourself :)

    1. Funny... when people post comments! I never bother erasing them! But they don't have the balls to post their true identity!!! Figures as much! I don't have a problem with homosexuals... Transgenders?!? When they pretend to be someone they're not, it's called false advertisement!!! Let the other person you're trying to romance know the same... Besides, how the hell are you going to fit that into Navy regulations on uniforms, make up, haircuts... and what berthing are they going to sleep in? Are you going to make a special berthing place for them? Wouldn't that be a form of discrimination within itself?!? Yeah, and I'm an ingrate... it might work just fine in the 9 to 5 world, but in the 24/7 world underway for months at a time... you're asking for trouble!!!