Sunday, October 9, 2011

‘Making A Mess By The Mess’

Before I get started… don’t get me wrong! There’s nothing more attracting to the ladies than a handsome young American Sailor decked out in his summer whites!! And nothing could make you feel more proud and cocky than walk’n with that good ol’ American swagger in a fresh crisp uniform…

But boys & girls I gotta tell ya… going anyplace in that gaudamned uniform can be hell!!! Nothing like walking around in a dirt magnet, every gaudamned thing you touch, lean against or sit on makes you look like you’d been in a mud rastl’n contest in the local strip joint!!! Though that wouldn’t be a bad thing… but sure as hell wouldn’t of wanted to have to explain that to Chief when you got back off liberty… if he’d even believe that shit!!!

Hell, the damn things were see through as well… once saw a female Corpsman standing at attention in her dress whites right across from our division during a Command Inspection… She was wear’n them cute panties with red hearts all over in the San Diego sunlight… couldn’t believe she survived that inspection… go figure!!!

Which brings me to the point of this damned story…

For the most part this particular day started out like any other day, with the exception that I had problems with my bowel movements over the last few days. Usually over the course of a dozen different types of unruly lubricants such as beer and other intoxicating libations I didn’t’ have such a problem… maybe it was from eat’n too damn much red meat!! I couldn't seem to take a decent dump, so I had taken a dose of Ex-Lax earlier in the day.

I was going to CIWS Phanlanx Weapons school taking evening classes and spent most of the morning trying to push out a bit of relief with noth’n more than a bit of flatulence now and again.  After an hour or so of taking the ol Ex-Lax the pain in my intestinal track had subsided, and I started to feel a bit better… So, I got on with the day as I got all dressed in my uniform and ready for class.  Occasionally I’d get that odd pain again and a few farts would slip out, but no poop.

I got through the first part of class okay until it was dinner time. Gett’n back to the barracks I had to pass by the base galley… so naturally I had to go by once again on the way back to school. On the way back I had a sudden urge to fart just as I was passing the good ol’ chow hall... just then…

Oh Holy Mother of Jesus!

When the fart escaped my hiney hole I couldn’t believe how bad it smelled. I knew I must’ve had the ol’ hershey squirts in my shorts ‘cause it felt less like a fart and more like I’d lubed my ass in cooking oil... it was about this time I’d realized as I was emitting this rather foul odor that my butt crack was a bit more watery feeling than I was comfortable with…

Yep… somehow while eek’n out a fart I’d let out a small amount of poo… IN MY GAUDAMNED ‘ICE CREAM MAN’ NAVY WHITES!!!

No there was no way in hell I was walking to class in this mess… so I started squirming my way back to the barracks one foot at a time squeez’n my butt cheeks together so as to keep it from gett’n any worse!! When I got to the barracks there was a brown circle in the ass of my pants about the size of a Silver Dollar!!!

After a good pump-n-dump, five minute shower and a change of uniform I headed back to class about ten minutes too late while having to explain myself. I told my class counselor my story as he figured I couldn’t have been making this ‘shit’ up and let it be known that this would be strictly confidential…

Low and behold, five minutes after I was sitt’n in class the son-of-a-bitch walked in and mercilessly let the ol’ cat out of the bag… I was ridiculed and teased for months by my fellow shitmates… umm… shipmates!!! I let my wife know about this story and to this day she still teases me… guess some things should’a been kept to myself… but hell, nobodies perfect… we all have shitty moments in life!!!

In retrospect I guess I could've dropped that dinner time deuce in the flower-pot of the foyer outside the base galley… them sons-a-bitches would’a been less likely to give a poor fella a load of shit for his problems… no pun intended!!!

Just goes to show you how shit happens…


  1. U had me @ the title LMFAO

  2. Your just full of poop Dennis...lmbo! ;)

  3. That's a shitty story!!!

  4. I washed a cup...once...I still have horrific flashbacks of what happened after....Don't ever ever touch the cups!!!

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  6. I'm stayin' anonymous for this (no)-shitter for good reason...

    When attending BE/E school, I was overcome with the worse abdominal cramps of my life, and knowing that appendicitis ran in my family, I beelined over to the dispensary, and sure enough, when they poked and prodded me the pain was extreme to say the least, so they rushed me over to X-Ray, disgnosis: possible appendicitis...

    Well, the X-Ray came back negative, so I think it pissed the Doctor (a real MD not a Corpman)off that I wasted his time... I was prescribed a 2 QUART fleet enema...

    I was going to have no part of this nonsense, but the Doc already had my next move (bolting for the door) figured out, and two of the biggest Corpmen I ever saw in my life were blocking the door, and I was told that I could do this the hard way or the easy way, "Now turn around and bend over".... Even though I was only a SN at the time, my response would have made any salty old Chief prowd, and the two gorillas started moving in towards me....

    Not wanting to be forcibly butt-raped by (2) 1 quart bottles of whateveritis they put in those jugs (that were looking bigger by the second), I relented before the goons got hold of me, dropped trou, and leaned over the gurney or whatever they call it....


    It felt like my whole insides were full of water, right up to my tonsils, and that was the FIRST quart!
    After I was violated by the second quart, the Doc (a corpman this time) sez, "Hold that in five minutes, then go use the head, and he walked out....


    As soon as the door clicked shut, I wobbled as fast as I could to the shitter and didn't even make it to a full squatting position before letting loose... I felt like an overinflated tire letting all its air out, and it went on and on....

    I hang out for a few minutes, fearing that if I hurry out the door they will violate me again... so eventually the corpman comes back in and tells me I can leave, check out and get my note to return to class...

    Behind the "reception" counter is a "Wave" (as we called Enlisted women back then, probably not PC anymore) Corpman, stuffing her face with a double-beef whopper, and at the same time telling me how great enemas are for you, and how good it is to purge your bowels of toxins every now and then....

    Only in The US Navy, and you REALLY can't make this sort of stuff up!

  7. Reminders of the San Magoo Blues first time in PI and the OC Head being standing room only (2nd Div berthing, where the FTs and GMs were, was below it).

  8. It is all behind you now, brother!!

  9. This is too funny. Almost shit my own pants reading this.

  10. Bwahahaha... He shit hisself!!!