‘What’s In A Nickname’

The guys I steamed with will remember…

Back when I was a ‘Boot’ in this ol’ Canoe Club everybody had a nickname!! Nicknames were an earned privilege!!! You didn’t get to pick your own… it usually came to you from one of the saltier fellas in the crew…

Hell, with the last name of ‘Swing’ I’ve played pin the tail on the ‘Donkey’ with nicknames my whole gaudamned life… It didn’t help that I went by Dennis ‘The Menace’ and had a best friend named Joey… and it didn’t help that I had a stepdad named ‘Charlie Brown’ who named his kids by the Peanut characters… Chuck, Linus, & Lucy!!! That my friends, is a noooo shitter!!!

When I joined the Navy we had names like 'Shitty Smitty’, ‘Radarboy’, ‘Coondog’, ‘Ron-Ron’, ‘Girlie Man’, ‘Wingnut’… and one of my many ‘Swing Batta-Batta’ or ‘Swingalingadingdong!! Hell, I was even referred to as ‘Teetertotter Swing’ by one fella… still not sure what that was about, but it was all in fun. Kind of a way to show love for your shipmates!!!

We used to call the Boatswains ‘Deck Apes’, Hull Technicians ‘Turd Chasers’, Corpsman'Penis Machinist', Signalman'Skivvy Waver' & so on & so forth....

Back in those days if you got ‘Butt Hurt’ over your nickname your Chief or First Class might’a had to show you a little tough love in learn’n ya some thick skin!!! The Navy was no place for Pansy Asses and Homophobes!!!

We didn’t need to call the shitbirds any names other than the one their momma gave ‘em… We dealt with the worthless bastards in a different way!!!

Besides we gave each other plenty of horseshit just for fun as it was…  Don’t ever let one of your shipmates get a hold of one of them girlie love letters from the gal back home telling you they were your true blue, loved you more than anything and would wait ‘til the end of time for you to come home… so he can mock her in that girlie voice and how she used to love you but is now letting some other home Joe feel her up in the back seat of the car at a ‘Mugs & Movies’ kind’a joint!!!

That’s how life was… we spent our monotonous time standing long watches underway deprived of sleep while giving each other a load of shit… That’s why I carried my high school class ring all those years… show Chief when he called me an idiot with a third grade education!!! Of course he told me I must’a got the ‘Sumbitch’ out of a gaudamned ‘Crackerjack Box’!!!

But somewhere along the line the ol’ Canoe Club gave up its sacred traditions and shit canned something we all held close to our hearts. Nicknames and Banter are all a thing of the past… hell, just read my story ‘Stink’n Snipes’ and you’ll see a bunch a butt hurt whiners cry’n because I called somebody a ‘worthless son-of-a-bitch!! The fella in question probably would’a laughed!!! Nowadays you gotta spend three weeks in sensitivity training just to get by…

Try calling a Corpsman a ‘Pecker Checker’ or a ‘Dicksmith’ in front of the Master Chief nowadays and you’ll probably be gett’n a one way ticket to see the ol’ man!!! Never could’a figured… for an outfit that has a gaudamned nickname for every part of the ship… wall(bulkhead), door(hatch), floor(deck) etc, etc… it’s kind of ironic they make such a fuss about nicknames!!! You get corrected these days just for using a last name without a rank or rate attached to it… can’t call’m Bubbles anymore… but ‘Seaman Bubbles’ would be the correct lexicon in this politically correct pandemonium we have today!!!

Ain’t that some shit… Seaman Bubbles!!!