Monday, October 3, 2011

‘Remember Black Tarred Navy Coffee’



Coffee… in its various forms has been the bastion of late night midwatches in the Navy for years!!

Latte, Cappuccino, Frappaccino, Mocha, Americano, with a dash of nutmeg or hazelnut!!! Don’t rightfully know where or when these fu-fu juiced caffeine hangover drinks came into play but I can remember a day before Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, or the Natte Latte… back when it was laced with hydraulic oil and JP5 for a little extra flavor!!!

Hell, we didn’t have the French Vanilla & the Amaretto Sweet stuff in the beginning… it was all straight ‘BLACK’!!!

Remember Black Tarred Navy Coffee??? That stuff must have been percolated from a dead witches ass...

Remember being asked how long you were in the ‘Navy’ and your response was supposed to be,
“All me bloom’n life!!!! – When I spits, I spits Tarrrrrrr!!!!”

It must’a been the gauddamned coffee they were talk’n about…

‘Straight Black’… full throttled, caffeine laden kind’a shit that arc welded your gauddamned eyelids to your eyebrows!!!

  But one thing about that Navy Coffee… the first rule in the coffee mess was, don't clean the gauddamned coffee pot or any of the tar ridden cups! This was like committing the deadliest sin… might find yourself keelhauled or fed to the sharks for such a crime!!!

I remember once as a young ‘Crackerjack’ Boot, we had a mess down in gun plot on the good ol’ Baglady!!! I had noticed all the cups cumshawed from the messdecks were saturated with this nasty ass brown film… Sooo try’n to be a good shipmate I commenced to scrubb’n away with a green weenie and some steel wool.

OOOOOOHHHHH!! WTF… in not so settle terms came from every gauddamned direction like I’d just shot the Pope!!! 

“Listen you Fucking jackass… who the Fuck told you to wash the coffee cups?!?!

Numbnutts… Shit-fer-Brains… Jackass Boot… and about a half a dozen other names came flying my way at that point… made me feel about an inch tall!!!

You see, when you’re standing watch six on six off for weeks at a time… coffee becomes the life blood of what keeps most everyone of us shipmates going!!! So don’t F#@k with the cups… or the coffee pot for that matter… unless of course your using a dash of ol’ coffee grinds to put in your shipmates Coppenhagen!!! He-he… that’s right Neil… I think Marcus and I played that joke on you a couple of times!!!

You see… in the Navy, a good Cup-a-Joe has the thickness of a good can of 30W oil!!! Usually kinda smells like it too!!! If you wanted it sweet you might add a pound of sugar or some of that U.H.T. milk they used to give us… but adding whip on top with chocolate speckles was pretty guaddamned much unheard of!!!

The ol’ saying goes that Navy Ships run on fuel oil while the ship’s crew run on ‘Good ol’ Navy Coffee’!!!  Might not taste so good going down but it’ll keep ya going for weeks on end…

19 comments:

  1. They tried to wash out my coffee cup at work...I told them I don't mind going to jail and they haven't asked since. Oh, It's in the shape of a toilet bowl so the blackening around the bowl is the special added touch!

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  2. I washed a cup...once...I still have horrific flashbacks of what happened after....Don't ever ever touch the cups!!!

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  3. The Dept head put out a bounty on my Sea-daddy's cup on the chuckie V. It was one of the big plastic steins from Deja Vu, all decked out in parachut cord I think... Anyhow I was dumbshit ET3 and I was running my mouth and DS2 (my Seadaddy) laid the smack down on me. Of course it escalated and I threatened to let the Dept Head have his coffee cup. He dared me to do it and and of course like a jackass I did. He dared me... challenge accepted. Even the Dept head was like WTF? You ain't too bright are ya? WOW. All I can say is wow. I had no idea Wog Day was coming... That was the primary charge leveled against me and I paid. Gawd yes, I paid.

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  4. At least Americano or a Hammerhead CAN be like Navy coffee (except it is $2.00 per cup). Remember that an Americano is a couple shots of expresso chased by water (definitely not foo-foo flavored coffee); you get an extra shot - but $3.00 for a cup of java is a bit steep (Mickey D's sells senior coffee for 75 cents). A Hammerhead is a cup of black coffee with an extra shot but $2.50 is still a bit pricey.

    The closest thing to Navy coffee in the silly-villain world is the restaurant stuff you get in the dives with the $5.00 breakfast (2 eggs, 2 sausages, 2 pieces of toast) and the morning Chicago Sun Times. They even come in Messdecks coffee cups. LOL!

    But yeah..... I still have my Mighty Mac (McClusky) cup and the scuzz is still inside the cup. I educate my coworkers that one never cleans the inside of a Chief's coffee cup.

    The best coffee of it all is the infamous CIC coffee. One has heard about putting a spoon in the cup, turning it over and it doesn't fall out.

    Merchant Mariners got some pretty nasty stuff too. The stuff in the officer's mess requires a jackhammer to remove the spoon. Here to tell you, hope to shout and that's true.

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  5. I asked an BMC one time why he never washed his cup...his reply.....IF we ever run out of coffee I just have to add hot water!!!!!

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  6. We used to bring good coffee with us when we were at sea. French Roast. Used to mix it with the regular during midwatch in Main Control. One time the EOW took a cup, let it cool then took a swig. Sprayed it over the main board! It wasn't because it was good, it was because it WAS good and he wasn't expecting it. Told us to warn him from now on!!! Funny shit!

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  7. I remember a certain MM who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty, used to get the mess decks coffee in a 30 oz stein, and add 5 tea bags so it was strong.

    Then, when I used to run EA04, cargo, on the rowing joke, AOR-7, the pecker checker used to swear if we ever washed out pot, he would pull our coffee chit.

    I also remember when I wanted to throw a mess crank over the side. I was manning the rails near the O mess, and this crank offered coffee. I quickly gave him my cup and he ran and got me a cup. I was enjoying it, but thought it tasted a little funny. I was thinking it was just weak, it was O coffers, then I saw he scrubbed my mug clean. I actually think I cried.

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  8. I may or may not have been a part of setting up a few boots by having them scrub out a coffee cup or 2. I also may or may not have been a witness to other underway shenanigans with people's cups who became a target for 1 reason or another.

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  9. Yep! my V-1 crash and salvage chief, chief young was like if you wash the cup or the coffee pot, you lose the flavor, do not ever! wash the cup or the pot! LOL

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  10. Oh yeah. The coffee on the messdecks of both the Vinson and California wasn't replaced until the urn was empty, so it was made early in the morning and sat around all day long. MS A school used to say that coffee had to held for service for no more than an hour, then it had to be ditched? Yeah right! You try telling an undermanned cook watch that was scrambling to get lunch and dinner out on time to stop what they were doing and get someone to go out and drain the urn and make fresh coffee every hour. You won't have that conversation very often. And yeah, we made that coffee extra strong, and it sat around all day? That stuff was made for those cats who went out on liberty, came back on board at 0200, trashed to the hilt and had to report to work at 0430, and needed a quick hit to jumpstart the ol' system. Of course back then, the MS's had the monopoly on the coffee, so all the coffee messes on board had to come to us for their weekly supply. It was astounding what a few extra pounds of coffee could be traded for. I used to work in the galley and walk around the ship with a big ol' beer stein of Navy joe grafted to my hand, and I went thru two or three of them every couple hours. That's the reason I can't sleep worth a crap today.

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  11. Engineroom brew... Sitting on the burner, cooking down into sludge... Flavored by 2190TEP oil and amine.

    Put a spoon into that mess and you'll get the handle back alright - and ONLY the handle. The rest will be corroded away and gone.

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  12. Crankin in the "Goat Locker" I did wash the mugs and I did get a debriefin on that. Never again have I washed a mug. To this day I still drink my coffee "Hot-black-& nasty"!! Oh yeah, I even yelled at the wife about washing out my cup!

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  13. Yup. I remember me and my buddy on the Rathburne messing with MMCS's coffee cup, and HAD to clean the soot out of it. He was PISSED and we were on his shit list for over a week. I was a throttleman, my buddy was the MMOW,and Senior was the EOOW and he made it clear that he didnt want us near his coffee cup. EVER.

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  14. While mess crankln' in the Chief's Mess, I decided it would be a good idea to clean up all those nasty coffee cups. You shoulda heard the screaming. Lucky they didn't send me back to the galley.

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  15. I put some Luzianne Chicory in with the grounds once. Turned the coffee darker than midnight at the north pole. Tasted good too. We all had a good laugh.

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  16. Speaking of the Chuckie V ... rumor has it that they now have Starbucks onboard. Blasphemy!

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  17. I remember navy coffee that's why I buy Navy Joe coffee from a business that is owned by a retired chief. Navyjoe.coffee is the website and it's the best coffee ever

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    1. Yep, he let's me advertise for him on this page!

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  18. After 20 years n the pit (BT1SWret) I ended my career at a shore station as an instructor. The bulk of the command were female without sea time, they we instructed not to touch my trusty cup. One day they decided that my cup needed cleaned bleach and comet and a few green wiene were used. That duty section ended up with instruction on the proper handling of a snipes cup. That was one dressing down they never forgot.

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