Friday, April 1, 2016

‘What's The Question’

Ever find yourself standing there at the end of CO’s call and the last question asked after a long winded speech is…

“Does anyone have any questions… please… anything… let’s air it out now!”

… And after all those years of hearing ‘no question is a stupid question, only stupid people…’ the most asinine question that any shipmate could ever concoct just cost the crew another thirty minutes of ankle swelling, knee crackl’n… shin splints! This used to piss me the fuck off!! There are of course those obligatory questions that have to be asked... but you always got that one son-of-a-bitch who asks the question that digs twenty-five to thirty minutes in to your liberty time!!!

And it usually starts off with some ‘Big Cheese’ visit from some top heavy Brass with more stars than the midnight sky! Now if that doesn’t piss the Skipper off… how many times have we been told to keep it within the lifelines?!? Then some nay say’n whiner, like a stool pigeon sets up the ol’ man for an ass chewing… realizing he just embarrassed the Skipper who should have addressed that question long ago!! The Ol’ man ain’t gonna be happy about that!!!

I suppose somewhere, someone thought this a good time to start a CO/CMC Suggestion Box… to head those questions off at the pass! It’s just a different repository that allows that idiot shit for brains shipmate to put his dumb questions and ideas on paper so he can bitch until his heart’s content!! The problem is he never has the balls to sign his gauddamned name!!!

“So I girded my loins and wrote the Skipper a letter…”

But you didn’t sign it you yellow bellied bastard! If you were given the task of either finding a pair of bra and panties to wear at the next ‘Wog Queen’ contest or find the man who wrote that suggestion… you’d be best just wear the bra and panties!! Yep, every moaner, groaner, whiner and complainer comes out of the woodwork… anonymously of course!!!

Not that they really give two shits what you think anyway! I spent a few years as a Chief with a Command Master Chief who had a suggestion box and swore he never got suggestions… except that time in the yards the box got removed and put on top the Coke Machine!! Months later the box was moved back to the bulkhead and a single suggestion was found inside…

“Lower the Box!”

That was probably the best real suggestion yet… but I regress!!!

The best one I’d heard… a slide of hand signing a shipmate’s name that everyone could live without! Now most shipmates are pretty tight and stick together, but you always have that idiot that makes everybody cringe and you just want to punch the bastard in the snot locker!! A particular shipmate had a brilliant idea he seized upon and made for a pretty big raucous onboard as his letter went something like this…

Dear Sir,

“This place really sucks as morale is low and I work with a large group of morons who couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if you gave them two guesses! It sucks to work with a Chief who loses your PQS and Request Chits, and I’m always assigned bullshit ‘busy work’ so everyone else can skate off... They’re all about as useful as an iron on tattoo! Besides, I’m smarter than they are! If shit was wit, they’d all be constipated! Hell, I’m probably the smartest person on this ship!! This whole Navy sucks… A Big One!”

Very Respectfully,
D. Driver, FC3
Fox Division

The Chief of said Division got a Xerox copy of the suggestion in his inbox that read…


What the hell is this all about? Get your ass to the CMC’s office ASAP!”

‘Command Master Chief’

The reason FC3 Driver’s name was apparently chosen… he was the Divisional Idiot, and the one most likely to do something so gauddamned ridiculous! I don’t have to tell you that Chief was not amused when he found who did it…

“Petty Officer ‘Shit for Brains’… Let me educate you on a few things… This here Navy is not a fucking amusement park for your sea going shenanigans! When you get that through your thick fucking skull you might make a fine Petty Officer one day!”

I about shit myself!  Luckily the matter was dropped and everything went as though nothing happened!! That was the thing about ol’ Chief… he could take a lot of the smartass fun out of life!! But he was the reason idiots knuckleheads became decent sailors as we tried to tap dance our way around rules & regulations pulling a leg here and there!!  It’s funny that once you’ve conquered that hill called life, your mind comes across a deluge of hair trigger memories!!!

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