Thursday, June 2, 2016

‘No-Sh!#ers and Late Night Cat Fights’

I have memories of an obnoxious youngster at the lowest end of the naval totem pole who endorsed a whole lot of bullshit and tap danced on a whole lot of coroframs! They are memories you never recognize the significance of until years later!! This one involves my lovely wife and my sister-in-law…!!!

An ol’ Salt will turn unimportant instances into epic tales recounting the saga with a measure of the most amazing bullshit ever contrived by man…

"Pardon me boys and girls, have any of you lousy shits heard the one about the blind nympho circle jerking a three ring circus of retarded clowns?"

We’re story tellers… that’s what we do! But I never would have figured my wife to be a mighty bullshit artist!!  She can play the ditzy blonde to the tee… by the time you’d realized you’d been fooled she’s two steps ahead of you!!!

Around the winter of 94’-95, we had the ship’s command Christmas Party at the Bangor Ballroom up the road from Penis Anus (PSNS)! That’s where my wife and I introduced her friend Tonya to one of the fellas I used to pull liberty with, Mike Law!! It was lust at first sight… after all, if a sailor didn't like you then he’d just ignored you!!!

We made plans to go on a fancy double date on the following Friday night between the four of us!  We get to the restaurant of choice and soon after being seated I made arrangements to the little boy’s room!! This is when the shit gets really good!!!

Apparently my wife was throwing the coals into the fire of grandiloquence!  She was laying it on real thick like!! I finish my business in the powder room and head back to our table…

“Dennis, you never told me your wife was a Golf Pro?”

“What the fu…?!?”

“Dude… that’s freaking awesome!”

“Mike, I don’t know what she’s been feeding you, but my wife wouldn’t know the difference between a nine iron and a pitching wedge if they both hit her in the ass!”

So there she was, my wife, holding her own while trading lies with the best of fellow dungaree wearing sea bastards! She took off her ditzy blonde act and did a neat magic trick where she made up more bullshit than any ‘no shitter’ Crackerjack I’d ever known since!! Talk about pulling a rabbit out of a hat!!!

It was a hell of a way to break the ice and make no bones about it, it made everyone feel right at home! We spent a good couple of hours enjoying each other’s company!! I’ve gotta say that she was brilliant… genius… What ingenuity… How clever she was!!!

After the girls doused themselves with ten gallons of fruity drinks, you can bet your thirteen button blues the panties were coming off!  The double date was a hit success and Mike surely got what he was looking for!! And now I’ve got four kids… you know where that’s heading!!!

Fast Forward to the next day, and here is my sister-in-law, Rhonda! Nowadays Rhonda is living a near deaf experience… and seems to figure since she can’t hear herself, nobody else can, either!! Actually, when she talks in her normal voice, people in Angola, Africa can hear her!! She’s also so absent-minded that she’s lucky to remember this yarn I’m about to thread!!!

Mike invited Tonya out for a party the next night! But he forgets to mention the other gals showing up… gals that he’s swapped spit with and parleyed at leg wrestling with in past reference and might make things a bit complicated!! It wasn’t long before Tonya invited Rhonda and off they went to the infamous ‘House’ of yore for some brewed products and sinful activity!!!

Of course I’m referring to a known conduit through which the riff raff of the seven seas passed through at one time or another from another story…  Apparently it turned out to be a long, hot night! There was plenty speculation on what a weekend of sexual promiscuity with a variety of wild rabid women in heat would be like… at least that was the expectation!! But no one had any idea what was about to go down!!!  

The morning after, Rhonda came over raving on about some gal named Brandy and the cussing, tit punching and hair pulling that took hold the night before! Cuss like a sailor?!? Yeah, she laid out more explicatives than a drunken sailor waking up annoyed to a Sunday choir!!!

When I got back to the ship that Monday…

“The clowns who watched the Saturday night fights better tell me what the hell was going down at the House over the weekend!”

… Brewster…

“I don’t know what happened… I had to piss like a gauddamned racehorse in the head… The whole time!”

Walther …

“Oh man, you missed it… the cat fight of the century!”

Doris …

“The view was awesome... when Rhonda bent over her blouse fell open...You could see the  contents of her bra and everything…!”

Apparently there was a lot of tit tugg’n and hair pulling action… and I missed it all! Hell they could’ve had a mud wrestling competition and made lots of mulla!! Tight thong bikini bottoms…

“I see England, I see France… I see some ones underpants!”

… it evokes visions of coming attractions and the feature presentation at hand!!!

"Don't count the little one out… she's a savvy little bitch!”

“Watch out for her right hook!”

“She likes to kick you in the crotch… trust me, I know!”

Shipmates were placing bets and taking sides, so I was told… while the rest of the idiots outside were trying to get in to see what the commotion was all about! And apparently it was one hell of a commotion…

“It took everything we had to keep them from ripping each other apart!”

Hell, I wasn’t mad! I’m sure it was a fabulous shit show and anyone who failed to recognize the sheer beauty of it has a faulty eyeball-to-brain interconnect!! Three women ripping each other’s clothes off in a cat fight for the ages?!?

Only wish I was there…!  I’d like to say we’re vindicated for pulling such nonsense off way back when!! It was a different time!!!

I don’t know what an old Salty Son-of-a-Bitch would do in today’s Canoe Club!  We’d have to undergo six months of sensitivity training and electric shock therapy to survive this Three Ring Circus Cabaret! Ever seen the flick… ‘Clockwork Orange?!?’  Yeah, that’s about what I’m thinking too!!!

We were young, fearless and stupid as hell! Alcohol, combined with natural hormones and inherent stupidity made us do it… I swear by it!! And we are all fortunate to have been a part of it all and lived to tell about it!!!


  1. Thats funny as hell! I have been in a few of those cat fights too and i never even thought about what it may have looked like to the guys lol but at that point dont think i would have cared either.

  2. Thats funny as hell! I have been in a few of those cat fights too and i never even thought about what it may have looked like to the guys lol but at that point dont think i would have cared either.