This story is from an RM2 Alex Constance from many moons ago! I added a little extra prose but it’s his yarn… just with a little extra threading!!!
These gauddamned Sailors today have no idea how great it was! The times we had and the ‘no-shitters’ we lived through!! Hell, all we knew how to do was have fun!!!
No this shit here is enlisted humor, not to be confused with officer's humor! We acted like idiots, but we probably were idiots, so it didn't bother us… much!! Trouble always found us!! It was inevitable, like love handles or gravitation… It just happened!!!
Now this is a little known fact that Navy Crackerjack Sailors in those days were the kind of people your mother wouldn't want you to play with because they toyed with guns, knives, booze and hookers… and not necessarily in that order!! We were a wily bunch!!!
Now Flyboys on the other hand… or Aviators as they like to be called… they are a different breed! They love their planes almost as much as they love themselves, with women a distant third!! They like to show off and we like to piss them off!!!
It was somewhere around the 1979 or 80’ Med run, and we were on plane guard for The Big USS America! It was getting pretty boring, when all of a sudden out of the blue, we got buzzed by a couple of F-14s… and I mean buzzed!! They ran down both sides of the ship, buzzing the bridge wings, and generally pissing off the Skipper!!!
They made a pass around, and one made another run at the bridge pulling vertical cracking the sound barrier! Ol’ Charlie Oscar wasn’t having any of that… can you imagine ‘Top Gun’ when the Air Boss spews his coffee everywhere?!? Yeah, he was really pissed and confused!!!
The last pass was over the flight deck, at slow speed, with an after burner kick in resulting in a sonic boom! The Skipper was having fits trying to find out what was going on, and leaned on the Air Det OIC!! He had no idea why the go fast boys would act in such a way!!!
Only after much digging did the Skipper find out that the Airedales had sewn sheets together scrawled all over the whole gauddamned flight deck with the adage…
"If you can't hover, you're queer."
They had stretched it clean over the whole deck at the appropriate time when the go fast boys could see! The cherry on top was a punctuated insult of mooning the target pilot as he passed on by… all twenty five, or so, of them at once!! Charlie Oscar was not happy as he was getting mad and you could hear him grinding his teeth and muttering under his breath!!!
Well, you know the direction that shit flows! He was like a one-armed-pimp in a bitch-slapping contest!! It was just the cost of doing business I reckon... nobody got hung from the yardarm but we didn't do much plane guard after that!!!
Chaos, panic, and disorder... our work was done! In the end, the absurd silliness and our crude pleasures outweighed all the bullshit!! When the big Navy Brass opted for a more serious, professional, totally squared-away, ‘Leave It To Beaver’ kind of horseshit over a carefree family of hormone-active shipmates who not only did their jobs but took time to light each other’s asses on fire a time or two, this here Canoe Club had lost out!!!
I laughed so hard my gauddamned sides hurt for hours when I read that! I’d have given a year’s pay to had been a part of that one!! Silly Crackerjack bullshit… wasn’t life Grand!?!