Saturday, April 30, 2016

'Chosen Beer Of The PI'

Top 10 Reasons San Magoo is the preferred beer of all true Expats in the PI

10.    By mid-drunk, your other choices are Red Horse, Mojo, and Bull Frog!
  9.   It’s the best bottled beer on the islands!
  8.   Deposit on bottles made the 3 environmentalists on Luzon happy!
  7.   High alcohol content - could be used start beach-party bonfires!
  6.    It only cost $4 American per case - cheaper than Coca Cola!
  5.   When freeze dried & rolled as a cigarette, is only legal drug on the island!
  4.   Stubby bottle design prevents serious injury when used improperly!
  3.   Brings back happy memories of better days (and nights) in Olongapo!
  2.   There's something magical about watching women drink bottled beer!
  1.    Is listed by FDA as "suitable substitute" for Viagra!

Yeah, yeah, I know times have changed and Olongapo isn’t what it used to be! But there is still only one truely tropical nautical beer - the one that John Wayne, Ward Bond and the rest of that P.T. Boat crew drank in that little bar on Zamboanga in the 1943 movie ‘They Were Expendable.’  Except for the kid that had to drink milk because he wasn't 21 yet.

What else is there to know about the beer that makes every man a tiger, and every woman beautiful?


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

'Hunky Dory'



The expression Hunky Dory, is believed by many, to root from way back when Crackerjack Sailors first spent time on liberty in Japan during the 1800s! The Honcho Dori was the place to be in Yokohama and it was renowned for its booze & brothels!! It’s believed the Crackerjacks of yore combined the word Hunky, meaning fit and healthy, with the street name to come up with the new phrase referring to the good times they had at the Dens of Sin in Japan!!!

Friday, April 22, 2016

‘Best things in life’




When I was on the ‘Chucky V’ I knew an aviator who once said…

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time!

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

'Riggin Bill #3'

Just the semi-articulate account of a long ago Crackerjack and his troubles & tributes to the women and the lost ways of life in those days!!!

Dear Violet:

Having ‘tea’ at your home last week was lots of fun!  In fact, when you produced the Vodka, it became ‘tee-hee’ because we certainly did a lot of laughing!!  However, I don’t think your father, Captain Raye, will laugh when he sees his Victory Garden, back of your house!!!

Unfortunately the cork on the half pint bottle of Vodka you gave me to bring back to my quarters was loose! It seems the bottle opened and most of the Vodka poured in the bag of combination watermelon-coconut seeds!! From what I’ve seen, we’re going to have a Victory Garden with a Russian accent, as the Vodka did something uncanny to the seeds!!!

Yesterday I went over to weed the ground and saw something which astonished me!  The garden has flowered into plants which have fang-like twigs!! Every time the wind blows the twigs snap at the weeds and while I watched I saw the nicest garden weeding job in the world!!!

The plants not only ate up the weeds but seemed to smack their lips after doing it! A pretty hard wind was blowing from the river and the plants seemed to snap at me a couple of times!! Of course, I wasn’t exactly frightened as they’re pretty small, but if they get any bigger we may have trouble on our hands!!!

Frankly I’ve never seen anything like it so I called up the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and explained what was going on!  I spoke to the chief geneticist (that’s a seed expert, not a swear word I promise) and he had never heard of it before!! I told him about what happened to the seed mix-up and the Vodka!! He snarled back something about how I must be sewing my wilde oats and hung up!!!

The guy thought I was drunk!  Believe me, this is worrisome!!! I hope your Skipper Dad doesn’t hang me from the yardarms!!!


Your Little Snap-Dragon,

Riggin Bill


Monday, April 11, 2016

'Confusion In Uniform'



My cousin married a former Navy man who now works for United Parcel Service! They bought their four year old son two stuffed bears… one in a UPS uniform and the other in a Crackerjack uniform!! When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full dress…

"See, Connor… That's Daddy!"


Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice…

"You used to be a bear?"

Sunday, April 10, 2016

'Bell Bottom Trousers'




Once there was a waitress in the Prince George Hotel
Her mistress was a lady and her master was a swell
They knew she was a simple girls, and lately from the farm
And so they watched her carefully to keep her from all harm.

 Chorus:  Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

 The Forty Second Fusiliers come marchin' in to town
And with them come a compliment of rapists of renown
They converted every virgin that came within their spell
But they never made the waitress from the Prince George Hotel.

Chorus:Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

 Next come a company of the Prince of Wales Hussars
The piled into the whorehouse and they packed along the bars
Manys a maid and mistress and a wife before them fell
But they never made the waitress from the Prince George Hotel.

Chorus:Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

 One day there came a sailor, an ordinary bloke
A-bulging at the trousers with a heart of solid oak
At sea without a woman for seven years or more
There wasn't any need to ask what he's a-lookin' for,

Chorus:Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

 He asked her for a candlestick to light his way to bed
He asked for a pillow to rest his weary head
And speaking very gently just as if he meant no harm
He asked her if she'd come to bed just so to keep him warm.

Chorus:Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

 She lifted up the blanket and moment there did lie
He was on her, he was in her, in the twinkling of an eye
He was out again and in again and ploughing up a storm
But the only word she said to him, I hope you're keepin' warm!

Chorus:Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

Early in the morning the sailor lad arose
Saying, Here's a two pound note, my dear, for the damage I have caused
If you have a daughter, bounce 'er on your knee;
If you have a son, send the bastard out to sea!

Chorus: Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

 Now she sits beside the dock, a baby on her knee
Waiting for the sailing ships a-comin' home from sea
Waiting for the jolly tars in navy uniforms
And all she wants to do, my boys, is keep the Navy warm!

Chorus: Singing a-bell bottom trousers, coats o' navy blue
Let'im climb the riggin' like 'is daddy used to do!

 


Wednesday, April 6, 2016

'Sick As The Sea And Heaving Is Me'




One day a young Boot had reported to his ship soon to get underway when he shortly found out just as the ship hit the breaker that he instantly suffered from chronic sea sickness!  Damned if he spent most of the first day underway in the head or hanging on the rail chumming for fish!!!

After being approached several times about the pussy patch and eating crackers, he said he preferred the fresh air… it helped some! He said crackers only helped a little but he drank lots of water to keep hydrated!! Boy was he ate up!!!

One afternoon while leaning over the side his Chief came out on deck yelling…

“Get your ass off the lifelines, they weren’t meant to be leaned on!”

While grasping tightly with a death grip he was sure the Chief only had his best interest at hand and rebutted…

"Chief, this ain't no lifeline, this here is a heaving line!"

... And with that he turned to let out another!!!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

'Captain Going Down'

 
 

“The Captain has gone down many times, but never with a ship!”


Saturday, April 2, 2016

Friday, April 1, 2016

‘What's The Question’

Ever find yourself standing there at the end of CO’s call and the last question asked after a long winded speech is…

“Does anyone have any questions… please… anything… let’s air it out now!”

… And after all those years of hearing ‘no question is a stupid question, only stupid people…’ the most asinine question that any shipmate could ever concoct just cost the crew another thirty minutes of ankle swelling, knee crackl’n… shin splints! This used to piss me the fuck off!! There are of course those obligatory questions that have to be asked... but you always got that one son-of-a-bitch who asks the question that digs twenty-five to thirty minutes in to your liberty time!!!

And it usually starts off with some ‘Big Cheese’ visit from some top heavy Brass with more stars than the midnight sky! Now if that doesn’t piss the Skipper off… how many times have we been told to keep it within the lifelines?!? Then some nay say’n whiner, like a stool pigeon sets up the ol’ man for an ass chewing… realizing he just embarrassed the Skipper who should have addressed that question long ago!! The Ol’ man ain’t gonna be happy about that!!!

I suppose somewhere, someone thought this a good time to start a CO/CMC Suggestion Box… to head those questions off at the pass! It’s just a different repository that allows that idiot shit for brains shipmate to put his dumb questions and ideas on paper so he can bitch until his heart’s content!! The problem is he never has the balls to sign his gauddamned name!!!

“So I girded my loins and wrote the Skipper a letter…”

But you didn’t sign it you yellow bellied bastard! If you were given the task of either finding a pair of bra and panties to wear at the next ‘Wog Queen’ contest or find the man who wrote that suggestion… you’d be best just wear the bra and panties!! Yep, every moaner, groaner, whiner and complainer comes out of the woodwork… anonymously of course!!!

Not that they really give two shits what you think anyway! I spent a few years as a Chief with a Command Master Chief who had a suggestion box and swore he never got suggestions… except that time in the yards the box got removed and put on top the Coke Machine!! Months later the box was moved back to the bulkhead and a single suggestion was found inside…

“Lower the Box!”

That was probably the best real suggestion yet… but I regress!!!

The best one I’d heard… a slide of hand signing a shipmate’s name that everyone could live without! Now most shipmates are pretty tight and stick together, but you always have that idiot that makes everybody cringe and you just want to punch the bastard in the snot locker!! A particular shipmate had a brilliant idea he seized upon and made for a pretty big raucous onboard as his letter went something like this…

Dear Sir,

“This place really sucks as morale is low and I work with a large group of morons who couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if you gave them two guesses! It sucks to work with a Chief who loses your PQS and Request Chits, and I’m always assigned bullshit ‘busy work’ so everyone else can skate off... They’re all about as useful as an iron on tattoo! Besides, I’m smarter than they are! If shit was wit, they’d all be constipated! Hell, I’m probably the smartest person on this ship!! This whole Navy sucks… A Big One!”

Very Respectfully,
D. Driver, FC3
Fox Division

The Chief of said Division got a Xerox copy of the suggestion in his inbox that read…

“Chief,

What the hell is this all about? Get your ass to the CMC’s office ASAP!”

Respectfully,
‘Command Master Chief’

The reason FC3 Driver’s name was apparently chosen… he was the Divisional Idiot, and the one most likely to do something so gauddamned ridiculous! I don’t have to tell you that Chief was not amused when he found who did it…

“Petty Officer ‘Shit for Brains’… Let me educate you on a few things… This here Navy is not a fucking amusement park for your sea going shenanigans! When you get that through your thick fucking skull you might make a fine Petty Officer one day!”

I about shit myself!  Luckily the matter was dropped and everything went as though nothing happened!! That was the thing about ol’ Chief… he could take a lot of the smartass fun out of life!! But he was the reason idiots knuckleheads became decent sailors as we tried to tap dance our way around rules & regulations pulling a leg here and there!!  It’s funny that once you’ve conquered that hill called life, your mind comes across a deluge of hair trigger memories!!!