'My First Welcome Aboard'

One of the most important memories in an ol’ goat’s rolodex memory banks is his first check-in onboard his first ship! In my case it was a Knox class frigate, the USS Bagley FF-1069 !! She was better known as the ‘Baglady’…!!!

There probably aren’t many situations as awkward and terrifying as being a new boot on an old warship! Especially when your history in this here Canoe Club hadn’t been exactly stellar!! I’d been in trouble a few times in Great Mistakes to the point a psychiatrist recommended me for discharge due to non-conformance issues!! But I had somehow got lucky and struck a deal with my Commander who gave me a second chance at redemption!!!

FC3 Niehoff was assigned to lead me around by the nose … a task he wasn’t exactly head over heels excited about! We went to disbursing, medical and a few other places before Niehoff dropped me off at the Weapons Officer’s stateroom door!!

“Knock and state your business. He’ll invite you in when he’s ready!”

So Niehoff left and that’s what I did! I knocked three times, he asked who’s there and I stated I was a new check-in!! He invited me in and I hand saluted,

“Firecontrol Third Class Daniel Swing, reporting as ordered Sir!”

“Dispense with the formalities Sailor and have a seat!”

The Weapons Officer’s name was Mr. Miller! He was rather tall and seemed a bit old for a Lieutenant!! Perhaps he was prior enlisted… I never bothered asking!!!

 He reached out for my right hand and gave me a brisk handshake! He had receding brown hair and seemed to sweat a lot!! I wasn’t sure why, if anyone should be nervous it was ‘this guy’ drowning in my own distress!!!

“Is this your first ship son?”

“Yes Sir, it is!”

Lt Miller opened the service record and placed it over his legs while incessantly playing with the thick rubber band that was wrapped around it to keep it all together!  He glanced through each page as if he was looking for something important to ask me!!  Then he stood up and paced his stateroom while inquiring…

“Did you flunk out of the Naval Academy?”

“NO! Why do you ask … Sir?”

“It says here that you were in the Naval Academy, yet I don’t see anything else about it.”

Strange, I didn’t want to contradict the son-of-a-bitch, but at that time in my life, I hadn’t a gauddamned clue what the Naval Academy was, where it was, or what they even did there! I just answered the questions and told him I had no idea what he was talking about!! To this day I must’ve scurried through that service jacket a hundred times in twenty-three years trying to figure out what the hell gave him such an idea … never found it!! Must’ve been something written in ‘Officer Code’…!!!

Then he reached the most unpleasant part of my service jacket! On the right side … Skippy’s Masts!!!

You see, I’d been to Skippy’s Mast twice already in my short stint as a United States Canoe Club Crackerjack! Not proud of it, but you live and learn!!

“It says here that you were recommended for an ‘OTH’ discharge during your Captain’s Mast! Why are you still here Sailor?”

“Well Sir, I made a deal with the Commander in Great Lakes and he gave me another chance … Sir!”

“Well, here you are! I’m giving you a fresh clean slate! I expect you to do good things and stay the hell out of trouble … Capiche?!?”

“Yes Sir!”

“Good, now go forth and prosper!”

… From there he signed my check-in sheet and sent me on my way from one of the most bizarre meetings I ever had with my new chain-of-command! To this day I never understood his misinterpretation of my service record!!  After all, it’s supposed to be the Navy’s demarcation of the man it represents!!!

I’m sure in today’s Great American Politically Correct nautical treehouse I would have been properly shown the door in my first couple of weeks at NTC Great Mistakes! But in those days, they put their foot up your ass and made a man of you!! Nowadays you’re expected to come aboard already equipped with maturity … something that took me Twenty-Three years on active duty to obtain .... and that's still debated upon!!! 

And so was the beginning of my complete old school trip on a Navy Frigate, the USS Baglady, full of unadulterated saltwater bullshit! And I loved every gauddamned minute of it!! I had some lessons learned and got my feelings hurt … a few times!! It made me a better man and a better sailor for it!!!