" Rat Guards "

 

Does anyone out there remember securing the mooring lines when pulling in? Some idiot on the lower end of the ship’s social structure would be fed a pile of manure about rats under the pier the size of a Maine Coon.

“They’re big nasty sons-a-bitches. They’ll take a bite out of you if they’re hungry enough.”

Or the best one yet …

"Which one of you little mother fuckers frapped the mooring lines without the rat guards?"

They’d try to have you shimmy down the line frapping two rat guards to keep those big sons-a-bitches from jumping over while they had a heaving line tied to your waste. What’s a rat guard you ask? They were those sheet metal cones we put over the lines after doubling them up that looked like Chinese coolie hats. If you were really good you could tie the lines like puppet strings and make them dance.

Hell, there was nothing to stop them there rats from crawling up the bottom of the brow.  Bored on the Quarterdeck midwatch it would have made good use of an issued .45 to take out those nasty desperados as they did the Cha-Cha up and down the pier.  You’d see a few a time or two … especially in overseas ports. It would’ve been one hell of a target practice if you didn’t have to account for all the root’n, toot’n, and shoot’n going on. I can see it now standing in front of the old man …

“But you shoulda seen it, sir! That rat was the size of a Rottweiler, with blood-red eyes and foaming at the mouth!”

“Well son, you must not be a very good shot because we didn’t find any dead King Kong-sized rats lying on the pier this morning.”

“Oh, I gave it my best shot skipper, but that son-of-a-bitch did a corkscrew turned into a full gainer into the water. I must’ve scared him off because I never saw him again.”

“Son, did your mother turn out a slew of idiots, or are you the only one?”

If you can imagine it, it’s probably happened.  I would love to be a fly on the wall at that skippy’s mast. I know these classic tales fall into the realm of relative bearing grease and the ol’ BT punch! But, we were dumb and naïve at times. Usually, the better of a Commissioned Officer or some old Salty Chief would put a stop to such nonsense just before it got too out of hand.  

But hey!  It was a long time ago. We were young dumb, and full of vigor! It was over thirty years ago. At the golden age of our youth, we were as green as they came. I'd go back and do it again in a heartbeat!