" Drunk & Disorderly "

 

A sailor wakes up one morning with the worst hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table. He looks around the room to find his uniform neatly folded on the dresser with clean skivvies on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note that says…

“Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.”

Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ, and freshly brewed coffee waiting for him, along with the morning paper, and his 15-year-old son who is finishing his own breakfast.

“Tell me, son,” he asks, “what happened last night?”’

“Well, you came home so drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when mom tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.”

“Christ!” says the sailor. “Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?”

“When mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your pants off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!’”