'Another Bird Of A Feather'

Okay, so after the “shitbird” story I’ve gotten a few requests from ol’ shipmates to write a little more in detail about “Henry the Big Nosed FC”! So here it goes……..

For those who didn’t read the original script I’ll briefly rehash this little yarn to get it started. In 94-95 onboard the USS Rainier it was pulling into its new homeport of Bremerton, Wa as a precommissioned ship. FC2 Henry was sitt'n down reading a book in the Director Room on the 05 level when he decided to go to the Circuit Breaker and turn off the gaudamn equipment as it was too dang loud for him to concentrate. As a new ship the breakers were labeled by compartment number and not by name. Meanwhile the ship was being tied up pierside when the Bridge lost control of the ship moving forward with a barge 50ft in front, smok'n lines and all. As the lines started smok'n all hell broke loose! Engineering diverted the disaster taking control in the Central Control Room. Not really knowing what the hell was going on I called the Director room looking for our FC1 when whoever answered the phone picked the gaudamn thing up but never answered. All I heard was the Captain’s voice in the back ground in a tirade screaming a dozen or so four letter words in vein! Later I found out that one of those circuit breakers Henry turned off was to the Bridge Control Unit. Poor Henry found out Two months later that he made First Class but was not allowed to put it on and the Captain said he would not be allowed to take the rating exam again until he, the Captain, left. And so it was. Henry finally made First Class shortly after the new Skipper came onboard.

Now, the story about Henry doesn’t stop there. No, he was the Divisional Shitbird hands down. Shortly after ship’s commissioning while on duty, Henry was standing watch on the pier. It was rather chilly out so Henry was nestled up all nice and warm inside the pier sentry shack. I believe it was late afternoon and the Skipper had already gone home for the evening. But little did Henry know that the son-of-a-bitch was living in the Officer’s Quarters up on the hill overlooking the base. While Henry was standing watch he decided to take a seat on the gaudamn countertop inside the shack. Well, the Skipper while keeping an eye on his prized ship took notice of this minor discrepancy. He then called the Quarterdeck and had Henry removed from the pier watch. Now, you can only imagine just how upset the Duty Section Leader as well as fellow watchstanders must have been when they realized someone else would have to stand the watch….pissed all to hell. That was usually the reaction anytime Henry’s name came up.

Then of course was the Master-At-Arms incident. On the Rainier, we had a Chief Master-At-Arms and a First Class MA as well. Well the Skipper wanted a force of five but we were only billeted for two. So to make up for this discrepancy, he ordered the Department Heads to devised a rotation affording three extra bodies incrementing in three month tours in the Master-At-Arms shack. When our Division came up on the rotation, who better to get rid of than FC2 Henry. Well, I assure you the Master-At-Arms shack was not too pleased with our selection but he was an able body and we had our own Division to worry about. Well, it didn’t take Henry long to get fired from this detail. Within a matter of two weeks his ass was back in the Division with his tail between his legs. Apparently during a random urinalysis he lost sight of a piss bottle while observing one of our shipmates. This made the urinalysis null and void. The guys piss popped positive for THC but we could not hold him accountable because we could not prove the bottle was his or that it was even tampered with. So thanks to Henry, this guy got off on a technicality. Unfortunately for me, I was the only other Second Class in our Division so I had to take over as his replacement.

Then there was the Nato Seasparrow Magazine Sprinkler Test. While performing maintenance on the Nato Sprinkler System, Henry forgot to hook the hose up to the test casting on the bottom of the sprinker valve. This is to run the 150 PSI firemain pressure over the side of the ship instead of through the sprinklers and into the magazine. But without a hose, well….you get the picture. There is nothing worse than de-flooding a magazine of salt water after an incident like this. Even after the clean up, salt residue ends up in every crack, crevice and corner you could imagine. Then corrosion sets in, and it gets ugly!

Henry once told me a story about when he was younger, his sister and him were always at each others throats. He said one time after school his sister was giving him shit so he brought her horse from the barn into the house. He said he did this to annoy her…I thought, WTF!!! Why would anyone do something so ridiculous? Then he said his Dad was in his bedroom taking a shower…while he was all sudsy with soap the horse had managed to walk back into his bedroom, into the bathroom and nudge his Dad in the ass while gett’n all soaped up….Now, I have a pretty vivid imagination and I don’t know how you see this picture, but I’d be screaming bloody murder if I’m bent over in the shower all sudsy with soap gett’n nudged in my ass by a half ton horse!!

I asked Henry once what the hell he was thinking, and me being the kind of guy I am, why he always seemed to have his head up his ass? His answer, your not going to believe this shit, “God will decide my fate, there is nothing anyone can do or say that God can’t fix for me.” Wow, I was momentarily taken back after that statement. Then I says to Henry, “God gave you an asshole to shit with right? So use the brain he gave you to think with and stop expecting him to figure it all out for you!” Henry never much liked me after that….but then again, I never really much liked him either….

I guess the problem with the gene pool in Henry’s case is there is no lifeguard…..It’s hard to believe that out of ten million sperm he came in first place!!