After a young ‘Crackerjack’ graduates from his/her intended ‘Canoe Club’ trade school, they will not automatically become a proficient member of Naval Society! OHHHHH No… No… Nooo!! While at the bottom of the evolutionary food chain their duties as an able bodied Seaman will be many and varied!! They will be called upon to operate and maintain many different kinds of complicated seagoing equipment!! These will be things such as the likes of Swabs… Cadillac’s… General Purpose Bottles as well as sponges, brooms, and green weenies!!!
Once this has been established, they will clean the same bulkhead… overhead… or horizontal surfaces as many times necessary until either the paint chafe’s off or their dick skinners start to bleed, whichever comes first! They must be a personal servant and be patient at having someone inspect them every day to make sure they’re clothed properly with spit shined shoes on the right feet at all times!!
Operating hand tools, gages and instruments effectively are an essential part of everyday life onboard ship… Because not only will they not be doing the job they were trained for over the next two years, but they’ll surely get stuck with as many additional duties, working parties, fire parties, and berthing cleaner assignments as humanly possible!!!
They’ll also find training to be an essential filler of time while spending 99.9% of their days at General Quarters, Abandon Ship, Mass Conflagrations, and umpteen million other drills to prepare for that .1% chance that they will ever use said skills again in an entire lifetime!!!
Whatever their title may be or wherever they’re stationed… they must know how to operate and maintain their equipment… even though they’ve spent most of their gauddamned dutiful time mess cranking, learning how to put out fires, maintain watertight integrity, performing basic 3M maintenance, and take an ass chewing from the Chief at a moment’s notice without ever setting foot in their parent workcenter!!!
If they find the need to use the ship’s computers… they will be expected to change their password every two or three days for OPSEC reasons… and don’t expect any help from the IT bunch! Those hired hands are down in the galley mess cranking, doing berthing cleaners or at some gauddamned working party on the pier!!!
If you find yourself to be an able bodied ‘Canoe Club’ Seaman then you must know that the Navy believes you have the many varied qualities necessary to take simple mundane tasks and break them down into nuclear physics terms while briefing the Skipper before carrying out evolutions less complicated than picking your nose or wiping your ass... then for some, ass wiping can be quite difficult!!!
Now don’t get me wrong… I spent Twenty-Three years of my gauddamned life in what I call the ‘Canoe Club’ and it has its ups and downs. You would’a got a quick kick in the nuts if you told me I was gonna last that long in the place they say to ‘Never Again Volunteer Yourself’!!!
But hey, I’m not complaining… as time past, I knew some where on the horizon I’d reach that day where I could kick off the ol’ boondockers and relax the uniform to a nice smoky bottle of scotch and enjoy some retirement pay!!!
Besides… it was a damned great excuse for killing a bunch’a brain cells back in my day!!! Too bad today’s shipmates don’t get to enjoy the excess in sociable libations we had years ago… No thanks to Alcohol Deglamarization and the whole Gauddamned PC’ pooh-haaa crap!!!
Sooo… for all you able bodied ‘Canoe Club’ Seamen out there who think the Chiefs Mess is a place for a bunch of ol’ farts to sit around and twittle there thumbs all day… remember this,
“We’ve been there & done that!!!”
Chief ain’t gonna make you do nothing he wouldn’t have done himself… and besides, who’s ass do you think the Skipper bites his teeth into when one of you sons-a-bitches gets a DUI or ends up caught doing some dumb shit act you should’a been more stealthy at producing?!?!
Sooooo now… let's go on full steam ahead and let the journey begin to a challenging and vital role of sweeping water with a broom for hours every time it rains and painting over rusty colored oxidation & grimy dirt prior to the Admiral’s visit for extra brownie points!! And I don’t wanna hear no gauddamned whining or complain’n!!!