Tuesday, March 21, 2017

'Here Was To One Hell Of A Ride'

Sea Stories... The ‘No-Shit Sherlock’ for Crackerjacks everywhere! An adventure outrageously funny and frightening, full of half-truths and outright lies, the next growing worse with each bullshit session!! No one forgets the life we lived... Get two Ol’ Salts together over a bottle of rum, talking about old times, and sooner or later the shit show turns to tales of peso shows and cute ‘LBFMs’ engaging a game of Cricket shooting darts out their vaginas!! As Charlie Sheen would say…

“Now that’s what I call ‘Winning!!!”

Now Sea Stories aren’t all full of shit! Many stories are mostly based on fact, but the better recollections of sea going adventures have only a nodding acquaintance with what really happened!! Hard Facts inhibit flexibility… They bore!!!

Minnie Pearl always said…

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!" 

But to Westpac Crackerjacks they are more than just tall tales! These stories are a way of life and Sailors have long been known for telling good stories!! A high percentage of us spent the best years of our lives shooting the shit on the mess decks, the fantail or around the buttkit!! This way of life shaped us to what we have become…  it's not just a smile and a memory!!!

For it wasn't I who streaked butt nekkit down Lombard Street lit up like a Roman Candle on whiskey and cheap beer! It wasn't I who got beat up by Shore Patrol for defending a young lady from a horde of pissed off shipmates!! It wasn't I who danced on the stripper pole in Bangkok's Nana Plaza with several Thai beauties ... No it wasn't me, I'm not the one you're looking for!!!

The stories we tell are forever bold in literature and film like ‘McHale’s Navy’, ‘Flight of The Intruder’, ‘Hunt For Red October’… so on and so forth! But unless you’ve lived it, you don’t really get it!! So here’s to all you Ol’ Salts sitt’n at a bar or VFW telling ‘No-Shitters’ like there ain’t no tomorrow!!!

It was one hell of a ride wasn’t it?!?


  1. Well no shit there I was aboard the Ranger and in port for my 2nd time in Thailand. I was considered the "old salt" of the group since this was my 2nd WestPac even though I was still 18. I happened to be among a few of us that drew the short straw and had duty the first night. Our division officer also had this shit luck and when he came by for the evening muster informed the group of deck apes that if he saw any of us out in town he would buy us a drink.

    The next morning a few people expressed interest in seeing some of the "shows" that the ladies in town were known to put on and if I being the upstanding squared away sailor I wasn't knew where to go. I gladly volunteered to take the lead and lead what I thought were going to be 5-6 of us into temptation. Turns out I was wrong it was between 20-30 squids that somehow got word of what we were up to. The liberty launch was filled with banter of the normal shit we all know and love.

    Ariving at shore I proceeded to go from fuzzy memory up the beach into town. Looking for the bar across the street from the Iron Butterfly. (yes after 30 years I still remember that name) On the way one shipmate or another would point and say that must be the place stop there. I bet them a beer every time they were wrong as we stopped in and had a drink.By the time we got to the place I was owed about 10 drinks and proceeded to drink as many of them as I could before those bastards left without paying me. Meanwhile as I sat on the stage fondling the honeys in walks the Div officer with a pair of scared looking officer types who seemed to wonder if they should be seen in a place like this. A drink or three later I have an idea. At the time I thought it was a great idea. I have everyone with me give me $2-3 and I take the cash and talk to "mammasan". Five min later a sweet looking honey saunters over to the table the officers are sitting at talks to the DO for a min or so then slides under the table and starts to see if she can imitate suck starting a Harley. The DO looks over at us gives us a thumbs up and puts his head back and enjoys live while the other two officers beat a hasty retreat knowing full well that this is going to test and break any moral limits they might have had.

    Out of the blue another of my shipmates dares me to bump uglies with the latest dancer on the stage. Now I being the type not to refuse a bet of some serious money like he offered (one dollar) proceeded to get on stage and behind her and check her tonsils from the wrong end. A good time is being had by all until I notice a friend with my camera taking pictures of all this as he giggled like a baboon. As I was balls deep and tried to steer the young lady at him to get my camera he kept moving along the stage.

    All this before 1200 on my 1st day of liberty.

    Gods I miss those days when we were all gods walking upon the earth, bullet proof and incapable of shame.

    1. When I was in a port I usually tried to stay with one female. It cut way down on the odds of not getting any unwanted visits to the doc once we left port (provided I was lucky enough not to get anything with the first one)
      One visit to Thailand was the exception.
      My first night on liberty I hooked up with a little darling at one of those little outdoor bars that were common at the time. Turns out she was from Cambodia and hadn't been at the job very long. She brought me back to where she was staying. It was a place that had two long rows of rooms with a cement slap running down the middle. We joined a small group of girls sitting around who were drinking and eating. The food put my mouth on fire and I put it out with a bottle of whisky they had handy. Everyone had a good laugh. We went back to her room and worked each other over for half the night. When I woke up there was no one in the room. A cute girl walked in and gave me a big kiss. She said my girlfriend was in the shower, but she could keep me occupied until she got back.
      My next liberty day I went ashore with my buddy and he brought me to another outdoor bar. His new friend was the mama san, and she took a shine to me. She said to take my pick of the girls, so I picked a cute blonde and brought her back to our room for an hour of fun and frolic. When I got back to the bar later that day the blonde wasn't around so she told me to pick another one. I picked a sweetie who kept licking her lips at me and brought her back to the room for another round of fun in the sheets. We spent the afternoon switching between the pool and our room.
      The next day I had duty. We had a bungalow where the off duty SP could sleep when they were off duty. I was the CPO in charge so I had my own room. Imagine my surprise when I got back to my room and there was a sweet looking honey waiting for me. My pal and his mama san honey had sent her over to keep me warm after I got off duty.
      The next day we went over to our favorite bar and Mama San says we're going to her place to have a party. Sure enough she had liquor and the girl from last night waiting for me. Turned out the girl was her neighbor & friend. Mama San evidently told her I had a big appetite, and she wanted to see for herself. I guess I satisfied her curiosity.