Ladies and Gentlemen, nobody enjoys off-color humor like an Old School Crackerjack Sailor! And in the days of yore… off-humor was the name of the game!! The idear was to fleece the fleet of all the weaklings, and you had to have thick skin, thick as Rhino Hide!!!
Now I know that it may be hard for some of you young’ns out there to believe, but there was a time when ‘Shock Value’ was the best course of humor to break up the monotony! Before the days of split tails and transgendered running amok… That in itself is a shock to us old farts!!!
Shipmates like today had to get their experience! They had to grow their sea-legs to handle a lot of shit!! That’s what your Sea Daddy was for!! He was there to teach you the lessons of swashbuckl’n that only his wisdom could provide!!!
I remember one of my first lessons on the ol’ Baglady! One of those edumacational circumstances you’ll never forget!! I’d even used it a time or two myself!! There I was in Gun Plot amongst the rest of the Firecontrol Boys and Canon Cockers wasting time just after Morning Quarters for some ‘GMT’ when my Sea Daddy sat me down for a new lesson in life…
“Let me show you how to wipe your ass with one sheet of shit paper!”
“I already know how to wipe my ass… I don’t need to be potty trained!”
“Oh shut your shit pouch and listen up!”
I didn’t know what to think! Why did I need training on wiping my own ass? He said it was about conserving shit paper on long deployments or something of the like!! I watched with intent as he removed a single square from the roll he had on the plotting desk!!
“First, fold it in half twice… like this!”
… he said …
“Then take the corner with the folds like so and tear off a small piece so you got a hole in the middle of the square and set that torn piece aside for later!”
Others now gathered round to see what the commotion was about!!!
“Now put your index finger through the hole and wrap the rest of the paper over your hand to keep it from getting shit all over it! Now you can wipe your ass with your finger and shake off the excess shit like this!”
He pretended to wipe his ass and pulled his finger up and shook it like a dirty booger!!!
“You’re almost done! Take your clean hand and slide it up under the shit paper and remove it with a twist and wiping up, cleaning your finger at the same time! Now toss that piece in the shitter!”
… This is where I knew I’d been had …
“Now remember that little torn piece I told you we’d save for later?”
“Well you take that piece and you clean the shit out the fingernail of the index finger!”
Without even crack’n a smirk, he demonstrated the whole process…
“Oh, and one last thing!”
“Make sure you eat and pick your nose with the other hand… and that’s GMT for today! Now get back to work!”
The whole gauddamned group was rolling at the look of disgust on my face!!!
Then there was the misguided deviance of a few shipmates on the Chucky ‘V.’ When living in a ‘Good ol’ Boys Club’ amongst reckless cretins you tend to pick up some bad habits… and when you continue trying to top one another it leads to some unorthodox behavioral patterns!! Like flipping a shipmate a simple bird just didn’t quite cut the mustard!! Somewhere between being the new guy to earning your salt, it went from giving the middle finger to showing your cock and balls!!!
I specifically remember hauling ass to one of the aft CIWS Mounts to give a guy a chow relief from watching over ship fitters while in the yards! He said some smart ass shit like shipmates often do and my obvious response as I pulled out my twig & berries…
“No but I’ve got some Tube Steak smothered in underwear for you… it’s what's for dinner!”
… To that he grabbed my junk whilst pulling me towards the door and asked me if I’d like to go on a tour around the ship!!!
It was unscrupulous antics such as these the seared such great memories into the back of our cerebrums! We didn’t have a ‘PC Wrecking Ball’ forcing us to dress in neutral gender clothing and pretend there ain’t no difference between an innie and an outie!! Looking back over the ensuing span of the past several years and sifting through my old memories… I’m sure glad I got to enjoy it while I did!!!