“Crank’n”

In the Navy, on top of the job you enlisted for, you're also expected to be a firefighter... janitor... and food service attendant among many other things. For the first couple of years you're in the indentured servant program. You’ll get paid but it’s pennies on the dollar and you’ll be left to do most of the shit work that no one else is gonna do. But that was to be expected when I joined back in 1987.

There I was on the USS Bagley FF 1069... a tin can as most frigates and destroyers are so affectionately referred too and barely large enough to fit the 280 sailors who called it home. When I got to the ship I was introduced to the job so warmly dubbed as 'crank’n.' Ahhh yes, mess crank’n... before the Politically Correct Circus took over and changed it to Food Service Attendant (FSA). Nearly every junior enlisted gets their hand in at least one three month tour working sixteen long hour days starting bright and early to the smell of cooking grease at 0530 wearing those prestigious serving hats! I should have considered myself lucky as I only had to do 72 days... Thanks to FC3 Morrison and his unsightly acne that kept his filthy ass from working around any food.

There were many jobs you could be assigned to while Crank’n... usually the first job was refilling the condiments on each table... taking out trash... refilling juice machines... and constantly wiping down tables. I hated that job as I was always called upon to be a damn gopher… gopher this, gopher that..etc!! But you didn’t want to work in the Deep Sink... guys would get 2nd degree burns from the water and serious cuts from all the gaudamned sharpies!!! Then there was the wardroom where some typical jackass officer would always leave his shit mess on the table and bitch about his food touching on his plate or some other stupid shit. Most of those assholes got a pube or two in there chow on a daily basis. But I think the most prized job of all was the Chief’s Mess as they always payed a handsome dowry for your worthiness, however I was never fortunate enough to be ordained with such esteem...

Nope, for me I was introduced to bang’n trays in 120˚ temps at 100% humidity!!! Yes, that was the good ol’ scullery... where Igor the Dragon would conveyor all the dirty dishes through a soap and rinse cycle to be rushed back out to the mess decks for another group of filthy 'Crackerjacks' to make them dirty again. But I gotta say I actually enjoyed this job more than the rest. I didn't have to deal with people, and so long as I kept up with the dirty trays and silverware, I didn't get any complaints. Well, there was the exception of the scullery tray window directly across from the Chief’s Mess door. Every time there was a dirty tray left on the lip of the window and the ship took a roll, the door would get a nasty muddle of food flying in its direction. Oh, I tried in vein to keep this from happening, even putting a sign over the window to please put trays over the lip. There was this EW1... 'yelled at him to put his tray inside the lip, so he chucks the damned tray at me! That got my ass in a tail spin... Noth'n worse than being in a losing situation, even if I could have kicked his ass, I would’ve been explaining to the Skipper why I struck a First Class Petty Officer. But I left it alone. Something I had to learn to do quite often growing up in the ranks.

I had the fortunate task of Crank’n while we were on deployment. Yes, it was Westpac 89-90, my first skip across the Pacific Pond. The nice thing about pulling in port for a few days was that I only had to work in the galley every other day. This left plenty of room for some liberty time. Specifically while we were in the P.I. or Philippines for all you land lubbers! The freak’n place was an adult Disney World, but I’ll leave that for another story!! I remember coming in at 0200-0300 in the morning filled to the hilt with San Migoo (San Miguel), Mojo, and Bullfrog just to catch a couple of winks before my drunk ass had to serve chow for the next work day! This was a common occurrence as a Fireman I once worked with was passed out under the dragon with the dry heaves well into the breakfast meal on a certain occasion. I was covering his ass while our Filipino MSCS, Senior Chief Angeles was out on the prowl looking for our drunk asses. I think he got a joy out of watching us suffer in his home port. He knew how us American boys were over there and this was his chance to make asses out of us.

“You pucking mudder puckers better get to work, Sheeet!” I pucking better not catch you pucking off!” I’ll pucking hab your asses!”

Yes this was the typical ranting of Senior Chief Angeles at least two or three times a day. I don’t think I ever saw this guy smile. During the day we use to have the local stevedores come aboard with all of our dry goods and produce. These guys would form a line all the way from the brow to the refer decks passing the goods down below. Senior would always give them handouts along the way. I remember our Mess Deck Master at Arms, FC1 Hodges would get soooooo pissed about this and he’d chase them out of the mess decks. One day Senior Angeles confronted FC1 about terrorizing his stevedores’!

“Why you pucking gib deez guys hard time? You leave them alone. They work for me!”

This pissed FC1 off as he replied,

“I don’t need you as Ali Babba and the Forty Thievedores trampling through the mess decks and stealing all our food!”

Oh man! I laughed my ass off for days! That was one of the best comeback moments I’d ever witnessed. The funny thing was, it put Senior in his place. He never came at FC1 like that again the rest of his tour!!

And they say the Filipino Mafia doesn’t exist! LOL!!!