Goof Troop

Okay, so you're not gonna believe this SHIT!! Those onboard the MOMSEN at the time of said incidents know exactly who this story's about... as if it wasn’t obvious. However, I’ll withhold the name of the perpetrator in order to protect his sanity and the innocence of those involved. This comes with a few caricatures of this cat as each event unfolded.

First I must explain that I truly believe anyone who takes on the responsibility as a Chief Petty Officer in this 'Great Navy' will be charged to deal with certain individuals that have no gaudamned sense of awareness... This was my charge... In fact, said person had no gaudamn sense at all... I mean really, calling him stupid would have been an insult to stupid people!!! I don't even have a CLUE.. as to what he was doing in this Canoe Club let alone in the Tomahawk World. This guy was the bane of my existence from the time he set foot onboard... He was forever adorned with the name Goof Troop!

Let me start by say'n I really mean with deep sincerity when I say this guy was the bane of my existence from the time he set a foot onboard... and this ain't a no shitter!! I was called from the Chief's Mess down to Weapons Berthing by one of my first classes just after flight quarters. At first I thought there was some kind'a  issue that my guys had with the cleaning bill and needed help to figure it out. As soon as I get down there the first class pulls me aside and says to me,

"Chief, I don't want you to be alarmed but we just got this new guy in and he might have some issues."

Of course I told him,

“I don't believe it's anything we can't handle. After all we're Firecontrolmen... He can't be that bad.”

So my First Class escorts me to the new sailor's rack as he's dressing into his coveralls. The first thing that pops out of this guys mouth,

"Chief, do you know when our first liberty port is, cause I'm gonna get F#####@ked UP!!"

I said,

"Excuse me shipmate? Are you really gonna tell me this as you just met me for the first time?"

Then he proceeded to apologize as he had a long flight and just separated from his wife prior to flying out. I'm a pretty understandable fella... after all we were in the middle of deployment... But from that point on, I figured this guys gonna need some fine tuning. Come to find out he was a Deck Seaman on his previous ship and had been to Skippy's Mast twice for dereliction of duty. He was book smart but hadn't a lick a' gaudamned sense. I guess that's putt'n it mildly. I think he was eating paint chips when he worked for the boatswains.

Well I figure ol' Goof Troop had been onboard a total of two or three weeks and was set to stand watch in the Tomahawk Equipment Room (T.E.R.)... We had a three section rotation of my most junior watch standers just incase we needed the equipment operational for mission readiness. Goof Troop had been qualified no more than two or three days. One night I had just been relieved from watch out of Combat at midnight... hit my rack... and was just deep enough asleep to get a few good winks when I'm abruptly awakened by my Ensign.

"Hey Chief we got a problem and I need your help!"

So of course I asked the Ensign what the hell is so damn important that it couldn't wait until morning.

Apparently Goof Troop had zeroed out the electronic combo lock to the (T.E.R.) so no one could walk in on him. It seems that he had needed to use the head... that's restroom for you landlubbers... and shut the door on himself not realizing that he forgot to reenter the combo into the system. Now the gaudamned combo to the locking mechanism had no combination from this point on. The only way in was to pry the door open. For those of you not familiar with the (T.E.R.) this room is a Top Secret space that is in essence a vault. At 0100 in the morning and no gaudamned answeres for breaking and entering a gaudamned secret vault... we had to wake up the Captain and explain why the door was zeroed out... Then we had to have the Hull Techies come down and pry the door loose! This was not an easy task and managed to bring on a bit of unwanted attention. The most obvious question was why this guy locked himself into the space in the first place and be so boneheaded as to lock himself out!?!?!?  The answer was exceedingly apparent when the door was finally pry'd open only to find the porno movie still roll'n with a bag of popcorn and a blanket on deck. I myself was embarrassed not to mention Goof Troop’s flustered appearance. Can you imagine the Captain’s annoyance as it appeared we had fallen out of his grace?

At this point I rotated Goof Troop up into Combat to stand watch as a Database Manager on the Global Command & Control (GCCS-M) unit. This was a really easy watch to stand updating the database once every five minutes at the push of a button. I tell you, if ignorance was a disability, this guy would get a full pension. He just wouldn't get it. I cannot tell you how many times we had to berate him for falling asleep on watch or leaving combat without checking out with the watch officer. I would get my ass handed to me regularly for his clueless behavior... By now I think I told him I'd only had one nerve left and he was stomping on it.

So a few more weeks go by and we pull into Hong Kong as a long awaited liberty port. Everyone was anxious to see the town and tie one on I'm sure. But I should've figured I was headed for trouble from the first statement Goof Troop ever made to me. I knew this guy was going to be a hell raiser! Trust me when I say this, I have no problems with drinking, I've been there and done that, but make no bones about it in today's Navy, you've really got to be careful. And make sure you're out with a buddy too! All of this is especially true with all the "PC" going on. To make matters worse, we had recently been versed on the new international law of "Trafficking In Persons." In essence, this law prevents sailors from carousing with ladies of the night in foreign ports such as Hong Kong! Something to do with Sexual Slavery or something like that.

Anyway---

So like I said, we were in Hong Kong, right? The infamous city of Suzy Wong and the Wan Chai Red Light District. I mean, prostitution if not legal is surely readily available. It's like a kid walking in a Candy Store but you tell him he can't have any, right? What more can be said... Goof Troop decides to hang out at this place called Club Venus and buys a couple of girls some drinks. His 'buddy' stays behind at the bar while he goes across the street to one of them pay by the hour hotels you see... So in comes the Command Master Chief(CMC) with one of the other Chiefs and wants to know where this guys buddy is. The CMC wouldn't leave until he shows up then sends them both back to the ship for liberty risk.

The next morning comes along and I'm back onboard the ship only to find out that two of my sailors are going to have a liberty risk board in the Mess. Just before this all happens the CMC calls me into his office and reads me the "riot act" wanting to know what the fuck is going on with my guys. He then decides he not only wants to put these guys on liberty risk but will have them on report for violating international law. I thought to myself... HOLY SHIT!!!  I'll have to write a khaki letter to the 7th Fleet admiral explaining why my guys are the first in the fleet to be charged with this new law.

Well, they say ignorance is bliss! In this case I believe it. Goof Troop was interrogated for about an hour in the Chief's Mess for pandering a prostitute but absolutely insisted that he never paid for it and that she only gave him oral sex! No one in the room believed it and he was still sent to Captains Mast for Pandering a Prostitute, Trafficking In Persons, Sodomy, Adultery since he was still technically married, and Disobeying a Direct Order! I argued in his behalf to no avail. However, when the time came to face the Captain, Goof Troop stuck to his guns and insisted that he never paid for sex. The Captain only got him for Sodomy and Disobeying a Direct Order for leaving his buddy unattended. Never in my career had I actually seen a guy found guilty of sodomy at Skippy's Mast.

When it was all said and done I asked Goof Troop how the hell did he manage to get oral sex without paying for it. He tells me that while getting the blow job her cell phone rang and it was her friend at the bar that was with his buddy. She told them he was in big trouble and had to hurry up and get back or else! He never had the chance to pay her as he was wisked off to the ship by Master Chief, sooo really.... he wasn't lying. And that... my friends is a ...Noooooooo Shitter!!


Until this point I’d always wondered why Chiefs bang their noggins up against steel bulkheads!!! Now the truth is out!!!........But, it's guys like this you gotta love!!