"Terms of Endearment"

In the Navy we have our own distinctive lingo to identify with the world around us. A floor is no longer a floor but a deck. A wall is no longer a wall but a bulkhead …etc. We also use certain terms of endearment to describe our fellow shipmates. “Shitbird” is one that particularly comes to mind! You see, a shitbird is a sailor whose performance is lacking and is generally a long term problem for his shipmates. Down and dirty, “He’s a screw up”!!!

Now I’ve been in this great Navy for a number of years and one thing I can say without hesitation is on every ship, in every department, inside every division and usually within most work centers there is always that one shitbird!! Starting with the Bagley, there was Morrison. On the Rainier we had a few but “Big Nosed Henry” probably topped them all, and on the MOMSEN, of course there was “Goof Troop”. Then there was Driver on the Chucky “V”. It’s not surprising that this term was invented by a bunch of squids. I’ve accounted for a couple of shitbirds in some of my previous tales however, I’m going to discuss the shortcomings of one shitbird in particular in this little yarn.

I wrote a snippet about three months ago on this guy but it never got saved to my notes so I’m going to drag it out a bit as to leave no stone unturned. FC3 Driver was his name and the ship was the good ol’ Chucky “V” between  1992-94!

I was on the Carl Vinson for a couple of years when Driver checked onboard and I needed an extra hand in my CIWS Mount as I was the only man designated in Mount 21. He had a wrinkled shirt half tucked and his boots needed a good shine. From the get-go it was obvious that Driver was a turd that needed some polishing but I’m not a Boatswain’s Mate and Firecontrolmen usually aren’t in the habit of creating shinola from shit. In this rate either you’ve got what it takes or you don’t. Driver was in the backseat with his blinders on, hence the rhetoric insight on the pun Driver…..if you know what I mean.

Carrying on…..Shortly after reporting aboard, Driver was recounting the infinite details of his childhood and how he had been sheltered by his momma. When he got to the ship in Alameda, California he was living in his truck’s camper shell in the fleet parking lot. When asked why he didn’t live onboard he just exclaimed he needed the extra privacy. Well that’s kinda understandable but seems more inconvenient than it’s worth.

As if it wasn't comical enough to which I might add I did not find funny at the time, Driver’s first job in the CIWS mount was to check the water level of the transmitter coolant system. He was to open the fill port and let the reservoir level drop to find how much coolant or glycol he needed to add. Now anyone with good sense would figure to screw the fill port lid back on when finished… but not Driver, no he just turns the system on and watches in bewilderment as the cascade of coolant water sprays al lover the inside of the barbette making a nasty mess! I don’t know if anyone of you has ever had to clean up a glycol mess before, but it’s a sticky sweet smelly goo (basically antifreeze) that gets everywhere and the common rag just doesn’t do the job to clean it up!

Then was the time when Driver was tasked to clean out a duplex strainer to the primary coolant loop in CIWS. This is a salt water strainer that basically has two strainer baskets so one can be used while the other is cleaned … never really worked out that way. We always had to secure the saltwater to prevent leak by….but not Driver, though we trained him on several occasions he still took it upon himself to test this theory. He ended up flooding the whole damn CIWS Mount knee high in salt water ruining several pieces of gear including the diagnostic computer to the CIWS Control Panel…I’m using laments terms for you civilians out there….Later he stated he just wanted to work the strainer the way it was intended to work though we’d warned him on various occasions this would fail! Knuckle head just wouldn't listen.

Now as if that wasn't enough, there was an issue with CIWS Mount 21 while I was on leave that caused the whole Search Array assembly plus the Radome on top to get replaced. For those who don’t understand what CIWS is, imaging R2D2 with a Gatling gun erection….the radome on top as his head!! But getting back to the story….when I came back off leave my LPO and I were climbing up to tweak the antenna a bit. As we opened the Radome we handed it to Driver down below….now the radome is not made of a very durable material, it’s somewhat like a double ply’d egg shell. Driver gets a hold of this thing and drops it upside down on the deck…..there was a half dollar sized indention in the very top center of the radome we had just replaced thanks to this shitbird….

So one day as if this guy couldn’t be trusted to handle the most menial tasks on CIWS, Driver was left to do the weekly inventory of all hazmat we had in our hazardous material locker. Well, you’d think he couldn’t screw this up, right? Think again my friends….he had come across some needle gun lubricant bottles that were unmarked inside the locker. So he asks me, “What are these bottles and how do I inventory them?” So I told him they were PU-55-Y Lube oils and ID-10-T grease. Figuring on this guy having enough sense to put two and two together I walked off and didn’t think much of it…but a week later our Chief comes in to do a spotcheck on the Hazmat inventory from the previous week.

“Who the FUCK wrote 'Pussy Lube' and 'Idiot Grease' in my Hazmat locker?”

Yeah, I got my ass handed to me, but looking back it was well worth it. It’s crazy how he would often do things not knowing how much he screwed up but again generally screwing me over. After that little scenario he was transferred out of CIWS and placed in a gopher division where he could do no harm to any weapons systems onboard. This guy was a real 'soup sandwich' and about as useless as a screen door on a submarine... so he unquestionably held the dubious distinction of the 'SHITBIRD'!!!!