“Leedy Creature”

In all your life do you ever remember anyone who resembled a short, fat, debilitated ol’ coot who slobbered, belched and farted at every turn?!?  I knew one once on the ol’ Chucky “V” around 91’. His name was Petty Officer Leedy or “Leedy Creature” with all meaningful terms of endearment!!!

Many of you scallywags might remember an ol’ fairy tale by the name of ‘Rumpelstilskin!’ But what most of you probably don’t realize is that the name in itself suggests the foreskin of an uncircumcised and flaccid nature connected to an ol’ fart who can’t get a chubby. Picture a tiny, wrinkly male member hanging lifeless from beneath his protruding gut like an elongated wart hanging from the belly of a giant toad. The fundamental theme here…  Rumpelstilskin was incapable of getting an erection and could not copulate, so therefore he negotiated underhanded deals to obtain his heir in life.

This pretty much sum ups the ol’ ‘Leedy Creature!’ Leedy was a sorry old Crusty Coot… enjoy’n nothing better than sleep’n & drink’n beer on his time off. The wretched son-of-a-bitch was worthless in the workcenter and could never be found when it was time to carry on any evolution that required more than just showing up… Hell, he couldn’t even do that right most of the time… about as handy as a trap door on a canoe!!!

 His uniform always looked like he pulled it from under a rock and he always had a five-o-clock shadow that got him in more trouble than most anyone could deal with. The lot of us just wrote him off as a dirty ol’ man with nothing else going for him. He wasn’t even worth the time wasted squaring away. I suppose since the ‘COC’ never put him on report they just assumed he’d fall off the planet!

 Leedy just so happened to room with a couple of my running mates on the dry dock barge. He’d come lurching in through the door, gasping and farting, and collapse on the bed snort’n and snoring within minutes off the ship! His great white belly heaving with the effort of each breath like a pregnant sow in labor, he would gasp and wheeze like a great whale. If we were too loud and annoying he'd roll over and bare his plumber’s crack for all to see. Still the lights would annoy him...

 “Turn the Fucking lights off! Why am I always surrounded by assholes?”

 After an hour or two of nap time he'd carry his fat ass to the White Pig or 'Albino Swino' right across the street from base. How quaint, the bar was named after him! As disgusting as this ol’ mate was I remember him walking into the bar and across the way next to the pool table was a typical 'Bremelo' with blubber hanging out of her spandex and a cigarette hanging from her lipstick laden mouth!

 “Hey you! Come on over here and sit on my prong.”

He was standing there with the front of his shirt covered in stains and the crotch of his pants looked yellow with what looked like old urine and crusty gonorrhea-droppings. Well, I guess the Bremelo was in to that sort of thing because she was all sorts of hot and bothered by the 'Leedy Creature' and couldn’t seem to get enough of him all night!! As we would gaze in revulsion at Leedy’s flaccid, obese body, stinking with sweat and covered with burly hair, we couldn’t help but notice the overpowering smell of 'Brut 33' cologne and dirty feet. I guess it was all a match made in hell!!!

 But of all his creeped out, perverted and degenerate drunkard ways, I never realized there was a redeeming quality about the 'Leedy Creature!' One afternoon after a Divisional PT session some of us were messing around on the gym wrestling mats. Leedy came walking in and said he could show us a few things. Wow, this guy really knew his wrestling moves. He had more knowledge locked up in that ol’ head of his than any wrestling coach I had ever known. After a long conversation about high school wrestling and reminiscing about the old days, Leedy told me how he was a state champ back in his day in Michigan. For an old far-out wacko like himself he really knew his stuff. I kinda had a different way of looking at the 'Leedy Creature' after that. I guess he just lost his way somewhere down the line.

I don’t know what ever became of him. Last I heard he got kicked outta the Navy for being a drunkard! He’s probably sitt'n all porked up on a barstool somewhere with his meaty arms wrapped around a pitcher of cheap beer and a pack of camel cigarettes with his hairy plumber’s crack mushroomed over the top of a bar stool! Now, try clearing that thought outta your head!! He-He!!!