Well, I’ll throw another ‘No-Shitter’ your way! It must have been around 1995-96’ while onboard USS Rainier… Good ol’ Lucky No. 7!! I’ll refer to the place in question as ‘The House’… a little shack just a stone throw away from the shipyard in Navy Yard City, Bremerton!!!
I don’t recall ‘The House’ having an actual genuine name attached to it… though you should’ve been able to earn a ‘Tiffany Bona Fide Ceremonial Certificate’ for taking part in the horse pucky that went on inside those walls! Every drunken degenerate Salt stationed on the Lucky No. 7 paid pilgrimage to ‘The House’ at one point or another!! The Chief CEO, if there was such a thing, could easily have been identified as a ‘Crackerjack’ by the name of ‘Walther’ but from here on we’ll keep names out of this matter of self-indulgence unless some of you would want to be known otherwise!!!
The house was forever full of uncontrollably drunken sailors aided by massive amounts of alcohol and an acerbic amount of stupidity too calculated to be stupid! It was legendary but sometimes dangerous, consistently packed with misfit Crackerjack types committing senseless acts of debauchery to include but not limited to food fights… keggers… beer bongs… drunken karaoke’s… alcohol induced fantasy football… streaking… outside urination… sometimes bed wetting… strip teases… girlfriend swapping… and more!! If you couldn’t get your drunk on and find a way to cross pollinate with the opposite sex, then something was awfully wrong with you!!!
Occasionally those Slap Happy Staggering Drunks would wreak havoc on ‘The House’ in such raunchy and often tasteless proportions that habitability would be called into question while the city code inspector paid routine homage! Drunken Fools would customarily leave physical as well as emotional ruin and chaos in the rearview mirror!! It wasn’t unusual finding Sharpie graffiti on walls… ceilings… undergarments… and the butt nekkit skin of schloberknocked drunkards left on the floor with no defense!! Much of the walls were papered with beer cartons for décor… Budweiser, Bush & Coors… and if empty cans and bottles weren’t modified as ashtrays, they were flawlessly erected as pyramids on various table tops!!!
A smell loomed in the air suggestive of raw sewage mixed with alcohol and sex! It was a complete melee of the senses I tell you!! Mostly vulgar, raunchy, and occasionally scatological but so paradoxically alluring that one could not help themselves to join in on the fun!! Yes, this house was emblematic of what you might imagine on any college campus… but in the ol’ Canoe Club we don’t need fraternities, we make our own!!!
Believe me, this was no sausage party! If you had a vagina there was no need to worry, you were always welcomed!! Many wayward lassies paid tribute to ‘The House’… some might have been your proverbial exotic dancer… a young college student trying to pay off her loans… or some wild floozy picked up from a local watering hole!! There was often an abundance of scantily clad ladies hanging around, though I’m not sure if legality was ever questioned, at least under the age of 21 (Don’t think otherwise)!!!
I don’t recall ‘The House’ having an actual genuine name attached to it… though you should’ve been able to earn a ‘Tiffany Bona Fide Ceremonial Certificate’ for taking part in the horse pucky that went on inside those walls! Every drunken degenerate Salt stationed on the Lucky No. 7 paid pilgrimage to ‘The House’ at one point or another!! The Chief CEO, if there was such a thing, could easily have been identified as a ‘Crackerjack’ by the name of ‘Walther’ but from here on we’ll keep names out of this matter of self-indulgence unless some of you would want to be known otherwise!!!
The house was forever full of uncontrollably drunken sailors aided by massive amounts of alcohol and an acerbic amount of stupidity too calculated to be stupid! It was legendary but sometimes dangerous, consistently packed with misfit Crackerjack types committing senseless acts of debauchery to include but not limited to food fights… keggers… beer bongs… drunken karaoke’s… alcohol induced fantasy football… streaking… outside urination… sometimes bed wetting… strip teases… girlfriend swapping… and more!! If you couldn’t get your drunk on and find a way to cross pollinate with the opposite sex, then something was awfully wrong with you!!!
Occasionally those Slap Happy Staggering Drunks would wreak havoc on ‘The House’ in such raunchy and often tasteless proportions that habitability would be called into question while the city code inspector paid routine homage! Drunken Fools would customarily leave physical as well as emotional ruin and chaos in the rearview mirror!! It wasn’t unusual finding Sharpie graffiti on walls… ceilings… undergarments… and the butt nekkit skin of schloberknocked drunkards left on the floor with no defense!! Much of the walls were papered with beer cartons for décor… Budweiser, Bush & Coors… and if empty cans and bottles weren’t modified as ashtrays, they were flawlessly erected as pyramids on various table tops!!!
A smell loomed in the air suggestive of raw sewage mixed with alcohol and sex! It was a complete melee of the senses I tell you!! Mostly vulgar, raunchy, and occasionally scatological but so paradoxically alluring that one could not help themselves to join in on the fun!! Yes, this house was emblematic of what you might imagine on any college campus… but in the ol’ Canoe Club we don’t need fraternities, we make our own!!!
Believe me, this was no sausage party! If you had a vagina there was no need to worry, you were always welcomed!! Many wayward lassies paid tribute to ‘The House’… some might have been your proverbial exotic dancer… a young college student trying to pay off her loans… or some wild floozy picked up from a local watering hole!! There was often an abundance of scantily clad ladies hanging around, though I’m not sure if legality was ever questioned, at least under the age of 21 (Don’t think otherwise)!!!
You could even witness ‘UFC’ style catfights full on with hair pull’n… crotch kick’n… boob tugg’n & the whole shebang! Sometimes this could lead to tongue on tongue… wet T-shirt kind of ultimate male fantasy if the stars were aligned just right!! If anybody could afford a video camera I’m absolutely certain the Porn Industry would’ve had some strong competition!!!
Just prior to the '96-97 maiden voyage of Ol’ Lucky No. 7, the house was vacated and likely condemned as it should have been! Right before going out to sea some of our not so fortunate shipmates received a court summons for damages incurred!! Damned glad my name didn’t make that list as I recall the reparations reached into the thousands of dinero!! The land scaping was destroyed… chimney wrecked… and the neighbor’s lawn & teenage daughter molested!! The roof was an amusing place to cavort though the shingles were a bit rough on the hind side!!!
It’s rare to see sailors match up to those fellas way back when! The Navy would rather spend its money on alcohol deglamorization programs in hopes to induce a grown up group of boy scouts it has been sorely lacking the past several centuries and get rid of the drunken skirt chasing moniker you see on the Silver Screen!! But they might as well create some fictitious character to do their bidding as Wally Cleaver didn’t join the Navy… I know, I saw him getting drunk at a ‘Frat Toga Party’ in some Midwestern College Campus!!!
So....with all of that shocking wickedness going round, what wasn’t to love about those guys?!?
Just prior to the '96-97 maiden voyage of Ol’ Lucky No. 7, the house was vacated and likely condemned as it should have been! Right before going out to sea some of our not so fortunate shipmates received a court summons for damages incurred!! Damned glad my name didn’t make that list as I recall the reparations reached into the thousands of dinero!! The land scaping was destroyed… chimney wrecked… and the neighbor’s lawn & teenage daughter molested!! The roof was an amusing place to cavort though the shingles were a bit rough on the hind side!!!
It’s rare to see sailors match up to those fellas way back when! The Navy would rather spend its money on alcohol deglamorization programs in hopes to induce a grown up group of boy scouts it has been sorely lacking the past several centuries and get rid of the drunken skirt chasing moniker you see on the Silver Screen!! But they might as well create some fictitious character to do their bidding as Wally Cleaver didn’t join the Navy… I know, I saw him getting drunk at a ‘Frat Toga Party’ in some Midwestern College Campus!!!
So....with all of that shocking wickedness going round, what wasn’t to love about those guys?!?
Artwork: Ben Newman
Man I sure missed out on the fun over there. I was always an east coast sailor. Glad we all suvived just the same.
ReplyDeleteI was living it up on your twin sister (AOE 6) at the same time you were on the 7...we were East Coast, but still had a heck of good run. You got a couple of rejects too when the transferred. Love your write ups! Makes me miss the Canoe Club...until I see somebody make mention of all the work up inspections and INSURV...
ReplyDelete