“Boondocks and Yardarms”

An ol’ shipmate, Brett Mullins brought this story up from days gone past. A very good one indeed and I probably would have forgotten about it had he not shed new light on some of the details. I figure some of you who were on the ol’ Rainier back in the day might enjoy this one.

Traditionally in the Navy a "clean sweep" for a vessel referred to having "swept the enemy from the seas," a completely successful mission. It is traditionally indicated by hanging a broom from a mast or yard arm but in the days of submarines where it got its start it was lashed to the periscope.

Today in the Navy a “clean sweep” has been translated into several meanings. One being the successful completion of its mission on deployment. When a vessel comes back from deployment the broom is to be hung from the highest visible yardarm and is to stay there until hauled down once the ship has passed through the jetties on its way in from sea. It has also been used to signify the successful award of the Battle “E” as well as the achievement of the minimum percentage-based retention goal set forth for the fiscal-year.

Whatever the case may be, a similar situation was used by our ingenious Skipper to promptly explain a situation that happened on our 1996-97 Westpac Cruise. As the story goes, Deck Department had recently acquired a new hand in 2nd Division who thought of himself as one of them “gangsta’s from the hood!” His calling in life seemed to be the act of intimidation to everyone in his presence though he rarely achieved this goal. Usually the design of such schemes backfired on him as some of the roughest sailors onboard were berthed in 2nd Division. Though his ambition was fruitless he gave it a whirl, as I’ll demonstrate with this particular illustration of just how absurd this jackass could be.

One evening underway Seaman Kmecheck was out on the smoke deck sitting on a bit when “Mr. Gangsta Flava” came up and shoved him off as he decided this was going to be his seat. Well ol’ Kmecheck wasn’t having any of that shit so he returned the favor after “Gangsta Flava” sat down. Everyone thought this was going to end in a brawl as “Gangsta Flava” decided to try and put his lit cigarette out on Kmecheck’s nose. But Kmecheck just flinched and laughed as he proceeded to bite the end of the cigarette off from “Gangsta’s” hand. “Gangsta Flava” ran like hell after that and never messed with ol’ Kmecheck again. Though Kmecheck later admitted that cigarette made him sicker than shit.

But as the story goes, “Gangsta Flava” proceeded to annoy the living shit out of everyone around him nonstop, always trying to be the idiot wannabe bad ass out to prove a point. So late one evening while pulling the balls to 0600 watch in Engineering, Mullins decided to sneak on down to 2nd Division Berthing and steal “Mr Gangsta’s” boondockers. That would be work boots to all you land lubbers out there. I must emphasize the word “SNEAK” as Mullins was a part of Engineering and not Deck therefore going down into 2nd Division berthing in the wee hours of the evening was a cardinal sin! Once his mission had been achieved he proceeded to the aft mast of the ship where it was nice and dark out. Not aware of anyone around, Mullins ensued in haste as he hoisted said boondockers up the yard arm! I guess this would be symbolic of the sneakers you see on the telephone wires in “The Hood!”

The next day was full of underway replenishment with ship after ship pulling along side to get their bounty of fuel from our belly. The last ship of the day just so happened to be the Carrier which housed the Battle Group Commander. About half way through that unrep Mullins said he heard something over the intercom that made him want to shit himself and hide. The Admiral on the carrier says across the intercom system,

"Captain Cummings, this is admiral so and so, why do you have a pair of boondockers hanging from your aft mast?"

Mullins said he could have died at that moment he was so stunned. Frozen in his foot steps, with stomach in throat, heart skipping beats, and the thought of being keel hauled later, the next thing we all heard from our charmingly astute Skipper was,

"Because we are kicking ass admiral! That is why the boondockers hang from the aft mast!"

The boondockers were later fetched from the mast and sent to the carrier as the Admiral was so amused by such a gesture. Everyone assumed that it was a practical joke from the airdet unit, because it was their last day on board. Ol’ “Gangsta Flava” got ganged up on by everyone after that. He had broken his arm and someone wrote "I f@#ked your dog" on his cast. He didn't last long, shortly there after he was caught stealing something from the Navy Exchange and discharged.

But Mr Mullins would like to thank Tim Costons wherever he may be. For he witnessed the said event of hoisting the boondockers up the yard arm on that fateful night and kept that secret until Mullins left the ship. Brett, I guess you’ll forever be in Tim’s debt. And so the story goes, as we drink to the foam of these ol’ sea stories and remember the good times we had. Captain Cummings, where ever you may be, that was one hell of a come back and just another reason why the ol’ Rainier remains the best ship in this ol’ salt’s memories.