"Passing Time Port & Report-A CIC Story"

Ever fall asleep standing up? It's possible! At times, there is no job in the entire Navy better suited for a caffeine addiction than Port & Starboard in front of a radar scope in CIC more commonly known as Port & Report. Well, maybe its number two right behind the quarterdeck midwatch in the dead of winter! I'd rather be a professional slacker marooned on some island paradise where the female natives all have perky nipples and run around butt naked. Unfortunately the latter never showed up on the Watch Quarter and Station Bill.

The watches are a compound of monotony, fatigue and boredom that will suck the gaudamn life out of ya! Yes life could be unacceptably boring. There were times life was so grudgingly mundane you could actually hear your hair grow! When watch was over you'd give up your headphones to the poor half asleep son-of-a-bitch who relieved you, and you'd turn over your visual contacts, blips, & standing orders while collecting coffee cups and head'n to the only damned thing that gave solace in all this dreariness, the beloved rack, bunk or pit....whatever the hell ya wanna call it, it was Utopia underway.

That being said, you notice things while lurking through the boredom. There are certain idiosyncrasies about people you'd never realize outside this lil' world. There is the genetic experiment gone wrong sitt'n next to you with his underwear inside out and backwards on his fourth day of wear with a waft of budissy. And of course that repugnant lil' sap across the way who's always good for a laugh on every watch. Then there are those you never gave any thought about until this long affliction we call underway. Here you happen to notice that fella in the corner picking his nose something fierce. Not the casual itch but the ever infamous search for the Holy Grail.

This was also a good place for a bunch a good-fer-noth'n sons-a-bitches to sit around and spend their non-productive time creating more fracas and mayhem than a band of hookers in church. We spent hours scribbling in "Bitch Logs" like the outside observer and critiquing eachothers little quips and jaunts while taping "kick me in the jewels" to the back of the CIC Watch Supervisor's back! Or the little caricatures of our favorite crew members for all to see! Does anyone remember "Goffinet & the Sheep?" You know the one with Henry and Needham in the background arguing over whose next? Or the Goof Troop falling asleep on watch & hang'n out at Club Venus with his pants down! How 'bout messing with the TAO while he was nodd'n off just to watch him abruptly jump up and tell everyone else to stay awake!!

"OK ladies, a quick coke & smoke is called for. One at a time, no screwin' around. Time to get your minds outta the gutter!"

Most heavy duty sky larking, plotting, and lollygagging was done in the wee hours of watch in CIC. We made entirely non-productive bitching a fine art. The architecture to ninety percent of the funny business and grab-ass that went on underway were invoked inside this secret cave.

Yeah, those were good times!!!

We figured if bullshit ever had any monetary value, we were going to cash in on every stupid shenanigan ever pulled under the blue lights. It's a damn wonder we didn't hit something underway..... Noth'n like sleep deprivation & boredom to pass the time....he-he!!