"Hijinx In Olongapo"

When I was a young cracker jack overseas I'd done some pretty stupid crap and got involved in some pretty silly hijinx! Some of the sorts that happened in the streets of Olongapo in the PI. The place is a shrine to the lowest spectrum of Navy life in the past fifty years. It was an 'Adult Disney Land' to every single guy in search of amusement and gratification. When the sun went down, all the crackerjacks showed up to quench their thirst and court the female of the species... usually barmaids for longtime barfine of 250 peso or about $22.00 at the time.

Magsaysay Boulevard was aligned with special places called The Florida Club, Sierra Club, and Top Gun serving lukewarm San Migoo, Red Horse, Mojo, Bullfrog and some nasty cross between beer and monkey urine! Well worn barmaids and heavy wooden tables with the names of five thousand ships and their hull numbers whittled in the tops. Ceiling fans and flower pots were suspended from the overhead. Probably a lot of you remember these places! After all, SOMEBODY had to have carved the names and numbers of every Navy ship in those tabletops.

Up on stage, ladies in T-shirts and white cotton panties marketed true love, undying affection and intimate personal relations to be your honey-ko pucky, sucky long time no shit! Some of them poor bastards ended up taking these ladies home with a marriage certificate and a plane ticket for the whole damn family!

One night while in a drunken stupor I had my fill of liquor and could barely hold myself up, but I managed to make it to the ramparts of the Shit River bridge when this Filipino approached me in very good broken English I might ad and said,

“I know you prom on de chip!” Are you going back so soon? I got pamily here. You like to meet dem?"

Well we had many a Filipino onboard and quite a few new faces had shown up recently so I figured he must be one of our new shipmates! So I start walking my drunk ass with him down Magsaysay when we veer off into a side road and down a few blocks. He’s telling me about his family and how he can get me things for cheap, cheap here, no worries. Then he sits me down in front of this house and asks me if I want a beer and I said sure. While he went in to get me a beer this ol’ lady takes my hand and puts it in a warm cup of soapy water. Not thinking anything of it, I thought maybe it was cultural or something, I look around and there are quite a few Filipinos standing around looking at me funny. My shipmate comes out and hands me my beer then he says,

“You pay her now! You pay her it not por pree!”

“What are you talking about man?”

“You pay her or I kick your ass!”

By this time I looked around and noticed that I was surrounded by about ten or twelve Filipinos and my ass sobered up real quick! I thought to myself,

“Oh Shit, I’m about to get my ass PUMMELED!!!”

So I reached in my pocket and pulled out a few pesos and some centavos. I threw them all up in the air as every one of those bastards looked up. Just as this happened I charged right through the weakest hole I could find between them and kept running my ass as fast as I could til’ I got to Magsaysay! There I saw some Shore Patrol and explained what had happened. They basically told me to go back to the ship and consider ass lucky I didn’t get it kicked!

Then there was the time I had a honey-ko from the Top Gun and spent the night in her little hut with the corrugated roof. After a long night and being awaken by the crowing of a gaudamn rooster, I realized my scrawny American ass had better get back on base and to the ship.

As my Honey-ko walked me out to the street she flagged down a Tuk Tuk (motorbike taxi)! Now Tuk Tuks are small and crafty and can weave in and out of traffic when your in a gaudamn rush! They're a little scary weaving, bobbing, and spitting along the way dodging pot holes and ditches but they're pretty dog gone essential when your in a hurry not to miss Quarters in the morning. Before I got onboard this little wippity split motorbike, she insisted we agree on a price before I got onboard. This was suppose to keep me from getting ripped off. She spoke to him in Tagalog and then told me it would be 50 peso for the ride back to the base over shit river.

So off we went and to compound matters we hit traffic, and the driver didn’t ease the throttle not even a bit. I think he was using some sort of Zen technique to guide him through the traffic or maybe he was a Luke Skywalker fan and was “using the force”. Anyway using powers that would put most Nascar drivers to shame, he steered us through grid locked traffic, while lighting a cigarette and showing me some promotional literature for 'pucky, sucky long time no shit!' Just as we were about a block away from shit river dividing the base from the town, the motorcycle burps, farts and bounces to a halt.

"What is this? This isn't the base?"

"You owe me 50 dollar!"

"What? You said 50 peso!"

"No! I want 50 dolla! Now or I get Police!"

"The hell with you then, I'll get one myself!"

From there I flagged down one of the gaudamn local coppers and just as he approached me the tuk tuk drove off. He new I called his bluff, and lucky for me the Police weren't as crooked as Tijuana Coppers down in Mexico. But that's another story!

So once again I got away with another Hijinx and a story to go in the long tale of Sea Stories to share with all. And of course when I got back to the ship five minutes late to Quarters,

"Holy jumpin' jeezus, You'll never guess happen to me last night!"

Those days were some of the best of my life… Why?

The ugly bastards I spent them with, were my shipmates.