Okay… I was gonna save this for the book but I’ve been on page 300 for over a year now and don’t rightfully know if I’ll ever get the damned thing finished!!!
There are a lot of captured moments in the life of a Sea going ‘Crackerjack’… sometimes a familiar scent… a quick glimpse of déjà vu… or a song might bring back a memory that you either cherish or in some cases wish to forget…
I was sitt’n at the bar with my wife and her sister the other night as we came across an ol’ tune from the ‘Kinks’
I thought to myself… “I had a Lola moment once… Now I don’t hide things from my wife and she’s fully aware of these instances. So when I talk about these parts of my historical recollections sometimes she cringes but it was what it was and… well… you judge for yourself…
The song starts off about meeting this gal in a club where you drink champagne as she asked you to dance… now in my case the gal was built like a metric blonde with tits that’d knock out Mike Tyson… and she said dear boy won’t you come home with me…
I believe it was December of 1988 and I had been on the ‘Baglady’ for little over a month… FC3 Beaver invited me out for a few beers at the Petty Officer Lounge (later known as the Sports Bar) so I agreed! I hadn’t been there for more than fifteen minutes and there was this beautiful blonde across the bar staring at me… Remember the Motley Crue song…
As the song goes…
So we danced and played and kissed and had a heck of a time until the night got old and the bar was ready to close… Then she invited me along to the Denny’s on 24th street in ‘Nasty City’!!! So off we went and after the customary coffee and social plight she asked me if I’d like to head out to her house… being the ‘Crackerjack’ sailor I was meant to be I quickly obliged and off we went deep into the heart of Chula Vista… Well before we even had a chance to get outta the car things were gett’n pretty hot & heavy. At twenty years old I wasn’t wait’n for the goods… I wanted them now and fully intended on gett’n what I wanted. At first she pushed my hand away as I’d reach down between her legs… but before I knew it…
Remember that seen from ‘Ace Ventura… Pet Detective’… Ace finds out that Lieutenant Einhorn is actually a man??? Showers vigorously scrubbing his mouth with soap and a loofa’!?!?!? Yeah… Been there done that!!!
Oh man oh man… All I wanted was a little pleasure well maybe not a little… I was seeking the full max amount of pleasure… but not that way damnit!!!
I go out and meet what I thought was one of the hottest chicks I’d ever met and I get that hide the weenie bullshit!!! I mean… I’ve laid witness to some pretty crazy shit in my time but grunt’n & slurp’n with a gender confused Swiss Army knife ten-in-one gadget girl is not my sort’a fun… if you know what I mean!!!
Having maintained an erection of Pr-epic proportions for the past several hours I’d realized I almost had full on sex with a Aphrodite hermaphrodite whose tongue had been down my throat and hand up along my… you can imagine… offering pleasure beyond my imagination… I was so damned confused I couldn’t make heads from tells…
I jumped back with eyes wide-open,
“I’m sorry but I’m not that kinda guy!!!”
And walked all the way back to the San Diego Trolley ball’n my eyes out!!! I mean ‘Holy Shitballs… what would you do???
I believe I suffered ‘Honest to God’ Post Traumatic Stress for a good three months before I told anybody about that situation… FC3 Beaver had to ask…
“Hey Swinger’, whatever happened to that sweet ass blonde you met that night? She was hot as hell!!!”
“Beaver… you don’t wanna know… just leave it alone..”
“Oooh, come on!! You gotta tell us… she was someth’n else!!”
Yeah, I know it’s pretty hairy… I was wait’n for socially unacceptable comments, wise-ass remarks and verbalized stupidity… but somehow my shipmates made the situation all okay… and that’s what being a ‘Crackerjack’ was all about…
This story remineds me of once back on my 2nd west-pac on Chuckie V. We pulled into Subic, and a buddy and I went bar hopping and looking for some loving. After we had made our rounds of the bars and having our share of beer we stopped at an eatery to grab a quick bite. I had already found my honey ko for the night, yet my buddy was not so lucky. When we dat down to eat, in walked in a "lady" that I must admit was "simply marvoulus baby", I mean everything about "her" was perfect. Nice smooth skin, nice assets both front and rear. And the sweetest sounding voice. My buddy even asked her if her boobs were real and "she" took his hand and placed it on "her" breasts. He shouted "there're real". Now I know some Tagalog because of my mom, the waiter came to me and whispered "bakla yon" thats a gay. I asked if he was sure and again said thats a gay. So I pulled my buddy aside and told him what the waiter said, hr said he didn't believe it coz how could a "fag" look as good as this. I said it up to you. So we left and checked into a motel for a night of uninhibited sex. We had not been there half an hour when I hear my buddy screaming to high hell saying it has a d**k it has a d**k. I came out of my room thinking this "gal" had hurt my buddy. And he yelled "man it has a d**k, the smallest one I've ever seen other than on a baby. I walked into his room and the "gal" was still nude, I took a look, and sure enough it's dinga ling was as small as a new born baby's. I laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself. After that anytime I saw my buddy I would call him "ding aling".
ReplyDeleteSurface Pukes! Geez, happens to the best of us in the Sub Fleet. Just grin and do her anyway.
ReplyDeleteOMFG Just Grin and do her anyway. Gotta love a squid
ReplyDeleteYeah roll it over and slip it in for the boo-foo. One of the BTs on my first ship did EXACTLY THAT.
ReplyDeleteThey had a few of them on S**t Street in Honolulu. The Mahoos.
ReplyDeleteOutstanding. Love your work Dan!
ReplyDeleteWestpac, Pattya Beach Thailand... a Shipmate is drinking at one of them open-air thatch roofed bars, feeling pretty good when he and a local Hottie are making eyes at each other... he offers to buy her a drink and they are both laughing and joking, and he asks for her to come back to his room... she looks a bit preoccupied, and says she has to leave but will be right back... She leaves with another girl ...Shipmate has another drink or two, feeling pretty good, and his hottie comes back with a TENT in the front of "HER" dress! She says, "OK, we can go to your room now", and Shipmate bows out, saying he has to go back to the ship... His last words about the incident: "Her D**CK WAS BIGGER THAN MINE!"
ReplyDeleteThat's a "no-shitter" Shipmates, you can't make this stuff up... well, maybe you can... but this REALLY happened, and the names will remain anonymous to protect the guilty! LOL!
Ain't that some shit!!!
DeleteF'n Billy boys.....
DeleteI was flown half way around the world with 29 perfect strangers, all dressed a like, to meet my first ship. They were returning from deployment and we were to ride the ship back to homeport. After checking in, I found my way through the maze of a naval ship and found my work center. I met the guys and we were sitting around talking when Larry started poking one of the other guys (we'll call him Joe) saying "tell him the story" over and over. Joe was stocky. He had arms as big around as my legs. There were 50lb dumbbells in the corner he used to "throw around" for fun. Just to give you an Idea. So Joe starts his tale of him and another shipmate sitting around the bar in this port (who's name I've long since forgotten) when these ladies come in. They spend the evening around the table, drinking, talking, kissing, groping on one another. It came time for the evening to end when the ladies offered to spend the night if they'd cover the room. Of course they partake of the ladies hospitality and pay for the room.
ReplyDeleteLarry's in his chair about to explode with laughter. It's all he can do to contain himself. "Tell'm what happened. Tell'm what happened".
So Joe continues..They parted to their separate rooms and proceeded to get physical. He tells of how things are going and the things she did to him and so on. Then it came time for him to get her panties off and I'll be damned if there wasn't a big ol d**k staring me in the face.
From the corner, doubled over, Larry's shouting "Tell'm what you did! Tell'm what you did!"
Joe chuckles and said, "Well, I'd already paid for the room. So I flipped her over and f**ked her int he ass".
This was my very first introduction to fleet sailors in their natural habitat.
Oh boy... LoL!!!
DeleteSwing, you remember RM3 Crenshaw on the Chuck boat? Singapore 88 or 89. We tried to tell him the chick he had tied up with was a Benni-Boy but he wouldn't listen. Kept trying to tell us what an awesome rack she had.....
ReplyDeleteA shipmate had this experience in Olongopo. He came back and told the story, an said he was worried that he would get in trouble. Somebody responded with "We're the last people you should have told about that." Nothing ever happened after that.
ReplyDelete