“Running Mates & Partners in Crime”

Back in the day shipmates would always team up like a group of hooligans in an ol’ Westside Story tale. I'm sure some Dr Phil psycho analyst has some aberrant crazed, mind boggling, psycho babble explanation but when you cut through the bullshit, everything you did took a hell of a lot of teamwork! Rather it was downing a few pitchers of cheap beer at the local watering hole or chipping, grinding and laying down some haze grey on the ship’s hull, they were there to keep you from doing stupid shit or back your ass up while doing stupid shit! Whatever the case there was always a few partners in crime!

One of my most favorite compadres over the years was my ol’ buddy Shawn Mitchell. He was my running mate and sole proprietor of handling any evidence or lack there of when we were getting tangled up in any real Gordian Knots!! Shawn was from Mesa, Arizona and the Ol’ Man up above must’ve broken the mold when he made him cause that handsome son-of-a-bitch could get away with just about anything and had all the hook ups. If you needed Tickets to a Rock Concert he’d get ya front row seats. If ya wanted a date with a super model he’d deliver Cindy Crawford! This guy had all the moxy, all the dames, and the ugliest pair of gaudamn purple pants that got my dumb ass in more dilemmas!? And if anyone’s shit didn’t stink, it must’ve have been my ol’ buddy good ol’ pal, Shawn’s.

There was the time I was working at El Caminos. Shawn, being the debonair macho stud he was came in to the club one night drinking and carousing the scene just like many nights before. The difference being I was on the other side of the floor keeping the piece sober while he was half lit to the moon. Apparently some son-of-a-bitch decided they didn’t like his stylish appearance and knew he was in the Navy. Maybe he stole the guy’s dame or perhaps it was his gaudamn purple pants. Whatever the case may have been Shawn had managed to get away with growing a Mohawk on his head almost a foot long. Some pissed off fella called shore patrol into the club and pointed him out. Little did I know at the time what exactly was going down but they called him outside and demanded he show his military ID. Like a dumbass he did just that and they hauled his butt back to the ship. Then they commenced to shave that melon into a genuine military style flat top. Hell you coulda’ landed a doggone jet airplane on that thing when they were done with it. The next morning we went to Quarters and our Divo pulled out a profile of his mug for everyone to see and muttered with a giggle,

“If anyone has seen a six foot cockatoo wondering around the ship please notify the Operations office immediately!”

I’m pretty sure the Divo got a ribbing from the Wardroom about this mess regarding how he could’ve gotten away with his hair being like that for so damn long but he was pretty damn well humored about the whole subject as Shawn somehow escaped Skippy’s Mast. Besides, on a day to day basis, our heads were hidden under a hard hat and plenty of yard bird gear to boot. Needless to say we were subjected to countless personnel inspections for the coming weeks after that debacle.

Then there was the CIWS Lifelines fiasco! You’re not gonna believe this shit! Shawn and I ran the two forward CIWS mounts, practically lived in them, and shared enough pitchers of Cheap Beer we could’a filled the Georgia Aquarium twice. He was one of the best damn buddies I ever had! But man o’ man, I have no idea how he got away with this disaster!

While the ship drifted south to its homeport of Alameda, I took a two week hiatus spending time with my new born family. I’d been gone a total of two or three days and my boss gave me a call on the ol’ telephone.

“Hey man, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I thought I’d give you a heads up to what you’re coming into when you get back!”

You ever get that feeling in your gut that things just aren’t going right? Well, he proceeded to tell me how Shawn forgot to lower the damned handrails to the CIWS Mount before operating the damn whizbang unit! For those unfamiliar with a Navy CIWS Mount, it looks like a giant white R2D2 unit with a five foot long Gatling gun hard-on sticking out the front end. It can pop off about 4500 rounds in a minute and sounds like a gaudang chainsaw going off!

This ol’ mechanism weighs in at a couple of tons and there ain’t now stopping it when it’s on the move. When Shawn forgot to take down the handrails, well let’s just say it made quite a mess of things. You ever here about the $100 hammer or $500 toilet seat in the Navy? Well imagine what a radar search antenna, an egg-shell radome, and a couple of fiberglass handrails probably cost to replace. It was well over a Quarter Mill. It took over a month to get it all QA’d and replaced. Funny thing about that, there was no investigation, no questions asked, and nobody went to Skippy’s Mast and nobody got in trouble. How the hell that ever happened, I couldn’t tell ya.

Maybe it was his gaudamned purple pants that he adored so damn much. Though I couldn’t figure that one out. He wore those sons-a-bitches everywhere he went. Hell I remember getting in several scuffles over those damn pants. Some fella tried picking a fight at Denim & Diamonds one night just because of those damn pants. Then there was the time I got jacked in the nose because of those Purple Barney looking things! Where would it end…

Well I suppose there's an evolution to everything. Over time, things improve and we all moved on and matured. Can you believe that son-of-a-bitch is a damned officer now? He coordinated every cunning, crackerjack, hair brained stunt ever pulled off by a young salt and got away with it every damned time! Never in a million years did I ever think he’d cross over to the dark side and wear gold! Guess his good looks and amazing ability to pull the bullshit over their eyes was too irresistible. 

Well, I haven’t seen him in a few years but I wish him luck where ever he may be! I’m sure our paths will meet again someday! He was my drinking buddy and good ol’ pal, running mate & partner in crime….Shawn Mitchell!