“People ‘Are Crazy”

Sea Stories are a one of a kind place in the chronicles of scribbled down tales of an ol’ salt’s memories! They’re based on facts or lack there of that are proclaimed in a lexicon only us Crackerjacks can fancy with dingy ol’ dungarees and phrases and acronyms only we can savvy! They involve the likes of scallywags and iniquitous barmaids in situations only those of us who dwelled in their likings can fully appreciate.

Well, today while driving into work I heard a good ol’ boy country song by Billy Currington called “People Are Crazy” and I thought to myself,

“The only other thing in life that remotely resembles sailors swapping sea stories would be me and that ol’ man at the bar hav’n us some beers and swapp’n I don’t cares talk’n politics, blonde & redhead chics, old dogs and new tricks, & habits we ain’t kicked”… and on and on as the ol’ song goes!

An ol’ chambray wear'n goat once said the crafting of sea stories never involves outright lying…the proper term is 'truth manipulation'. All truth is pliable…like plastic. God made plastic truth so that Crackerjacks can fashion yarns that entertain men who spend a lot of time broke, drinking beer and sniffing barmaid perfume.

That ol’ Goat couldn’t have been closer to the truth in these wise ol’ words of wisdom!

So as I sat and pondered the thought of talking about Gods grace, and the hell we raised and the ol’ man say’n “God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy” I couldn’t help but to sit and reminisce about all those memories and the women we loved and hated and all the places that amazed me!

Though that ol’ man in my scribbl’n surely ain’t no gaudamn millionaire and I didn’t end up with a pocket full o’ loot… my treasures are pretty gaudamn precious to say the least. They’d be riddled with drunken tales of a girl at every port and the debauchery and mayhem that a few young swashbuckl’n mates could manage to provoke in one night of liberty across the seven seas.

I joined the Navy to experience more than my teenage sexual angst and less tolerant routine of high school gynecology and took skill in a world of professional swashbuckl’n rum swilling swabbies indoctrinated in the flesh of carnal knowledge and original sin! Fueled on pure testosterone and cheap whisky I’d touched the far corners of the Earth and experienced the life that many can only dream of!

From the knaves and harlots of Thailand to the barmaids of Subic Bay and the inglorious animals on deck of ol’ gray Navy ships we’ve all weaved stories and tales that outta make Mark Twain twitch in his grave. I consider myself fortunate to have been touched by romantic times of grungy ol’ white hats with lucky strikes rolled up in our shirt sleeves, with Playboy pinups in every locker and plenty of foolish pranks to go ‘round.

I think I’ve met Barnacle Bill the Sailor and a few others as well in the likes of McHale’s Navy! I’ve been to Skippy’s Mast on a few occasions and lost a stripe or two here and there and have plenty to show for it. Life’s lessons are the mistakes we called experience back in the day and I’ll be damned if we weren’t force to swallow it down like Castrol oil! That was how we learned back then. Now everyone’s expected to have their smarts about ‘em before they even set foot on deck of one these multi-billion dollar yachts!

Chief Cavanaugh’s ol’ saying about hoot’n with the Owls at night and soaring with the Eagles in the morn’n just don’t add up in today’s Navy. Hell if you’re old enough to get shot at why can’t you down a swig o’ whiskey? That’s how it used to be! Hell they use to service the young lads at the ripe age of eighteen on base now you get your walk’n papers for drink’n that early. What ever happened to liquid lunches anyway? We’ve gone absolutely berserk in this ‘Right Spirit-Alcohol Deglamorization’ horse crap PC’ World… Hell, the drunken sailor bit with a gal in every port was what we joined for…that’s where the fun was at!

And we used to look out for one another too! Nowadays look’n out for one another means ratt’n out a shipmate so you can move up in the world. I always thought that showed a lack of self esteem! Hell, my Chief told me once that if he had to hear about it then we must not be doing our jobs right. It was up to us to put him out of a job. Nowadays, the Chief had better know about it and his ass will get hemmed up as well for not keeping it from happening in the first place. What ever happened to the fraternity of brotherhood amongst swabbies? Turned us into a bunch of gaudamned boyscouts…and look what happened to them. No wonder the sorry louts’ in today’s society are so gaudamned confused! Buncha’ poor sons-a-bitches aren’t even comfortable with their own set of twigs & berries! Next thing you know we’ll be making concessions for those who fornicate with dogs!! Sheeeesh!!!!

Well I’m sure your all tired of hear’n me rant about all that mess! I’ll just carry on with my reminiscence of days gone past. At least I can be comfortable there with my manhood!