Remember "Shore Duty?" In the Navy, it was usually five years at sea and three on shore. My last tour before retirement was the Navy Brig in Bangor, Washington. Home of the most despicable, most worthless shitbird wild men the military had to offer. This was the resting place for every hair brain scheme, underhanded conspiracy, diabolical aspiration or stupid idea that was laid to rest.
"Yup, We got you Varmints!!"
In a Navy Brig, the Central Control Center was the usual gathering place where the night shift crew would hold meetings, shoot the shit or just sit around conferring words of wisdom to the younger generation of lower-ranking bottom feeders. It was a common place to hear the proverbial..
"You ain't gonna believe this shit!" or "Here's a no shitter for ya!"
When you got tired of batting your eye balls at the horse manure on the staff lounge boob tube, you could head into control and draw a cup of whatever was passing for hot coffee on that particular evening. We called it "Navy Tar." You could always find something that would pass for food left over from the galley after evening chow. At least that was before the prisoners made such a gaudamn stink about it and we had to put an end to it.
When salty sailors get together, it doesn't take long for conversations to degenerate into who did what in Olongapo back in their hey day!! Or get into one of those can you top this shit kinda conversations that always head south!!! Sometimes the crew would just take turns gassing out the Control Watch and leaving while he was stuck in the room smell'n the rotten methane expulsion from some ones ass! I know, I know, not a pretty picture to paint but we had to figure out ways to keep ourselves entertained at 0200 hours in the morning.
Like most cases in a room full of crackerjacks, it all leads to the worst kind of jokes and shenanigans when guys like Conkle get into the mix. He was a crown contender in bringing back great memories… The priceless stuff that lives in the dark corner of your left brain!! The kind of places you don't want your grandma or your preacher to hear!!!
On one particular night I was hang'n around with the crew bullshitt'n about what movie we could watch that night and what kinda stuff we like to watch in this age of reality 'TV'! I gotta say, I'm not a fan of that stuff. Mostly just aimless conversation to fill time. Then we got on the topic of this TV show on HBO called "True Blood".... If you ain't seen it yet, then you're missing out... It's one hell of a show!! Then I had brought up the subject of the theme song to the show by a fella named 'Jace Everett' called "Bad Things"... Here's the chorus:
"But before the night is through, I wanna do bad things with you."
Shortly after our little conversation I had to use the shitter so I started for the open head in booking. Now before I go on it's important to understand that in a Navy Brig the doors to the head are built with no locks for a reason. So as I was on my why to the head I had that song ring'n in my head so I was humming away and let out a bit.....
♪♪ "I WANNA DO BAD THINGS TO YOU!" ♪♪
just as I was opening the door!! There sat this young army prisoner with the biggest surprised look on his face!! Well, he wasn't parked on the shitter, read'n a ten-year old tethered Playboy, that's for damn sure! But he may as well have by the look on his face!!! It was a truly classic moment. A bit embarrassing for both of us... as I shut the door and told him to carry on!!
Yeah, the fellas in the control room gotta a real laugh outta that one!!! Would of been nice if they warned me about him being in there... but as they say, "Shit happens!"...no pun intended!!!
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